16 yr old stepson, can't be bothered to get p/t job, smoking, lazy etc. what would you do?

[mansfield]

Long winded post. 16yr old stepson, just started sixth form lives with me, dad, 3yr old and 17 yr old sister. Now hes 16 we feel he should get weekend work to buy clothes etc. etc. and also get some experience of work environment. Hes made minimal effort to do so despite us being on his back every day. Of the 11 application forms hes filled in, I've got him about 9 of those. Only one interview so far. Husband now says he has to go and stay with his mum (who he rarely sees) to make him realise which side his breads buttered on. This will mean train to school, living out in sticks etc. SS has also started smoking, threw darts in his bedroom door and is generally lazy, moody and its getting us down. He doesn't feel he needs to get a job as sixth is hard enough anyway!! What do we do.

I understand what you are saying.... the only way my teens got jobs was to withdraw money from them! They have to top up their mobs, buy CDs, go out with friends etc and they can't do that without dosh....!
That spurred mine on to go out and work... what about a local pub, restaurant or hotel?

have suggested just about everything but he says there is no hope! Have withdrawn all money but do you think to send to his mums is fair? I know its his mum but she has such little imput that I dont want him to feel hes being thrown out but husband says its the only way to show him. He feels that being in the middle of nowehere will make him realise he has a choice, either buck up or ship out.

My DSS decided to live with us permanently from the age of 15 - He was politely asked not to return to his expensive public school just after Christmas but they did allow him back to do his GCSE's ( they still took the rest of the years fee's tho'! but he did get 8A* and 3A's) He was living with his mum and sdad over 100 miles from us and was not having too good a time there so came to us - I made it very plain that he needed to work before 6th Form ( local college near us)

So, much as you are experiencing now, I went out, got the application forms etc and he did find a local job - Things tho' went from bad to worse once he started at the 6th form college and by November he was expelled from there - we found out that he had a "cannabis" habit which had been hiding from all of us for over 2 years - I went ballistic and threatened to send him back to his mum and stepdad ( bearing in mind my DD was a few months old when he came to us)
Anyway - cut a long story short - the thought of going back to his mum and stepdad sorted him out a treat - he got off his arse and got off the "wacky" and he now has an apprenticeship as an electrician, earns good money and is a changed guy - However it took a lot of rows, arguments, etc etc to get to this stage,
It boiled down to the fact that tho' bright he hated school, had a very destructive relationship with his stepdad and had turned to the wacky.
So, basically - is your DSS happy with being at school? some kids go in to 6th form when really it isn't "for" them and due to misplaced thoughts that it's "expected" of them drift along with what they think you want them to do (DH and DSS's mum both post grads) He said he felt as though he "had" to get A levels and go to Uni as he comes from an academic background.
If your DSS could earn some money now at a p/t job it may spur him on to make decisions and realise that he has to take some responsibility and accountability for his actions - maybe he's drifting and coasting as he isn't sure that this is what he wants?
When DSS left 6th Form I made sure that he knew he could return to full time education after a "break" if that was what he wanted but there was no way we'd allow him to sit on his arse scratching his balls all day!!

Anyway - that's what we experienced fwiw - sometimes there are bigger issues underlying the shitty, crappy, teenage boy behaviour and you have to gently peel away the layers to get to the bottom of it all.

Sorry it's so long winded !! - I wish you luck and love - It will turn out good in the end - it just takes a soddin' long time sometimes !

Thanks for story, it gives you hope, hes not such a bad lad just lazy and a real "Kevin". Is it mean to send him to his mums for some thinking time? His dad is a no-nonsense person who wont put up with his attitude whereas I'm a bit of a soft touch. I feel guilty if we make him pack up his bags although he said last night he wanted to go as him and his mum get on better but that could be because he sees her for one day a month! Last week he left a big roll up cigarette dimp outside our front door and its that sort of couldn't care less attitude that really gets you down. If we felt he'd hunted high and low for work we'd have every sympathy but hes phoned a few places and thats it. God its a pain, no wonder we turn to drink1

Are you and DP able to chat with his mum about it ?
She may have a different slant on things - does he have step brothers or sisters at his mums or will it be just the 2 of them?

And yes - Drink - the greatest known analgesic of all time !!

his mum is very defensive and her attitude is "you wanted him to live with you, don't now send him to me when the going gets tough". It will be just him, mum and stepdad if he moves, perhaps it what he needs, who knows. His mums got responsibilities too so perhaps its time for her to do her bit. Anyway I'll report back with events later! thanks

Ok Chin up mansfield - there's light at the bottom of the wine bottle !! [GRIN]

I think you're overreacting, if this is the worst your stepson does as a teenager then you should count yourself lucky!

It's important for teenagers to learn the value of money, but it's also important for them to feel like their parents are there for them. Kicking him out just 'cos he wont get a job quickly enough is the most surefire way to alienate him which will certainly lead to resentment and more problems.

Good luck.

It's his choice. None of my teenagers when working for A levels took jobs. Occasionally one night have in holidays but it's not wrong not to have a job. It's very hard to be 16. They need support, not criticism or pressure and it's very very difficult having a stepmother, not something most children want foisted on them at the best of times. HIs father could certainly tell him he's not allowed to smoke in the house. Telling him to leave is not very wise or kind.
Also his priority if he's bright enough should be good A levels and a good course at a good university so all the efforts going into that could be for his better long term good than Saturdays working in Tesco I always thought. They need interesting CV enhancing sports and jobs sometimes more than the mundane Saturday jobs.

I would keep him with you, let him make the decisions you can't force him to work perhaps teh applications you cgot him weren't where he wanted to be let him know it would help him to work and you would support him getting work but you would not force him. At 16 and with A levels it can seem to much to soem young peopel be gratefull he is studying and treat him with a bit more respect adn I 'm sure it will be reciprecated

My DD2 is 16 like your son and we have asked her to try and get a Saturday job. Sahe and I have tried hardwe have both ben to several places and she has givem in about 10 CV's and application forms. But has not heard anything from anyone.
You said your son has only had one interview. That was good that he got an interview even if he didn't get the job. It is not easy to get a job especially for 16 year olds. My DD has a lot of work to do for her A levels so she is just looking for a Saturday job. Her college don't want the students to work any more than 12 hours at the maximum and would prefer it if they don't do more than 8. I wouldn't withdraw your sons money as he would feel very frustrated if he still couldn't get a job. Just support him as much as you can and be proud that he is continueing his education. Sixth form can be a very hard time.

I certainly wouldn't be throwing him out. Only point I'd make is that I wouldn't want him smoking in the house. He is possibly lazy and moody as a result of you both 'being on his back every day'. That would get anybody down along with feeling not wanted. My ds didn't have a job all through college and has only just started to look around for something now (2nd year uni).

16 yo aren't grateful, it is the nature of the beast, but in your case I see his point. I wouldn't be grateful to people who seemed bent on screwing with my education.
You're on his back "every day" about doing menial work.
You don't mention being on his back about studying. I've tried to find a charitable view of what you're saying. Failed. Please help me.

He's finding 6th form hard. In a way I find that encouraging, since it may well mean he's working hard.
Screwing with that by making him do menial work to add to his load, strikes me as just bizarre.

As it happens I'm dead against work for A level students based upon my own experience.
The sort of work a 16 yo can get is typically working in a supermarket, which is not the goal we have for our kids, and certainly a world away from any experience that will be useful to them.

Also it sends the wrong message big time.
His disposable income will go up dramatically, and typically his social life will improve a great deal with it, and with older people. That means alcohol, and staying out late, and does enable him to afford drugs, and the fags you don't like.

Also supermarkets often put pressure on kids to do weekday work because it's hard for them to fill.
It will be different from boring school work and thus attractive.
Thus you are in effect showing a kid an "easy" way to make good money that's fun, but that impacts his studies and has no viable career path.

The only experience I want my kids to have of the "work environment" is how crap most of them are.

As for throwing darts in the door, well he'll take that skill and rent himself out to AlQaeda as a silent assasin. If that's the worst he's done, you are well ahead of most parents. But you're his parent are you ?

So sending him to his mum will be for the best, since you will then be able to focus upon your children, and not an ungrateful cuckoo.

Maybe your SS will end up getting an adult job serving food to my kids ? That's what you will achieve, but of course it wil be his fault, so that's OK.

DC
You're too much of a snob to be for real.

You honestly are.

well i think you should keep him and let him get on with 6th form and after that you can pester him to do crap jobs or go to university. when you are a teenager being unwanted is shit.

but I would not let him smoke in the house no no no

I'm a bit of snob when it comes to parenting, yes.
She is aiming for the poor kid who has fallen into her clutches to get a menial job.
I'm aiming higher, is all.

Why is it a snob to want the best for your children? There is al ot of work to do for A levels. What 16 year olds most need is tolerance, someone to talk about their A level work with if possible when they want to, a feeling they are loved for who they are, enthusiastic discussion about university courses and careers, ideally some activities he can enjoy with his parents and praise. It's terribly hard to praise most teenage boys but I tried to do it every day even if it was just thanking them for something you'd jolly well expect them to do, and I think it worked. He's a very nice 18 year old not.

Few schools want A level students taking part time jobs. In terms of job applications and UCAS forms you want something that stands out not worked in Tescos.

I did a paper round at that age (which was more an exercise/social activity as I usually had my ex OH ot a mate in tow!) & did a more "proper" temping job during the holidays, but I did also have LO to look after.

The people who did work weekends and evenings while in 6th form seemed to do worse at their exams.

My ex OH & his sister did a lot of household & garden chores in return for their money while at school, so they did learn that they don't just get money for nothing, but without interfering too much with their studies.

you shodul do like tony fomr the sopranos did
take everythign away from him adn threaten to chuck him out

I agree about not getting a p/t job at 6th form. It's a big jump for most kids to go from gcse's to 'a' levels, or whatever course he's doing. He's actually learning a lot atm (life skills, self discipline, balancing finances) even if he seems to be doing a crap job of it atm.

I am totally shocked at the notion of threatening, or even going through with it, to send the child to another parent just because things are tough. What sort or terrible message is that going to give him? How will that improve his outlook or make him more positive? He will then feel unwanted in both houses (it doesn't sound like real mum is desperate to have him back). And a home in neither.

I am shocked and depressed on his behalf tbh. I remember doing my a levels, and I really wanted to do them too, but I was bloody miserable and if I'd had the threat of eveiction and parents on my back to get a job on top of it, I don't know how I would have coped.

I find it amazing that a lot of you think he shouldn't get a job....
The way I look at it... teenagers have 2 arms and 2 legs and are quite capable of holding down a job doing a FEW hours work a week AND keeping up with their studies.
For those that say, they shouldn't work but should concentrate on their studies... are you honestly saying that all free time is spend studying? I think not....
My DD (final yr doing A level) works between 5 and 9 hours a week at the local pub...making about £40-£50 a week. I know that if she didn't work, the time would be spent on MSN or watching rubbish on TV... not studying.
They need to feel their worth.. and earning a small amount each week, brings that to them.

sorry.... should say DD doing A levels (3) and not just one A level!!!

Surely it's up to him if he gets a job or not? And up to you if you choose to give him pocket money or not?

I think nagging just re-inforces the idea that you're responsible for his behaviour tbh. You shouldn't be getting him application forms either, it's one thing to point a job ad out to him, but taking responsibility for getting the application form is wiping his arse, and that's frustrating for you and infantilising for him. If I were you I'd decide what level of pocket money you were willing to give him (if any - and tbh if he's not taking drugs I think at 16 he's borderline entitled to still have an allowance, depending on your family income -if you genuinely can't afford to give him pocket money, then he's old enough to understand that) and then simply don't give him any more. How he then manages that money is up to him. Don't nag him, allow him to learn by making his own choices, just as you do with a younger child.

Am also inclined to agree with his mother btw - why should you dump him on her when the going gets tough? Is his father just as responsible for him as she is or not? And from his POV, you're not exactly showing him unconditional support, are you, threatening to evict him if he doesn't measure up?

I suppose it's watching Brat Camp, but he doesn't sound that bad as teenagers go. Maybe Brat Camp lowers one's standards though and makes one think that if they're not actually threatening to murder you in a drug-crazed frenzy, they're quite well-behaved really.

Agreed, if my chkild spent pocket money on fags, that money would stop bit time.
As for working in a pub...
Mansfield's problem with her cuckoo is that he smokes. Exposing him to alcohol as well as smoke will only make things worse, surely ?

Teenagers are of course capable of doing a job, but it is simply incorrect to say it doesn't have an impact on their ability to study.

Yes, they squander time as do we all, and in extreme cases you need to stamp on that, but you don't make a time management problem worse by getting your kid to work as a skivvy.

The SS step seems to be showing character. He's ignoring mansfields demands that he botch up his future.
The world is a lot more qualification obsessed than it was. Even shop workers are asked for qwualifications these days, and good jobs require them.
Time was that a bit of work experience whilst at school was always good, and I still see CVs labouring under that misapprehension.

But it's not like that any more.
At all.
Even slightly.
The idea that working in a pub is any use for any job you'd actually want your kid to have is at best laughable, and in mansfield's case rather clear evidence of a dislike of a child not her own.