14/15yr old driving me crazy HELP

[FabFlorist]

Background - she's my dd1, she is 15 next week, her bio dad left when she was a baby and my dh has been her dad since she was 15mths, we are loving parents, she has a good home life, is doing well at school and has a Saturday job.

The Problem - her attitude, she's vile to us and her little sister (dd2 is 8yrs) she starts arguments at night and wakes her sister most nights. She thinks she can do what she wants when she wants. Especially in the holidays.

Recently she has tried to deceive us to gain entry to her gran's house to have a party while she was away (we caught her out and it didnt go ahead thank god) my mum has backed us up and told her its unacceptable and she needs to be better behaved. Last half term she got drunk on neat vodka, passed out and was sick alot and her brand new iphone5 was smashed. Last night was her first outing after being grounded for the planned party deception and wanted to come home at 930pm we said ok but no later as we had originally asked her to be in at 9pm, she was late and had been drinking wine (slurring, eyes dilated). We said it wasn't on and she would be grounded again (any words of advice about how long to ground her for this time? a couple of days? or longer?) she went mad saying she wasn't being grounded again, we are too strict, we can get bent, do one, that her dad isn't her dad and can't tell her what to do etc then said i'm not her mum (erm yeh ok love lol). In april she also ruined our family holiday by basically acting like we had kidnapped her even though we got her wifi so she could still contact friends, it was a 2 wk all inc hol which we have never done before so we had been really looking forward to it

After the vodka episode I took her to the doctors to get her the morning after pill (as their were lads at the party and she had hazy memories, not full on sex but other stuff going on before she passed out!) I also spoke to the doctor about her being on the pill (she had previously been on it to calm her erratic periods but kept not taking it so didn't solve the issue) she is now taking it (i'm ensuring she is) I also spoke to them about getting her referred to Camhs (her appt is early sept) because I believe she has slight OCD (just re-decorated her bedroom and if something wasn't white enough she wouldn't have it) she is very materialistic and looks after her stuff very well (which is good) she has definate sibling rivalry issues (vile to her sister or ignores her completely, said she wishes she was never born/ was dead etc which is very upsetting for dd2 who is very sensitive) then there is the issue of dd1's bio dad who has never bothered to gain access, he is an unsavory guy, in and out of prison for violent assaults, not a good role model at all so I'm relieved he has left us alone tbh as he stalked me, abused me etc.

My question - How do I handle all of this? How do I trust her to go out? What do I do when I'm working and can't be here? How do I protect my dd2 from her sister? It's her birthday soon and we said we weren't getting her a present as such because we were doing her bedroom up instead. We have been saying for the past 6mths if she could be good for a couple of weeks we would do her room but she couldn't/ didn't manage it so as it needed doing we did it for her birthday instead of presents.

Dd1 is going to her aunts for 6 days next week so at least we can have a break but she just had a weekend at her grandparents and though she was an angel for them she has obviously come back and done this.

Is there an older girl in your family that could keep an eye on her, guide her through these rough months? I suspect she'd take gentle nagging better from somone who is not you.

I'm a bit of an old fart but I'd be stricter about the drinking especially if she is already having sex. Is she appalled when she sees what could happen? Do you watch those teenager abroad programmes together - might just shock her.

What are her friends like, are they the same with their mums - do you know any of them to ask?

It's good that you're getting support from CAHMs, I hope that helps.

BTW, what is her weekend job? Has she got a real interest in it or is it just a source of money?

When I read your posts OP, I also thought you were too controlling. At 15, she needs to start forging a life for herself. Make sure she realises the consequences of her actions.

My dd is 17. SHe still does not behave well all the time, but there are natural consequences for the stuff she does - if she drinks too much, she feels like shit the next morning and I have no sympathy. If she takes pills, she will end up in hospital. If she leaves her room as a pig stye, she will soon run out of clothes and she wont be able to take her friends in there. If she eats crap all day, she gains weight and gets spots.

Change the phone sim now - you will save in the long run. My kids have a Tesco £10 a month capped contract. No worries about extra bills, no dodgy downloads, no overseas calls. And a data limit. Or take her phone away at night from 10/11pm. SHe can have it back when she gets out of bed.

Switch off the internet at whatever time you seem suitable - we switch off at 10pm.

Lighten up a little over the holidays. My son is in bed until noon most days. Come September, he will be back to the school routine.

Plan some days out and tell her what time you are leaving. And leave at that time. My DD use to fuss arse about controlling the whole family. We got fed up with the drama of it, waiting while she got dressed, did her make up, looked on facebook.. One day, we were going out for dinner. Gave her due warning that we would be leaving at 7pm....gave her 5 minute warning...told her we were leaving....and went. 10 minutes later, we get a call asking where we were and she was aghast that we had gone without her. But she has never pulled the same delay stunt again.

Grounding is OK, but we have inadvertently found that "house arrest" is also good - especially when they know their mates are going swimming/movies/beach/party, and they cant go.

I think you are micromanaging by trying to have rules about most parts of her life. what time to go to bed at. what time to get up at. whether she can get a train or not. what she eats at every meal. an early curfew (based on the fact that you have to get up early?). She doesn't seem to have any control over her time and a lot of her life and I think, is rebelling against feeling that way.

My sister is good with her and she works with her so she knows she can talk to her whenever and my sister is very sympathetic and understanding.

I will take your advice on board and try harder to let go, I suppose it's incredibly hard with your first child as it's a learning curve. Especially as we keep trying to give her freedom and pretty much every time she messes up in some way by either drinking or being late or not be contactable and making us worry.

She lacks common sense which is something we spoke to cahms about, she seriously doesn't seem to connect the action means whatever consequence which is worrying and sometimes dangerous (on holiday there was a hotplate with a milk jug on it with a sign in english saying caution hot, she touched it to check it was hot )

I will try to phrase things differently as suggested.

She works in a hairdressers, her boss would like her to become an apprentice but dd1 would like to go to college and uni and have her own business as a fashion designer with her own brand. I've told her she can do whatever she puts her mind to as long as she is prepared to put the work in and the hours.

What does house arrest mean, how it is different to grounding?

Yes your first is hard and a bit of an experiment. My dd is my eldest. I ask my friends who are older than me or my dsis who has older teens for advice. It makes me realise how common the issues are.

This may be where its tricky then as most of my friends still don't have children or if they do they are little, I'm 32 and I try to get advice from family but it's been a long time since we were that age and my dsis doesn't have children yet.

Too many rules from you gives her something to kick against. Let things go, if she wants to eat chocolate for breakfast it's no big deal and the chances are if you hadn't mentioned it she'd have made herself something to eat within an hour anyway. If she wants to stay in bed, leave her make the rule in her room at 10.30pm but she can choose when she goes to sleep and get up. Let her make her own mistakes, let her use the train it's the only way she will learn to get it right, dd was travelling the length of the country at 15 to meet friends and cousins.
I've done the teen thing four times now (mine are aged 26 to 19) and my advice would be to try to be the person your dd would want to confide in so protect that relationship by turning a blind eye and a deaf ear as much as possible (long periods of grounding will solve nothing and build resentment) so that if she is ever in trouble you will be the one she calls

I also think you are being a bit too controlling, and trying yo micromanage. I also gave a 15yo dd1 who can be vile to me. I have had to force myself to step back and give her her freedom to a point. And accept that she will mess up, but that that is the only way she will learn how to manage herself. My telling her how to live a good life won't make any difference.

Interestingly there was a piece of research done in the US that looked at teenagers brainwave activity (I think) and found that it was significantly less in the mornings, but much greater in the evenings and night. Which perhaps explains how they can sleep til midday and stay up all night. I used to, but I couldn't now. I let my dd sleep in in the holidays, and stay up late in the evening.

When my dd shouts, strops, sulks I try to just blank it, give her nothing to argue with. It's very difficult to argue with a wall . Tell her you love her and trust her to make the right choices. She might not, but will feel guilty that she has messed up, deep down, and that will eventually make her change her behaviour. You will probably never know that she has felt guilty, but her behaviour changes over time will speak miracles

And re drinking in the park, and fears over her getting pregnant, etc. you have to trust her to not, otherwise she will just do it to rebel. It is the single biggest fear of any mum of a teenage dd (no matter how likely or not it is) IMHO. You have told her that you got pg at 16 and she will know how hard that is, I am sure you have told her ad nauseum. If she does she does. You cannot prevent it by micromanaging her. I have told both my dd that they know how babies are made, to be sensible and careful, pg's don't ever happen by accident, and they we trust them to not allow that to happen to them (excluding rape but I am not going there). Now it is up to them.

Trust her, let her fuck up, let her learn.

I don't currently have staff, I do everything myself from cleaning & paperwork to looking after 6 children, taking them on day trips or getting up at 4am for the flower market to doing a wedding where I go to 3 places to deliver bouquets, pew ends and table centre pieces.

I know I need to quit childminding so I can be less busy and focus on running my shop, technically I also have another business which is a side line, painting murals but I fit this in during quiet times with the flowers (as I only do events) but money is the main problem (as always eh) plus I've cut down on numbers with how many children I have I only have 4 that I have had long term and I think they will naturally leave one by one over the next few months. Once I've been up and running a while (I'm still in the first year with the shop) and all debts are cleared I'm hoping things will become easier.

DH was made redundant last year and I've been suffering back pain too so there have been a fair few obstacles to contend with, maybe I am trying to keep control because I don't know how I would cope other wise? I don't know. At the moment I am trying to get through each day a bit at a time.

I will probably delete this thread at some point as I feel there is a lot of personal info that could identify me but for the moment I feel it gives you all the bigger picture so you can hopefully give me the benefit of your experience and advice as all I want is to make our lives happier.

I've been hugely lucky that I've had four teens who have never been any trouble (my fifth is 11 so I have time yet) and I think they either live up or down to expectations tbh. So mine didn't have an early curfew but I would expect them to let me know where they were and when they'd be back. They didn't get drunk in the park but I'd buy them a small amount of alcohol to share with friends at home or at friend's houses. They didn't keep to the family routines but I'd expect them to let me know if they wanted to eat with us or not. I think because they felt they had input into their lives they never felt the need to rebel and it certainly made my life with teens very easy in comparison to say a friend of mine.

I appreciate that not everyone has this handy bank of knowledge! Most of my friends are about 10 years older than me (I haven't figured out how this happened!) so have a great perspective on this stuff. You have been given some great advice on this post and I def will be taking some of it on board.

One of the best things I did last year to distance my dd from a couple of girls who I knew weren't a great influence on her (lots of drinking, lots of casual sex etc) was to make it easier for her to see the better "behaved" friends. I never banned the other group, in fact I never even criticused them. I organised some stuff they wanted to do and had the more sober ( but still good fun) friends at it. sleepovers. cheap concerts. cinema trips. shopping trips. Gradually these friends took over completly and my dd became a bit critical of the other crowd. I didn't join in the criticisim. lots of "do you think so?" or "You could have a point there" from me. My dd split from the other group and I sympathised with her whilst being privately delighted! Funnily enough my dd realised a year later what I had done and thanked me. A year makes a huge difference in a teenagers development.

Hang in there - it does get better.

I think you need to give her space and relax a bit. Forget about bedtimes, she's 15, she needs to learn to look after herself. And that doesn't mean getting told what to do and when, it means guiding her, dropping hints. It doesn't matter the small things like what she eats and bedtimes. You need to let so she realises the consequences. I agree a hobby / exercise would help get her to have something she's interested in of her own. Does she have a pet? I had a dog at that age which I did all the care for and took to agility/ training classes.
Don't pander to her when she's doing something you think is wrong, praise her, talk to her about her life, go out for the day and just have fun.
Tell her stories of when you were that age, but not in a patronising way, say it was difficult if it was at times and what you did to change things.
Every Friday we have a film night , with snacks. Maybe you could get her to pick a film to watch with you.
It may help her if there is a mentoring programme at school when she's back there.

We have had to think the ground rules for our 15 yr old this summer.
She can sleep and wake when she likes, but cannot disturb other members of the family.
She can eat what she likes for breakfast and lunch, but eats dinner with us.
She was upset about invasion of her space, so we have agreed to only enter her room once a week at a set time, so she can prove to us she can keep it clean and tidy, return plates to the kitchen, etc and then we just need to look round the door and leave.
During term time she puts her phone on charge overnight, but during the holidays she can keep it.
We have a few planned family days/outings which she knows about.
She can go out, as long as we know where she's going and when she's coming back.

Basically trying to give her safe independence. It's hard though, because they do make some silly decisions.

Thanks everyone! I will try hard. So far today I haven't told her what she should do (im at work so shes on her own) she said she has stomachache and sore throat so I suggested banana and tea and then gave her the number for our doctors and said she could ring for an appointment if she wanted to. I have sent a couple of texts about being there for her and loving her and it will get better etc. She promised a few days ago to clean out tje rabbits and ring relatives to thank them for cardsand ppresents im leaving her to it in tye hope she will do it off her own back (I did write it on her whiteboard last night as a reminder) if she hasn't dine those 2 things by tonight what would you all suggest I do? Its not fair on the rabbits or her family if she doesn't so I cant really ignore it can I?

I will chill out on bedtime and just say in your room and stuff on charge by 10.30.

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All medication so she cant take anything as I was told to lock away meds (they were in a high cupboard with child locks but now need locking in a box with a key)

The rabbits? I'd offer to give her a hand and then when you are both busy ask what the people she was supposed to ring have said (act as though you assume she has already phoned) if she hasn't phoned ask her if she wants you to remind her tomorrow or would she rather send a note or email instead. It gives her more choices, you aren't nagging but you aren't letting her forget (keep a stash of thank you notelets in too)

Giving her a hand isn't possible as im doing 16hr days until Sunday then ill do about 6hrs.

Giving her a hand isn't possible as im doing 16hr days until Sunday then ill do about 6hrs.