Would you expect your DD to pay for this herself?

[Misfitless]

DD (almost 18yrs) has a job in which she earns at least £30 per week.

She's in full time education, so obviously pays no rent. She does bugger all housework, but that's another thread.

Anyway, she said to me the other day "Oh, we'll have to go shopping mum..I need a couple of new bikinis and some summer dresses for our holiday!"

Now we both know that what she meant was, mum, you need to buy me some dresses and bikinis.

I stupidly said "OK!" because I was taken off guard and was a bit to be honest.

Anyway, having looked at my finances, I really can't afford to buy her anything. One of my other DD's aged 6 has got almost no clothes...certainly not enough to last her the duration of our 8 day holiday, and I myself seriously need some.

I also need to buy sunhats for other 3 DCs (all under 9 years old), plus the usual sunscreen, sunglasses for me etc.

Would you wise parents of teenagers expect them to fund this themselves?

I certainly would never had the bare faced cheek to say that to my mum, nor did I have any such sense of entitlement at that (or any) age.

I know I only have myself to blame, but WWYD?

If the older DC just finds themselves working to have the same amount of stuff as the younger one, then they are going to resent working.

It's different if a DC is 18 and wants drink, clubbing money or your older DC does more trips to town the cinema etc than your younger one. Working to fund grown up fun is fine.

But here my 13y is probably the more sociable so again DD only costs more because she gets stung for adult admission prices, which given she's still at school just seems wrong.

There just isn't a good answer.

at people saying older teens shouldn't have to buy their own stuff cos the younger ones get things bought for them - really????

Of course it's fair, they are different ages and have different earning power. As long as when the younger one reaches the age the older one is at now and is treated similarly to how the older one is currently treated that is entirely fair.

Elephants - are you really stopping your older one getting a part time job because her younger sister will resent her having the money - you are barking, and doing both a disservice.

To put it into context, DD1 has loads of clothes, more than anyone else has.

It's not that she doesn't have a bikini.

Also her younger siblings are not in a position to buy their own clothes.

I hardly ever get myself anything, or spend money on things for myself that aren't a necessity, but I do think on this occasion, there are two of us (me and DD aged 6) who clearly warrant the money being spent on us because we need clothes for our holiday!

Will check through responses again later. Thanks!

shock at people saying older teens shouldn't have to buy their own stuff cos the younger ones get things bought for them - really????

I agree titchy. Overall, each kid will get the same number of years being clothed by their parents. Doesn't make sense to extend this for the older ones just because the youngers are still dependent.

16-18 is a good age to start fazing the dependence out, when they have some income of their own.

If the older DC just finds themselves working to have the same amount of stuff as the younger one, then they are going to resent working.

Such is life. Its a very adult lesson to learn - you work to afford the things you want.

Oh Floop, to me you are the word of wisdom.

I agree with you.

It really depends on what she has to use her £30 to spend on really.

Does she normally have to buy all her own clothes? Make up? Toiletries? Going out/Socialising?

Both my ds were self funding from 16, I thought it was right.
They are 22 and 19 and the only thing I have done for them was paid ds1 car insurance in one go to save him monthly payments. He paid me back monthly. They have bought own car, insurance, tax MOT, fuel, clothes, travel, entertainment, phone etc.
I'm not saying I'm right just that my own opinion is at 16 they are adults and should be self financing.

Have you never actually had an agreement about what you pay for and what her wages are expected to cover? All clothes; some clothes; shoes; coats, bus fares, entertainment school lunches?

I would expect to fully support both my DC until they are in full time employment. If they managed to earn £30 per week I wouldn't cut their allowance as long as they are in education.

I know it doesn't really help now, but I think you should have discussed your expectations when she started working.

So if you'd told her that she had to buy all her own non-essential clothes from then on, I'd say that that was absolutely fine and reasonable.

But if you've continued buying her stuff, and you usually treat her to holiday clothes just before a holiday, then I don't think you can be surprised that she expected this to continue and saw her wages as 'extra'.

Personally I would offer to buy 1-2 items but then clarify what you are/are not willing to fund from now on.

Misfitless...

!!

Well, some good advice on here. We haven't really had a chat about what her wages should cover, now I come to think of it , which is where I've gone wrong.

I'll have a chat with her tomorrow about what she needs to pay for in future, then we'll both know where we stand.

I'll get her to see if she can find a bikini online in the sale, and offer to pay for it if it's not too much.

Thank you. It's really good to read everyone's POV, I really didn't know if I was being unreasonable or not.

Whatever you decide about buying or not buying for her, I don't think it's fair to make up new rules on spending your/her money without explaining to her first whether she likes it or not. If you have previously set a precedent of taking her shopping and buying everything she wants it's tough to decide not to buy her anything now without warning. OTOH if you can't you can't, and she has to be old enough to understand that.

My DS1 is about the same age and earns about the same money. He also gets a tiny allowance from us (£20 a month). My rule for him is that I will kit him out in a basic wardrobe of absolute necessities. e.g. sensible clothes for school, shoes, cheap jeans, T shirts, tops, a coat. Anything which is an extra, a 'fashion item' or a designer label price counts as a luxury and that's what his own money is for.

What about going through your dd's wardrobe with her and agreeing what she really needs for the holiday e.g. one bikini if she's grown out of her old one and taking her to Primark to get it ?

I don't think you need universal steadfast rules at all times. 'Sorry DD, we just can't afford it at the minute' is valid. As is, 'of course DD, we can treat you this time.'

She's an adult. She's not a toddler. You don't need hard rules, because she can understand reason.

I have a (just turned) 18 yr old with a PT job.
I buy essentials - they buy 'things they fancy'.
So, in your case - she's got enough clothes to manage on holiday, so, if she wants more or just wants 'new' then that would come from her own money.

I have four kids.. aged 17 -22 . One is in a full time job (earning more than me) two are at University and one (special needs) at school. I Still buy stuff for them ..as and when I can afford to!

One at Uni has a p/t job and refuses to take more from me than £30 a week for food. The other Dd1 at uni has a 'bank health care' job and works sporadically.. I buy her stuff when she asks/needs, and am having to fund her elective placement abroad this summer ( she's a med student) and send her £50 a week to survive.. help pay for travel costs etc, It is seriously tight for us and only manageable because DS2 has disability allowance, which we are upfront about saying, feeds his sisters!

I don't fund 'I wants' but I DO fund 'I need/please can you help me' because at the end of the day they still need me to help, and I want to help.

In your position I would help..if I could, but expect your DD to use her own wages to pay most of the cost.

No, I haven't encouraged her because I think she needed a rest after GCSEs, didn't know if we were going on holiday and actually don't want to spend the entire summer running her to and from work.

Oh and totally selfishly I'd rather she was here to keep DD2 company as we live in the middle of nowhere.

In any case it's totally academic as she'd have lost her job before she started because she's hurt her foot and isn't able to do much.

She is massively pissed off.

She needs to get fitter and see if she can get a job somewhere she can cycle to at a push. No where is really near enough or on safe enough roads you'd want to do it everyday.

Once she's 14, I hope DD2 will find some babysitting (DD1's idea of hell).

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No idea what is happening !!!! Sorry ....
Anyway.
Your dd will want to buy stuff on holiday, I say here is £x as a one off holiday allowance. Please spend it wisely because we are on a "family" budget. I can't give you anymore.

Things you "need" (and I do check!) I would buy cheaply.
Things you "want" you buy.

I would buy her something, even if just a bikini from Primark. She won't feel resentful towards you then but will appreciate you making the effort whilst understanding the need to get a part time job. As pp have said, depends what her £30 is used for, but it's not a lot of money.

Regardless of what she earns you can't afford what you can't afford and have to prioritise.

she doesn't need two bikinis for starters. 2 is nice but 1 is enough for a holiday. they dry out quickly enough.