family war

[samsswampy]

My DD 17 and my mum have fallen out and I am fed up being in the middle! My mum lives with my DH, me and 4 children and my Dad, we bought the house between us, and my DD has her bedroom in an extension in the garden, she likes to stay up late and has to unlock garden door to go to bed. My mum fell out with her because she didn't put the key back in the right place and left the garden door unlocked, my DD was rude to mum and now mum wants an apology. DD refuses to apologise and now my mum won't go out with us if DD comes, I feel I have to chose between them all the time. DH is on DDs side and says I should choose her because if I don't DD won't want to know me when she's older!

Oh dear, this is a right stand off situation isn't it? I'm guessing that your DD is never going to apologise (not good at that age are they?) and your mum is digging her heels in too! I can only speak from experience of being a teenager some years back now(!) when we had my mum's mum living with us for over 10 years. I absolutely hated it. It was like having two mums to tell me off all the time, my nan would grass me up a lot and I was embarrassed to have friends round because she was quite cantankerous. As a teenager, everything your family do is embarrassing of course! There was constant conflict in our house and now I look back, my poor mum was in the middle for years. I had absolutely no recognition of how she might be feeling at the time because I was a typical selfish teenager who only thought about how things directly affected me! You have a very difficult line to tread and I think that you have to be firm and strong in your resolve not to let both sides take advantage of you. It's almost like having two young children vying for your attention to see which 'child' you love more. I know that I would try always to get my mum to take my side in disputes with my nan and saw it as a measure of who was most important to her depending on whose side she took. I don't know if this helps you at all, best wishes and I hope you manage to get everyone to get along a bit better.

In the same way we shouldn't intervene when our children argue (except when they get violent) we should not have to take sides or arbitrsate in anyone's fights. Your dh needs to step out of it. He's making it much worse.

Everyone needs to step out of it and let your mum and your dd sort it out.

It's not fair on you. They're both being selfish and your dh's loyalty to his dd is making the situation worse.

Thanks for your comments, I wish my mum and DD would sort it out themselves, but I keep having my mum saying she should have respect because she is older and i shouldnt let DD be rude to her and D D saying she will not apologise and doesn't care if they never talk again. My mum has booked a holiday for us in October and now says my DD can't go, she has paid for it so says its up to her who goes! I've said if DD doesn't go neither will I, but then we will all miss out as I wouldn't want my other children to go without me!

I would make it very clear that if your DD can't go, none of you will. Teens do stupid things and they don't see things beyond themselves. Your mother has no such excuse and really should be the bigger person here and let it drop. You cannot allow her to manipulate your family by threatening to leave one member out of a holiday, or you will be beholden to this kind of tactic for evermore. You all go or none - it sounds as though your DH will back you on that.

Both your mum and your DD need to get a grip. It all started over some stupid key. Most arguments starts over nothing and are really not worth all the pain they cause.
Hopefully they both come around soon!

I think your DM is behaving very badly. She should be the adult here and sorting out a system so the door locking/placing of the key isn't forgotten. In time DD will probably come round and apologise (if anything like my DDs), but it takes time and requires a measured approach by the adults.

Flying off the handle with teens gets you nowhere and threatening to not take DD on holiday is petty and mean. I feel sorry for DD having to live with her GM. And I feel sorry for you OP, being in the middle of this.