would you ...

[losingdd]

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nope but its flipping hard when you know all their friends are going to be going. But they need to know who holds the reins.

losingdd, no i wouldnt, after what your dd has put you through, she cant then expect to have treats..and it is a treat at the end of the day.

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I wouldn't want to but that is the stubborn part of me saying that.

On balance I think I would let her go because if you didn't she would look back on it/you with greater resentment.

You can still lay the law down in other areas. I know you have had a really tough time with her but I feel you should let her go. Can she contribute anything towards it?

I think the experience could possibly bring about a change in her attitude for the reasons you give losingdd, so I would definitely consider letting her go. It's not as if it's a holiday, it is an educational trip.

I have considered sending my dd to stay with a friend of ours in San Francisco for a month or two with the same sort of hope in mind!

losingdd, you answered your own question.
"i feel so sad that she has ruined it for herself"

It's sadly very easy to get into a negative sycle when your teenagers are trouble. Deep down they are still children and need someone to break that negativity. Allowing her to go, but making her contribute some towards it would go a long way to giving her a much needed positive. (Not saying you don't but ykwim).