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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

son refuses to speak or see me.

35 replies

Kittiecatt21 · 13/07/2014 15:13

Five years ago my now ex husband left me for another woman. I tried to keep it amicable for the sake of our two children, but my ex refused. The children would go and stay with him every other weekend and seemed happy enough. However, once he moved in with the woman, my 19 year old daughter decided she didn't want to visit any more, as she didn't like what my ex had done and didn't like the woman. When my daughter did visit, she would come home in tears as she felt like the odd-one out there and they would just sit in front of the tv all the time. Two years ago, my son, now 17, said he was going to stay with his father for a few days. He had never returned home. Neither he nor his father told me he wasn't coming home, I rang my son but he didn't reply and tested me that he was staying there. To this day, I don't know why. His father has been no help at all and is extremely unsupportive of the situation. I never receive birthday or Christmas cards, even though I always send my son a card and gift. I used to message him every couple of months, asking how he was, telling him news from home, and saying I loved him and would always be here for him. I never got a response but at least he didn't block me or tell me not to message him. In January this year, I messaged him and said I wouldn't contact him again because I didn't get a reply but I loved him and was here for him always. I think about him every day and wonder if I will ever see him again. Should I keep messaging him, not to put pressure on him, but just general chit-chat? I just don't know what to do. I would be so thankful of any advice.

OP posts:

smileyforest · 14/07/2014 21:32

Yes it helps when You know others are going through similar scenarios...x

CalamityClara · 15/07/2014 16:25

Will your ex not give you any explanation?

It's a very cruel thing to do to you. I wonder if your son is being manipulated into treating you this way.

Original poster

Kittiecatt21 · 18/07/2014 16:23

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and for your advice. It's nice to know that you care, and even though it's a horrible situation, at least I know I'm not the only one going through this. I will keep going unless he tells me to stop. Smileyforest, I understand what you're going through. Life is so cruel sometimes, especially when you've done nothing wrong. Take care, xxx

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SocialMediaAddict · 25/07/2014 18:38

My heart breaks for you. I would be tempted to wait outside his house and confront him head on.

Stay strong.

DieselSpillages · 27/07/2014 09:22

How very sad for you. I'm sure your messages mean a lot, are going in deep and he will come back to you.

My experience of teenage boys is that the ages 15 to 17 are the hardest. They crave autonomy and separation, maybe this is natures way. It has caused a lot of conflict in our house.

My Ds1 is now 18 and lovely to be with once again at times things were so bad I'd wished he had an estranged dad he could fuck off an live with He says now that even he didn't understand why he chose to behave as he did.

I really hope that once your Ds' has come through this difficult age he will realise how much he values you and things will get better between you.

Original poster

Kittiecatt21 · 29/07/2014 17:29

Thank you. I don't want to pressurise him into anything or be confrontational because I think it will make the situation worse. He is 18 in march and I am hoping he will either contact me or come home. At least I know he is reading the messages I'm sending him. Xx

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fluffyellowbird · 03/08/2014 12:00

Hi Kittiecatt21
What you are going through is very hard. Hugs to you.

From what I have heard, boys taking things out on and blaming their mother's for all kinds of stuff they are angry about is relatively common stance for kids that have problems they cannot cope with. I am sure that it is nothing you have done that deserves his reaction.

My son is now in his 20's and has problems with life. He has medicated himself through excessive gaming, TV, smartphone, internet surfing. He doesn't have a job. Rarely goes out. He has social anxiety. This all started when he left hime and started to game on his computer too much. He eventually dropped out of Uni and is now stuck in a very bad place.

You mention that your son plays XBox. If he does this to excess it could cause problems with his brain function. It could cause depression or he could do it to mask depression. Anyone one who tries to cut down game timeof someone with gaming compulsion will get a very bad reaction from the gamer. It may be he stayed with his Dad because he knows he will enable him to continue without control.

I have found a lot of support at Olganon dot org. It is a site for gaming addicts and the relatives/friends who are concerned about people with compulsive use of online games. But there is alot of stuff on their about how to cope when someone is affected by a bad situation that you have no control over. Read some of the mother's stories and you will be amazed at the problems they have had but also they have helped their kids get over it.

In your situation where you are removed it will be much harder, and it may be that all you can do is to try to detach from fixing him, but just stay in touch

You need to look after you. I would encourage you to get some counselling on this at least for yourself and your own piece of mind, and what is the most effective way to try to reach him without making matters worse

On another note, if you had custody of your son you would still have the right to make medical interventions before he turns 18. I would consult a GP about this.

Original poster

Kittiecatt21 · 05/08/2014 14:56

Thank you. I have no idea if he is still playing Xbox. I suspect he is pretty much left to his own devices when he gets home from school. I am having counselling but will never understand how things have got to this stage. It was our daughter's birthday at the weekend. She didn't receive anything at all from her father's family.

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Abilly72 · 07/08/2014 19:00

There is little you can do in this unfortunate situation...try to keep in touch especially birthdays but do not press for nor expect rational responses.All this is his choice and I think you have to let him get on with it.It is not guaranteed but in many such cases the child will restore some relationship with you - as long as he knows[without being told every day] that you are still there for him whatever,knows how to contact you.knows where you are then he always has the chance to change his present choice of separation

Original poster

Kittiecatt21 · 07/08/2014 20:24

Thank you. That's all I can do. I message every month or so just to say hope he's well & let him know anything of interest that's happened. Also letting him I love him and will always be here for him. I hope and pray that one day he will contact me.

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