16 yo Daughter knows of our drug use

[beecee]

Our daughter caught both of us using cocaine about 12 months ago and we now know she also read phone messages where we talked about drug use , very bad parenting we know . She is now at nearly 16 starting to push many of the usual boundaries and has mildly started to reference to what she know as a kind of blackmail/bargaining tool , I'm not sure how to go about this and any help with this would be great .

[morethanpotatoprints]

Talk to her and explain its like all drugs including cigarettes and alcohol. Add up how much money you would have if you had never touched the stuff.
If it hasn't affected your parenting and you can honestly say this then you have done nothing wrong in terms of parenting.
There are plenty who have never touched drugs who are shit parents, maybe some of those who will give you a bad time on here.
No I don't do cocaine, haven't since I was about 21

[MorphineDreams]

I would start by saying that you're either not doing it anymore or trying to quit.

I would tell her how incredibly wrong it is and how disgusted you are with yourself, how it's not good and drug use can snowball.

And I know you've come on for support but you seem a bit flippant about your drug use, that needs to be tackled first if you havent already

[CalamityKate1]

Stop using.
Tell her you've stopped using.
Grow up.

[beecee]

The drug taking is now long over , and despite it being a big mistake on our part , I don't think I'm wrong in hoping to let our daughter know that she now doesn't have a free hand to do whatever she wasn't , just because we did something wrong , nor do I feel I should be guilted into ignoring in her bad or possibly dangerous behaviour , we all have done things we shouldn't have done , it's no reason to let our children do the same , I was hoping for some wise words from others with possibly similar experiences on how best to deal with this .

[TheBogQueen]

Hmm
Well you've lost any credibility when trying to control her social life or protect her from whatever pitfalls are ahead.

Really you've let the genie out of the bottle. She must be utterly confused, angry , depressed by your ridiculous behaviour.

She will now push boundaries further and further.

Wtf were you thinking?

[MorphineDreams]

I think it should be do as I say because it's for your own good, rather than do as I do/have done.

Explain how you don't want her making the same mistakes as you did and this is what you're trying to protect her from.

I think it'll be really hard but you will manage

[Bangonthedoor]

I'm sorry but i tend to agree with trolls it's selfish, so so selfish.

You've come here for support which is a great starting point but to be honest I agree with others that you seem to think that the problem is that she caught you not that you use drugs in the first place?!

You are risking your lives hugely, do you really want her to be left all alone? And c'mon there must be better things to do with your time and spend your money on?!

This has really brought a tear to my eye. When I was growing up my mum was an alcoholic (different drug I know but a drug nonetheless) which got worse following her divorce from my dad. From the age of 12 right up until I was 20 when she died, I witnessed so much that I really shouldn't have witnessed. Not only that, as a 13, 14, 15, 16 year old I had so much worry in my mind when I should have been kissing boys and going to discos. I cared for her a lot in those years, guided her to bed when she was too drunk, picked her up off the floor and supported her through all her injuries caused by her drinking. I also felt deeply embarassed when I was shown up in front of my school friends.

It wasn't my intention to turn this post into a show about me but I had to share my experience and show you that this is your daughters future if you carry on.

My mum died just 3 weeks before my 21st birthday from her alcoholism and all I have now is a box of keepsakes and huge guilt of spending our last years together almost hating her for what she put me through.

Don't hide your drug use, that's not the problem. You need to STOP

[Bangonthedoor]

Apologies OP, you posted as I was writing my essay!

So when your daughter caught you taking cocaine, it wasn't recently?

If it really was a long time ago and you have well and truly come out the other side then you need to sit her down and go through it all again. Drawing the line once and for all that you won't accept her behaviour

[3littlefrogs]

Perhaps you need to grow up and start being responsible parents?
About 16 years too late, but better late than never I suppose.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Our kids know we smoke weed OP, and knew at that age too.
One of them smokes and would have done anyway and the other doesn't like any form of drug even most prescribed ones.
Our younger one doesn't know yet she is only 10.
At least you can talk from experience and are probably a lot more chilled to have a reasonable conversation.
The reactionaries will really feel the fall when their dc are caught, even the naice kids are trying something, especially the straight A's.
I'm surprised by some of the names my dc tell me who are using drugs, those he went to school with whose parents would have a fit.
Your kids will do it if they are the type whether you do it or not, same goes for smoking and drinking.

[TeaAndALemonTart]

How did she catch you and what was said at the time?

[AnyFucker]

I'd better start a cocaine habit then, so I can have a "more chilled" and "reasonable" conversation with my teenagers about the risks involved.

It's quite amazing the lengths that drug users will go to justify it.

[MorphineDreams]

I know this isn't to the same extent but.. my dad smoked all the way through my childhood. I never used it as an excuse to chuck it back in his face when I got caught though, because I knew it was wrong. Even at 13.

[Hakluyt]

"At least you can talk from experience and are probably a lot more chilled to have a reasonable conversation.
The reactionaries will really feel the fall when their dc are caught, even the naice kids are trying something, especially the straight As"

I have no words...........

[Bangonthedoor]

hakluyt I felt the same...

[Athrawes]

Try and give up. Talk to her, tell her you realise it is wrong but that it is hard to quit. Go to Narcotics Anon and the family support version and involve her as a young adult in the hard times that you are going to have giving up.
Tell her that you have decided to quit because you realise you are being hypocritical and that at your age it will kill you and that because you love her you want to be there for her.
But don't hide from her that it is super hard giving up - seeing how hard it is will be a valuable and offputting lesson for her.

[Nerf]

Well clearly Grange Hill and Zammo taught some people nothing!

[PinkSquash]

Ahh yes, talking from experience. Because you'll tell your child about the rat poison and concrete dust you're snorting op? The dangers of taking it, the amazing ability you gain to act like a total cunt to everyone around you because you're on one.

Cocaine isn't the acceptable face of substance abuse.

[edamsavestheday]

Clearly it wasn't great that she caught you doing something wrong, but parents are entitled to tell children to do the right thing, including avoiding some of the mistakes parents have made. You wouldn't tell a 17yo learner driver speeding is OK, yet thousands of parents have speeding tickets (I don't drive, btw).

Don't feel inhibited from setting her limits - yes, it is complicated but no parents are perfect. Just tell her, yes, Dad and I aren't perfect, but we have learned from our mistakes and don't want you to make the same ones.

She's 16 btw. When she's grown up, she can work out which risks to take and which mistakes to make, and hopefully you will have given her enough help to do it as wisely as any other young adult does. But she's not grown up yet - don't just sit back and think you can never tell her what to do and what not ever again.

[beecee]

Thanks for the advice .
Cheers .

[MorphineDreams]

Wine is not the same as cocaine.

[namelessposter]

I think the OP is getting rather a hard rap here; there are a huge (and I mean HUGE) number of over-40 recreational drug users. Not addicts, but totally functional, otherwise law-abiding, occasional users. By default, some/many of them are also parents. Some of my acquaintances are. A good number of mumsnetter's are, judging by the regular threads. And 100% of our children are going to be offered drugs and/or and will be around drug-taking friends at some point or another. This OP has a window for a hysteria-free conversation about making safe(r?) choices about drugs. Prob better than letting her15yr old mates be her sole source of trusted personal info on the subject.

[morethanpotatoprints]

MorphineDreams

I beg to differ on that, its all down to consumption.
I know several cases where alcohol has killed, but it was a slow painful death. I don't know of anyone who has died from cocaine use alone, although I'm sure there are people.
The only difference is one is legal the other not.

[MorphineDreams]

Until cocaine is restricted and made so we can measure the strength of it and we know what's in it - no I don't think it's comparable.

One line can kill someone. One drink isn't likely to.

Obviously alcohol abuse is really bad. But there's safe ways of drinking. There's no safe ways of taking cocaine