DD aged 17 has turned into a lying selfish lazy untrustworthy thief with depression

[1ceni]

Questions are racing through my mind - So which one caused the other? How did this happen? How can I trust her? How to address the issues without pushing her deeper into her depression? How do I keep the peace between DH and DD - I'm stuck in the middle - wanting to protect her and help when the scales have fallen from my eyes and I'm starting to see all her imperfections. I know teenage is a hard time for teenagers but my goodness me... I love her but I don't like her very much just now. I know there is no easy answer so this is more of a despairing rant than anything else.

Hi. This is a hard time. To be honest I would tackle the depression and try to ignore the other for now. The depression is the one to really worry about. Seek medical help - anti depressants if necessary, they will help restore her hormone imbalance in her brain that may be causing it.
The other issues should solve once the depression is helped.
It must be such a hard time for you. Keep strong. I hope that the daughter you once had resurfaces very soon.

Parenting teenagers is very difficult, but there are loads of people on here who can give support or just listen while you rant away.

It's difficult to comment on such a general post but I would say - pick your battles (because you can't tackle all of this at once), prioritise seeking help for her depression and remember that most teens come out the other side and turn into lovely young adults.

How to address the issues without pushing her deeper into her depression?

You need to stop thinking of her as "lying selfish lazy untrustworthy thief with depression", I would imagine.

And that was the nicest thing I could think of to say.

Depression is an illness that can cause people's behaviour to change, The first thing to do is be there for her and. get her some medical help. Encourage her to go to her GP.

Depression does not cause lying/stealing or untrustworthiness and it does a disservice to this health issue to say so.

Yes, focus on helping her tackle the depression - GP/therapy/Cahms text

But put good boundaries around yourself and don't tolerate stealing or lying. Don't facilitate that behaviour.

Withdraw as much as possible and condemn the behaviour while saying that you love her.

Hide your things if she is stealing from you.

I don't think anyone is saying depression causes lying etc. I think they are saying that depression is the main concern as it can in some cases be there for the rest of your life. Depression I totally agree doesn't cause the other issues but it does alter the way you process thoughts. But is very individual. Depending on the type of depression in some cases you can act irrationally or out of character.
The behaviour and depression could be interlinked. Only a professional would know.
If the depression is supported and recitified then she will have a clearer head to think and deal with the other behaviour.
Yes deal with the behaviours but gently as her mental well being is the primary concern.
I can only begin to imagine how difficult it must be living with depression for both the person and their family.

There is a good book called ' how to help your loved one overcome depression' by Nicola Ridgeway that describes how not to act with someone that you live with who has depression, and what you can do to help. There are things you can say which will make her feel worse so this book is helpful from stopping you make mistakes.

The main thing the book recommends is that you listen to whatever she wants to tell you, without trying to problem solve. Don't give suggestions to fix her. Just empathise. SHe will want to find a way to fix herself.

But I would recommend you encourage her to get GP input for her with regard to the package of depression and lying/stealing.