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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

ds refusing to come on family holiday.

42 replies

DieselSpillages · 26/06/2014 11:57

Ds 15 is flatly refusing to come on a family holiday which has been planned, paid for and involves travelling abroad and going to a family wedding.

He says that if we make him go he will run away. He has done this before and I do believe he's capable of doing it again.

Obviously he can't be allowed sabotage our holiday like this. There's no option to leave him behind. I have listened to him and suggested things that might make it more pleasant for him but he's just refusing.

His girlfriend just attempted suicide which was very traumatic for him so I don't want to go in hard as he's in quite a vulnerable place..
I'm at a loss to know what to do.. he will not reason or show any flexibility.

We are not leaving for a couple of weeks but I could do with some advice as I really don't know what to do so this ends well.

OP posts:

specialsubject · 27/06/2014 18:46

no advice but how fortunate he is that he has parents who will take kicks in the teeth and not kick back.

I hope he comes to his senses soon.

chocoluvva · 27/06/2014 19:12

What a difficult situation. Your DS is probably confused about his GF. He will probably want to defend her actions in front of you but he must be wondering why she'd OD if she 'loves' him....

I think you're right that time with his friends will help him. It'll be just what he needs. I hope the situation resolves itself very soon.

Helpys · 28/06/2014 09:11

Hugs.
You're doing incredibly well. I think it boils down to-
•one parent stays
•she comes
•he feels he can come- either by her saying she'll be ok or him realising he's not responsible for her.

saffronwblue · 28/06/2014 09:25

Your poor ds. I have a 15 year old as well and they are so black and white at that age. He should not be allowed to ruin the family holiday or wedding but he is dealing with terrible adult stuff. I am a bit of a softie but I would be inclined to find a way for a parent to stay home with him- or maybe for him to fly out just for the wedding weekend. If he thinks you are listing to and respecting him he is more likely to respond and come to you when the shit hits the fan again with the GF. You don't want him to feel isolated and misunderstood at this point. How utterly ghastly for everyone.

OorWullie · 28/06/2014 09:26

Could he have access to skype etc whilst he is over there? It could reassure him a bit that he'd be able to see/speak to her every day?

If you are ok with him staying with friends, could he return early on his own? That way you are not leaving him for the full 9 days.

I think he is lucky to have such understanding parents. He must be feeling torn in two at the minute and you sound like you are doing a good job of trying to understand. He may not be acting like it just now but I'm sure you are helping by trying to find a solution rather than just shouting the odds.

Original poster

DieselSpillages · 28/06/2014 10:00

I've looked into him joining us just for the wedding ..the train is 300 pounds and he's too young to fly alone.

He's being so unbeleivably horrible , hates us all and doesn't give a fuck about any of us as we clearly don't give a toss about him and he just wants to leave .

I feel totally fried and am having to prepare for a kids birthday party for DD and her 16 friends this afternoon!

I really appreciate all your kind words. I don't want to be a push over to a badly behaved boy or teach him it's ok to treat people this way , but I'm so scared he'll just go off and do something self destructive.

I'm having to play nice and hold back the rest of the family who are all getting seriously annoyed with him.

OP posts:

Chumhum · 28/06/2014 10:06

He not too young to fly alone, most airlines allow it and my dd's have both done it to the gps at that age.

Chumhum · 28/06/2014 10:07

Sorry it's allowed from age 12.

lljkk · 28/06/2014 10:10

Get a babysitter lined up (okay, a reasonable adult to "house sit") while you're away & keep talking about all the things in his life that make him unhappy. My parents left me like that for 3 weeks when I was 15 & I was delighted!!

I have a 14yo DS who I thought would be too horrid to take on a family holiday, I did plan for a refusal just before our last trip, even told him he'd have to pay for the lost airfare, etc. My prediction is your DS will come around but I know he may not, boy do I sympathise.

SwedishSheepHerder · 28/06/2014 10:13

Are social services involved with the gf?

SwedishSheepHerder · 28/06/2014 10:18

Are there consequences to him being horrible to you or are you all walking on eggshells round him?

15yos love a power trip.

FGS don't teach him that abusive behaviour works.

gamerchick · 28/06/2014 10:48

Yo are dishing out punishment for his behaviour holiday aside though aren't you? Taking it on the chin won't work he'll just get worse.

Tell him he's no longer invited and you're making other arrangements. Don't discuss the with him at all and carry on as normal.

From the sounds of it his behaviour is going to dominate your lives for a while.. you'll need to learn coping strategies so you can live your life. I doubt you'll have a good time at any wedding if he's behaving like this anyway, you'll be to stressed.

If you Can't Or won't make any other arrangements then you'll have to stay behind but don't tell him that until the day.

hamptoncourt · 30/06/2014 10:29

I had this with DD. I told her she either came with us or I would change the locks just before leaving and she would have to make alternative arrangements.

Stop trying to fix it for him. If you make it his problem rather than yours he will probably magically find a solution. DD did - she magically found a friend she could stay with after all.

I hope you have a lovely holiday and don't let him ruin it for you.

Helpys · 30/06/2014 10:47

Thinking of you diesel, how's it going?

JennyC · 30/06/2014 13:42

Ok, hold your nose for this one, but is it a possibility to invite his gf to come along? Odds are her mum won't allow it, but you can then say you've done everything you can think of to make the experience more enjoyable for him. I hate the way we can be held hostage so easily. It never would have occurred to me to refuse to go on holiday with my parents, or refuse to go to school, or anything else. I really can't imagine it! Good luck.

ephpa95 · 30/06/2014 17:10

DieselSpillages - I think your son urgently needs counselling after this traumatic experience. If you speak to your GP you should be able to arrange for that and for some counselling as a family as well as all this is doing something terrible to all of you. Has he come up with a plan what he intends to do as an alternative to your family holiday? Can he understand that you are all concerned for his well-being and he needs to be safe? Can all of you write a letter to him explaining how much he means to you and how important it is to you that he is together with you for a holiday? That a rest will be good for him and he will be a better support for his GF if her recharges his batteries? Can his GF's parents set his mind at rest that she is safe while he goes on a holiday and this is not disloyal to do?

Helpys · 03/07/2014 08:52

Any news diesel?
Thinking of you all

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