Same old, same old - DSs and general mess and lack of cooperation

[MeridithMcMilan]

I have two DSs 16 and 19 - for as long as I can remember I have been battling to get them, the older one, to do simple things like put their clothes into the laundry basket, rather than on the floor; bring plates out of bedroom; blah blah blah.

I withdraw services - don't cook or wash etc and things improve for a day or so, and then they carry on as normal. I tell them they're being disrespectul but they mainly regard it as a joke between one and just buy pizzas themselves - the elder one earns money and doesn'tmind spending it on food for them both.

I realise they often don't see the mess, and its of no consequence to them, "its my bedroom", but I like to live in a tidyish house.

They know how to wash their own clothes and they can cook their own meals, but I like to to cook for them when they've been at college/work and I prefer their clothes to be washed regularly - they would just wear everything and then find something on the floor to wear, or wash the one item they want to wear.

I know I'm imposing my standards on them, but don't think they're unreasonable and I obviously missed the chance to train them into tidiness long ago.

Advice please.

Stop caring about them. They obviously don't care about you.

I wouldn't nag them. Just close the door on their squalor and let them get on with it.

Have the same problem but is all over the house. Can't take clean clothes upstairs and walk past the dishwasher to dump plate in sink. Taking plates in to kitchen takes place on a good day as they are quite often left wherever they have eaten. No food allowed upstairs and they tend to stick to that.

I am at a lost to know what to do as well.

Let's hope the wise ones come soon Chilly

What do you do for them that they would miss? You need to find consequences that they actually care about. Maybe turning off the wifi? Do you give them lifts?

Unless the negatives of being untidy actually make them unhappy, they'll just continue to ignore you.

Sometimes all you can do is decide not to let it get to you. Close the bedroom door, don't do their laundry - at all, not just for a couple of days. If you cook, make them sit at the table and put their plate in the dishwasher after.

Maybe time for the older one to move out?
When I was 19 I was messy beyond belief - never cleaned as a matter of principle. Now I am like you.

One drives (own car) and the other is happy to get on their bike.

I could refuse to do the washing but as Meredith says they would wash as they go. I have trained them in so far as if you want it washed it goes in the laundry basket.

They can cook if I refuse but they would use stuff which I had planned for another meal.
I have learned to generally live with the bedroom mess but it is their inability to care what downstairs looks like.
As far as leaving home my DD doesn't know how many hours she will work from one week to the next. Can't leave home on that.

I have two DSSs and it's quite a battle to get them to use our home in a way that is acceptable.

I have an absolute ban on food in bedrooms - indeed, outside the kitchen unless we are all eating together in the dining room.