Teenagers calling step dad a c***. What would you do?

[Fragglewump]

My dss (14) has been angry for a long time. He lives with his dm and ds dad and visits us - me his ds mum and my dh - his dad. He has had a big row this week with his mum and dstepdad during which he lost control - told his stepdad how much he hated him and called him every name under the sun. Then turned on his mum. He's not been at home since as he has been staying with family/friends to let everyone cool down but is going back home tonight after some drop in anger management meeting. My question is what advice would you give. The plan is for all adults involved to get together and discuss. My parenting style is very different to his mums so that's why I wanted different perspectives. Thanks.

Sorry ds mum means I'm his step mum!

Really hoping someone will have some wisdom to help.

Seems he's incredibly angry and upset about something. Any ideas? At 14 I think you have to be gentle with him, really.

Does that mean you're going to be part of the discussion. If your take is very different than that of his mother, how much is putting your viewpoint going to help?

I'd take the line that if he's living with his mother and stepfather, they do need to set 'house rules' about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. He may need to explain and explore just what makes him so angry and for everyone to look at how frustrations can get tackled together so that there isn't an explosion of abusive language

His mum says he's been angry since she and his dad split up. He was 3 or 4 when that happened. He's been seeing the school counsellor too.

You mention the difference between the parenting style in the two homes. How would you characterise yours, and how would you characterise theirs?

My opinion probably won't be very helpful so I don't intend to give it. We try to get together when anything big comes up to show support and solidarity I suppose. I care about him and don't like seeing him angry as he's obviously hurting but his behaviour can be very painful to others. I went to an anger management course with his mum to gain strategies and insight.

I obviously don't know much about what actually goes on there but I would say that my dcs have clear boundaries and consequences if their behaviour is bad. This happens less so at his mums. My dh doesn't want to upset his ds or risk losing contact so is less strict with his ds than he is with my dcs. It's quite a tricky situation.

Probably useful if you can give your opinion here. I suppose I always felt my stepchildren could sense what I was thinking and feeling, even if I was quite careful about what I did and said. Family life at my house was different from family life at their mother's place.

It does sound tricky. Do his bio mum and DSD have children? Is DSS the only child of your DH and his ex?

His mum and step dad don't have children of their own but are about to get married (which I suspect may have triggered this latest episode). He's not an only child - he has a sister.

What sort of a job do you think your husband's ex's partner makes of stepfathering?

I don't really know. When we talk to him he sounds reasonable and quite switched on - seems to have more boundaries than dss mum. I do know that he and dss have been having lots of arguments lately though.

10 years is a long time to be having anger issues about your parents splitting up. I don't think its right he is treated differently from the other kids in both your relationships - he will have noticed this and no doubts acts on it. I also don't think its right you don't put your views forward as you are responsible for his care too. At 14 he should be able to understand his parents aren't going to get back together and that sometimes its best couples split up as together they can be unhappy and want different things.

There has been enough of a backstory for you and DSS mum to go on an anger skills course together, but you don't say much about it - it's hard to get a sense of the emotional landscape because there are several people in it. On the one hand, a 14 year old shouldn't be hurling profanity at their parents. On the other, a 14 year old who is sufficiently angry and hurt isn't necessarily going to respond well to more boundaries and punishment (re more - I don't mean that he should be allowed to do what he likes, and boundaries re the basics of acceptable behaviour and language should certainly remain).

Going back to your OP, what advice would I give? That you ask DSS if he could make his life different in some way, what would it be.

Thanks for your replies. I really don't know why he's so angry. He has had quite a lot of support to manage his anger but it obviously hasn't worked. I try to be supportive and offer my opinion but I'm well aware that the primary parenting should be done by his mum and dad. I bite my tongue because I can't help feeling that his mum should have tried enforcing boundaries earlier than 14 and I totally disagree with some of her judgements. After 8 and a half years I'm trying not to get too emotional about it.

rootypig thanks for your suggestion about asking that question by the way!

Also - I didn't mean I wasn't going to give my opinion here - just not in our little pow wow.

Just realised - maybe I should have put this in step parenting rather than teenagers?

If anyone else has any thoughts I'd be very appreciative.

Bumping for the evening traffic as I really need ideas!

I've nothing very helpful to suggest. But 14 is quite a difficult age for a lot of teenagers and different rules in different houses won't help. Could both households not set some basic rules one being no swearing, He has just fixated on his parents split up as the root of all his problems which isn't really logical but there wouldn't be much point in telling him that. It's difficult and hopefully things will improve in the future.

Hmm not sure how practical it is to agree the same ground rules when we fundamentally disagree. E.g his mums solution to him smoking was to buy him ecigs......I agree it would be ideal to all have the same rules but I wouldn't want a 12 year old watching 18 cert films etc. So in theory yes but not sure how we can actually do that as we are very different people.

Even at that age behaviour is partly reactionary. His anger and outbursts are a reaction to how he feels. He might not even understand what is making home angry.
If he's had anger issues for a while the mix of years of storing up anger and then mixed with hormones isn't great.
He really needs help - councelling or child psychology. A one off won't help him. It's not his anger he needs support with it's what's making him angry.
The discussions will be hard for you as you can't be fully involved.
But try to convince them he needs help as his issues could prevent him having successful relationships in the future.