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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Should I bring it up again?

34 replies

Charlie1010 · 07/07/2014 00:29

Ok so I'm not a parent but I thought since you guys all were you would be the best place for advice!

Basically I've been with my boyfriend 6 months. We're both 18. I have slept over at his house a few times and we share the same bed...which I'm almost 100% sure my mum knows about.

My parents have quite old fashioned views and when my boyfriend does stay is told to stay in the spare room. I understand this is a matter of respect to them. However I didn't realise this meant all the time and not just when they were in.

My family went on holiday a couple of months ago, leaving me behind as I didn't have the money to go with them..I was the house sitter so to speak. My mum asked if I wanted me boyfriend to stay with me for the week since I would be alone. I obviously agreed and he stayed. Everything was fine until they got back.

I was speaking to my mum about our dog who wouldn't leave my boyfriend alone and even slept with him. To which she replied did he (the dog) not sleep in your bed? (His normal sleeping place). I was a bit confused and didn't think anything of it and said 'well yeah'. Now I realise that she was under the impression me and my boyfriend had slept in different rooms while they were away. Which tbf I can understand as they didn't let us any other time -although as I say I did t realise the sleeping sepearte thing applied even when they are out of country!

On one hand I don't think she's so naive to think to we didn't share a bed at some point but on the other I think she felt she trusted me enough to bide by the normal rules because she didn't do that with my dad when they were young and still living with ther parents.

I feel really bad. I feel like i lied to her (unintentionally). I may be overthinking it, I'm not sure.

Do I bring it up again and explain the truth?
Or do I leave it?

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 11/07/2014 00:00

I don't think this is a matter of anyone being concerned with anyone else's privacy. I don't think the OP eels this is the crux of the matter.

I think it is a matter of a DD who wants her mother to understand and respect the fact that she feels she is now an adult and yet can't get the words out to say it or confront her mother to get her to allow herself and her BF to have sex in her home.

mathanxiety · 11/07/2014 00:01

feels not eels...

MostWicked · 11/07/2014 08:52

If she is lying to her mum and concealing what she and her bf do in her home alone then she is not really behaving like an adult.

Should she have to tell her mum when she started masturbating?

BackforGood · 11/07/2014 23:09

I agree with MostWicked and CathyandClaire (and I speak as a parent with an 18 yr old ds and we are going through the same situations).

mathanxiety · 11/07/2014 23:41

No -- this is something private in the truest sense.

But in the case of having sex with her boyfriend the mother has apparently had a discussion on the topic of having sex with the BF and has made it clear that she does not want it happening in her house. The OP decided this prohibition meant 'you can't have sex with your BF in this house unless my back is turned'. So by having sex at home with her BF she is deceiving her mother.

Again, whether the mother has a right to decide how the OP will conduct her relationship with her BF in her home is something the OP needs to take up with her mum. By doing what she knows her mum has stated her disapproval of, with no indication she has tried her hardest to talk her mum around, she is not exhibiting much maturity or respect either for herself or for her mum. If she and mum can't come to some sort of mutually respectful agreement on this then she needs to become financially independent and move out.

If she felt like throwing an orgy for all her friends while her parents were abroad on holiday and her mother had indicated this should not happen, would it have been ok to host an orgy? It's sex after all, and many people like swinging, orgies, etc as part of their sex lives. Surely that would be something private between her and whatever partners she invited to the orgy, and her mum should not stick her nose into anyone else's sex life?

I am not saying the mum is right/sensible, etc., to refuse to allow the OP to have whatever consensual relationship with the BF the OP wants to have (as long as they don't scare the horses..).

What I am pointing out here is that there has been a conversation on this topic. The OP knows what the mum has said and how she feels. Carrying on regardless is not mature.

mathanxiety · 11/07/2014 23:42

And therefore the answer to 'should I bring it up again?' is Yes.

And Plan B if the answer remains 'No way' should be 'move out'.

MostWicked · 12/07/2014 00:03

Throwing an orgy would involve inviting other people into the house, so no, that wouldn't be acceptable. If she wanted to go to an orgy in someone else's house, that would be her private business.

A parent should be grateful if their adult child, chooses to share things with them, but they should never expect it.
Just because my WANTS to know, it doesn't mean she has the right to know.

mathanxiety · 12/07/2014 00:11

Having sex with the BF involves inviting the BF into the house.

The OP knows her BF is not welcomed to the house to have sex. Presumably he is welcome to sleep over in a separate bed, or to socialise.

So if she is going to disregard her mum's wishes, and suddenly develops a taste for group sex, why stop at inviting just one person there to have sex with, why not invite ten, twenty, etc? It's all behind the mum's back and in flagrant disregard for her wishes.

(Assuming the mum would say no to an orgy)..

adeucalione · 12/07/2014 07:20

OP, I really can't believe that your mum - or any mum - would suggest that her 18yo DD's bf move in for the duration of a holiday and not realise that they would be sharing a bed.

Maybe your comment about the dog confused her for some other reason. Maybe she hoped her disingenuous comment would elicit a conversation about your relationship. Maybe she was joking. Maybe she wants to keep up the facade that she is not condoning your sex life. Who knows. But there is no way that anyone is that naive and - if she is - I would let her stay in her bubble for her own peace of mind.

You obviously respect her wishes by not having sex when she's in the house and I actually think that's as much as any parent can ask of their adult child, when it comes to normal adult behaviours.

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