Sexual message on DS (13) phone

[pasanda]

DS went to a sleepover with 2 others on Friday and I know they were up until 6am larking about on phones etc.

Sometimes I take a look at his phone (although most of the time he deletes texts/KIK stuff because he knows I do this) and yesterday I found the following message. I think, but am not 100% sure that he wrote it on behalf of one of his mates who was asleep at the time.

I have to confess my love for you. I have fancied you since I saw you in Maths sitting with your legs open and I could see the outline of your vagina lips, they looked wet, so I presumed you were wet over me, the evening of that day I went home locked my bedroom door and wanked over you.

I'm telling you this because I was hoping to ask you out but u fancied Ben so I didn't.

I took a photo of you in RE so I could take it home and wank over you each Wednesday (wank day) I hope you finger yourself over me.

Plz reply

My first thought was boys together will do this kind of crass stuff but having had the night to think it over, I feel slightly sick that the parents of this girl may read it and also to wonder why it's so graphic. He was only 13 in May.

He doesn't know I have read this. He says I spy on him and gets pissed of that I read his phone - hence the deleting.

WWYD

This is why such young children shouldn't have phones or be on social media until they are more mature. What's the actual point of it? It just causes more harm than good. Give them a Nokia 3210 and send them on their way. Did us no harm not having smart phones etc

I agree with girl, thank god there wasn't social media about when I was this age. My children don't have phones or computer access nor will they do at that age unless it's a basic phone for contact purposes as we live five miles away from school. But phones would be left in an open place when at home. I have a nearly 13 and 12 year old dss and dsd and their mum allows all this and wonders why they have issues with bullying, over sexualisation and general bad behaviour at home!

Girl and Ellenjames* when is older and more mature? 14, 15, 16?

Wether we like it or not, our DCs are children of today not children of our childhoods.

They have to learn to cope with social media, just as we learnt to cope with cycling miles, drinking at local Discos and going shopping alone on the train at 13/14.

Traditionally society gives fredooms to DCs just as they go through puberty, discover the opposite sex and are at their most immature and silly.

That's always going to have it's pitfalls.

DD2 has had an unfiltered lap top since she was 6. She wouldn't have contemplated doing anything stupid, it was her total pride and joy. She's 13 now and I don't think she'd do anything daft now because she's heard the sensible internet lecture of me (and school) a 100 times, some when she was young enough to actually listen.

And that's the major problem, if you say no social media or web access until 13 or 14, they think they know it all and don't listen.

Yes, I got drunk at 14, but in a safe small village with DFs to take me home. My london flatmates got drunk at Freshers in a big city where they knew no one...

I was just putting forward my opinion as someone who sees the damage done. And just because the majority do something does not make it the right thing to do. I can't restrict what my kids do at friends houses as I am not that strict but they know why I feel that social media is only suitable for adults as they see the trouble it causes their older siblings. It is hard to know what to do for the best as we are all different and have different values, but this is something that my dh and I feel strongly about. I wish you well sorting out this problem in a way best for your family

Definitely not 12 Elephants it's still a child. And like the op said this could follow him when he's older if he got in trouble etc.

I understand needing phones to contact parents if school is far etc but no way smart phones with full Internet access. There's no way parents can restrict them and go knows what they could look. Scary times.

That's my opinion anyway, I really hope the op is ok as it must be horrible to read such things and I disagree with her ex saying not to check stuff.

You know what, I've read the thread again and this could've happened on a phone with just texts so my post wasn't really relevant to the op.

He could've even written her a letter if it was pre mobile days, so I take back my comment to the op.

I think it's good you're talking to your ds about respect etc as that sounds very important. Definitely explain that writing such an explicit letter to a girl wouldn't be welcomed and maybe read up on love poems

If my 13 year old dd got a text like that I'd be in contact with the school and/or the police and/or the parents (if I knew them). No way would I think it was just a joke or acceptable lads being lads.

My dh is exactly the opposite to your ex - it's because he knows teenage boys think about sex all the time that he thinks it's incredibly important that control is exerted - preferably by them, but if they're not capable of that, then by a sensible adult ie you.

I would tell him you saw it and discuss why this mustn't happen again and what he needs to take eg setting up a PIN to prevent it happening again.

I think at 13 they should be allowing you access to phones, facebook, instagram etc. they're far too young for unrestricted privacy. My DDs (13) have their phones confiscated if they change their pin and they aren't allowed to have any gadgets in bedrooms at night.

Your boy def needs a serious chat about all this, I'd be very cross to read that message on one of my girls phones, even though I'm not naive enough to think they don't talk like this with each other.

Such a difficult age, good luck.

It was probably his friends. talk to him about it.

Top banana - not really sure what the police might do?? And I do think it is naive to think that 'control is exerted' in all situations. I was not at his friends house at 5 o'clock in the morning when all of this went on.

Girl - I don't agree that 13 is a 'young child' and certainly don't think he should be without a mobile or social media - it is 2014 now, and like it or not, these things are here to stay. What I need to do is ensure he uses this technology wisely - i.e. not like he is at the moment!!

I realise I have put myself in a difficult situation because I do not want him to know that I read his phone so therefore it is difficult to broach.

His dad is def going to have a chat when he spends 3 days with him (just ds and his dad) next week, particularly about respect for girls and not to bloody well write anything down!

Thanks for everybody's comments btw

If I received a message like that I would be humiliated and embarrassed. It would play on my mind, I would worry about people looking up my skirt and discussing what they had seen. It is an absolutely objectionable message to send a young girl. In fact I would say that it appears to be worded in a very mature, deliberate way to be as destructive possible to her peace of mind and self-esteem. I would assume it was written by someone much older with issues around controlling women.

He's 12 I thought, that's a child IMO

Perhaps someone else composed the message.

Whilst I agree that children have to be able to negotiate the times they live in, this message is pretty terrible and if this was one of my sons, I would be having serious words with them, even if they feel that I'm invading their privacy.

I agree with MrsCakes that the girl that receives this could be really affected by this message, especially as it is so graphic. I can't even begin to imagine as a 12/13 year old girl, opening that message and having that whizzing around my head - it's a real violation.

I expect the police would warn him not to send stuff like that again or allow it to be sent from his phone. There was stuff this week in the news about teens ending up on the sex offenders' register for sexting nude photos, even of themselves, and I think the police are cracking down hard on this kind of sexual bullying, which is what it is. I agree it would be very traumatic potentially for a girl of that age to receive a message like that. And your son absolutely needs to be aware of that and ought to feel bad about it.

OP, I think you're doing all you need to do.

It's quite obvious that your DS did not send the message, so his only mistake is having daft friends and not putting a passcode on his phone.

The subsequent message to the same girl suggests he has explained that he didn't send the message and that she's now blocked the perpetrator.

You've also said that you're going to talk to your DS about respect and using technology responsibly, and continue monitoring his phone at least until you're satisfied that nothing like this could happen again.

I think talk of police involvement is over-reaction.

Thanks adeucalione