12am 1am or 2am curfew for 17 yo ds or none at all????

[Haffdonga]

What do you vipers let your big teens get up to these long summer nights?

Ds1 is mostly sensible, sometimes hardworking and usually pleasant. In fact, I quite like him . He's got a job working about 4 days a week and is between AS and A levels at school. Over these long warm nights he has been spending every night 'in the park' chatting with a group of friends. (Yes, he thinks I'm that gullible.) He has admitted some friends smoke weed but not him.

Anyway, he's not coming home before 2am every night and I'm a bit at loggerheads with him about what constitutes a reasonable time to come home.

His points: Mum, I'm safe, I'm sensible, it's summer. I'm almost adult.You can trust me. I get up for work. There's no reason for me to come home any earlier.

My points: (well I don't know if I have a point really. I just feel like he should be home at least by 1am unless there's a pre-planned party or something but I'm not sure why I feel that.)

So, do you have a curfew for your proto-adults? What are your ground rules for nights out? What time do yours come home on non party nights?

IBU, aren't I?

Ooh more ideas.

You've really helped me clarify my thoughts a bit here. I think I'm fighting a losing battle with ds if I try and specify an arbitrary set time to be in by every night (as AtiaoftheJulii says, what's the moral difference between 1 and 2?) As ds points out he has never given me reason not to trust him.

But for safety, common sense and my sleep consideration to others he needs to let me know where he is and who with if he is going to be any later than 12 during summer hols and 10 in term time. Does that sound fair?

(Actually, I suspect the minute the rain starts this will no longer be an issue )

I must admit my kids are younger so I haven't reached this stage yet. But, I don't understand this thinking: "When he's 18 I won't have a leg to stand on about what time he comes home". ? Why not?

I assumed that when a child is living with their parents, at any age really, it's understood/allowed that the parents can limit some aspects of their behaviour. If the child wants unlimited freedom, they have to move out, pay their own bills, be an independent adult in every way not just the ways that suit them.

I can't imagine giving up ALL control of my DSs the moment they turn 18 if they still live at home.

And I don't believe he's just sitting in a park with the girl every night till 1am. Come on.

Well, I would just let him get on with it TBH as long as he let me know if he was going to be late in. If you trust him and he's not getting up to any harm then let the lad enjoy some freedom. You're only young once. I can't see any logical reason to impose a curfew.

My dd is 17 and has to be back by 2. She is very rarely back this late, usually by 12, but if there is a party she will be later.

Ds1 is 17. No curfew but must answer texts so we know where he is and that he's ok. I text when I go to bed to get an update on where he is and how he is getting home. And be quiet when you come in and don't forget your keys!

whatsgoingon I thought that too! but realistically they are almost completely independent... You can't get medicAl info or college info eg grades etc except via them. They aren't children and can't be 'controlled'. (Tho tbh I don't see how you can actually control anyone over about a year old...it's all negotiation and persuasion after that).

And these days they really can't move out even if they want to if rents are so high as they are here.

I didn't have a curfew at that age before ID was invented - we were out clubbing/in pubs/back to mates houses on the weekend/in the holidays till whenever.

How do you MAKE a teen come home at a certain time? Surely they have to agree to do what you have asked?

I agree with you whatsgoingon in principle. I don't think just because ds is nearly 18 that suddenly I have no authority over him and that I abdicate all responsibility for all his actions . I have some moral authority and expect respect and civility from him. But as they get older you find out that in fact you are absolutely powerless to 'control' your dc. You just have to trust that you've instilled enough morality and common sense within them as they grow up that by this stage they make sensible choices of their own. If you try and set strict boundaries that they rebel against there is fuck all very little you can do to enforce them if they disagree. If I said 'ds, you have to be back by 10pm every night' and he simply says 'no', I am pretty powerless to enforce it. Yes, I could cut his allowance but he earns his own money. But really why would I? Next year, with luck, he'll be at uni. I wont be able to check his bedtimes or what he does with any friends in any parks!

I think this is probably a case of following the MN adage 'pick your battles'. If ds was messing up at school or work, getting in trouble or coming home stoned/drunk, I'd have good reason to put my foot down. But as he's not, I guess I should let him explore his own boundaries.

Believe me, it's not easy. He's my baby and I still want to check he's cleaned his teeth for 2 minutes and taken his fish oil supplements. I'd like him to be at home reading useful academic books and practicing the violin after he's tidied his bedroom but actually, it's probably quite good that he's not.

Enjoy your littlies whatsgoingon. You'll be facing these dilemmas before you know it.

For me at that age, cycling back very fast from town (racing bike), very drunk, at 3am.
For my own dc, not a chance. Home by 10. Definitely.

Reverse psychology? Stop trying to get him in the house.
Say 'My house, my rules. And the rule is that we go to bed by midnight. If you're not back by then that's fine, but you are locked out."

Senua really you'd lock him out? A kid who's doing well at school, is generally polite and good company, who's so far shown himself to be trustworthy? You'd leave him locked out on the street all night just because it was late?

My guess is your dcs are much younger or your dcs have left home fairly young.

Arf.

I employed the 'leave me a message so I know you're safe' route. We went to bed with the porch light on and they had to turn it off when they came in. That way, when you go for the middle-of-the-night pee, you know that they are back safely.

Ha! So you have been there Senua

When I was 17/18 my dad insisted on me coming to tell him I was home safely, never mind what time. It's all changed now though with ddad in his late 80s getting into a right fix if dh and I stay, go out in the evening and don't come back by 10ish. He seems genuinely scared something might happen to us (dh and my combined age is 92, so I think we can look after ourselves...)

well saidhaff. The key thing is getting them to be sensible and independent and able to weigh up situations etc when they are young. and consistently pointing out consequences so that they internalise that process and thus "think through" their actions as they get older. We can't control them but we can give them the tools for self-control.

I remember when Dd was 16, she used to threaten 'you wait till I'm 18, I will be out all night and you will never see me etc etc
When she turned 18 she had a couple of nights out and that was it out of her system
She much preferred sitting in the pub for a meal with a mate

I still use the hallway light code senua just gives me peace of mind

17 year old dd's curfew is 5, but ive been told by some mothers that this is far too late (judgy!) but i'm just going off of her friend's and what mine was at her age

ZOMBIE THREAD

DD 17 home by 2 at weekends unless special occasion, she never goes out till 10pm. In the week 11 or I don't sleep and she makes a racket coming in.