how grown up is 17?!!

[febel]

My yd is 17 and , especially since she has had that birthday a few weeks ago, keeps throwing the "Well I am 17!" at me..in fact did revert to the "i am nearly 18!" too...til I pointed out she was a year away from 18. She annoys me cos at times she seems like a toddler and at other times thinks it's fine to go out , god knows where, and not come in til late. On the plus side I don't think (but who knows) she takes drugs or drinks a lot (not since it made her sick!) But I do feel I ought roughly to know where she is...like today she went off to town to meet new friends and then texted me to say they going to someones house in someones car..and then didn't turn up when she said she would,for tea at around 7, and didn't answer texts or calls...I was thinking she was upside down in a ditch somewhere and got very worked up, which meant when she did phone eventually I exploded at her cos was worried...and I know..not the best way to deal with it...make her hate me even more than she (frequently) says she does

How much freedom etc do your 17 year olds have..and how much do they want to have?!!

Hiya... my DD is 17 and has pointed out to me that once she is 18 she will be an adult, in a kind of jokey 'I'll be able to do what I like' kind of way. And I pointed out that she will be able to do what she likes but if she wants us to sell the car we just bought her or provide her with meals and a clean home then she needs to remember how to behave .

I also had a chat with her a few months ago about how we would appreciate knowing not necessarily where she is or who with, but we would like to know when she is going out and when she is coming home so that we don't think she is in a ditch somewhere. She took that on board and she does take the time to text us to let us know what she is up to.

When she was 4 years old I went on a parenting course run by the local team of health visitors and one line that really stuck a chord with me was 'talk to your child when they are 4 and they will talk to you when they are 14'. So I have always made an effort to talk to her, initiating conversations about all sorts of things and it has helped keep our relationship going, even through really tough, moody times (13 - horrid!). She does tell me some of what is going on in her life, not necessarily all of it, but we do talk and she does come to me to ask for advice or to share a concern.

Try to avoid conflict (easier said than done) but do comment every time she does something that you like, in a very mild and general way: eg "Thank you for unloading the dishwasher" or "I notice that you changed the empty loo roll - thank you" or "I like the way you've done your hair today" or "you are so precious to me"- you know the kind of thing, really banal 'noticing' things which are short and sharp. It creates conversation and makes you appear like a nice person and she'll quietly think 'oh, mum notices when I do nice things'. Don't expect a reply and almost say it to her whilst not looking at her and just getting on with other jobs so that she doesn't think that you are after something. Seriously this does work! Another wonderful health visitor tip. Good luck.