My daughter

[littlegreenlight1]

I just want to put it all out, see if it helps.
DD 16 is well, I dont know anymore. One part of me thinks "compared to others her age she's an angel" and the other part thinks "I am going to explode if I hear one more line from her".
Background.
Only daughter, I have two younger sons. Split from dad when she was 8 so over half her life with just me (she sees him on and off).
Academic, popular, "normal", moody, funny - yknow just a teen.
Smokes - as do I which sounds so scummy I know, Ill try and justify by saying Im a casual one, only at the weekend occasionally with a glass of wine etc, I know its not right, its not a good example and I dont have a leg to stand on but she is like a chimney day and night.
Boyfriend - started having sex 6 months in to their relationship, shes on the pill and using condoms but just the very thought upsets me - just cos shes my little girl.
My parents live abroad but my brother (29) lives in their (huge) house a few miles from ours. She works really close to theirs so stays there occasionally but now she has finished school she has really ramped it up. Ill go round there and the garden will be full of teenagers which I think is really out of order but DB just shrugs. She is living a party life (by which I mean no parents, not drink/drugs) with no thought that it is someone elses house. Parents and brother refuse to say no to her. I have had serious words about the state she leaves it in, but that worked and now she keeps it spotless. If I say she cant stay there she kicks off about work (she would have to walk 75 mins from our house/10 from theirs) adn I cant take her due to my work.
When she is home there are tissues and cups and glasses and food and knickers and crap everywhere. No matter how many times I ask/tell/scream for her to clean up she can not process it. Her room is a bomb site but I dont even get involved.
She can be rude to the point of upsetting me but she can be adorable. She thinks she is a lot older than she is.
Her dad is a twat who thinks she is 7 - oh and this is lovely, she wont smoke in front of him because she respects him too much!!!!

Does this sound horrendous? Cos some days I can not cope with her. She is not really much fun to be around unless she is getting something out of it.

I don't think "this sound[s] horrendous". But it does sound very irritating.

Take heart, IME they start becoming much nicer around the age of 17. The brain rewiring gets to the stage where it allows them to use their frontal lobe more so they begin to be less self-absorbed and more able to think about the likely consequences of their actions.

Smoking is very common at this age. (Loads of my DD's 'nice, middle-class' friends smoke.) I don't know how you get them to quit - it's so addictive. You could agree to both giving up smoking together, but she'd have to be up for that obviously.

My 17.5YO DD's room is also a bomb site. She tidies it up a bit when her BF is coming over though - we let him stay over.

Your parents and DB are a problem. I don't know what you can do about it. It's easy for them to be laid back when they're not around your DD all the time... And you will seem uptight in comparison. However your DD will underneath it all appreciate your obvious love for her. Hopefully your DB will get fed up of having loads of teens around the place.

You say she's academic, popular, doesn't drink/do drugs and has a job. She is sensibly using very secure contraception. So she's doing very well really. Is it too much to ask that she is polite and considerate to you at this stage? I don't know. It depends on the degree. Ignore mutterings and eye-rolling and try to calmly let her experience the natural consequences of being slobbish round the house. Eg, don't give her a lift when she asks if you don't feel kindly towards her as a result of all the crap and explain briskly that you're not going to do her a favour because her behaviour is a pain.

Does she do her own laundry? Would that be practical?

No doubt you'll get posts advising that if she's old enough to have sex etc she's old enough to look after herself and act in a considerate, adult way. People will tell you to chuck all her stuff in bin bags and do nothing for her. I think 16YOs do need a lot of slack cut for them still. They look adult, but they aren't. It's finding a balance isn't it....?

Make sure you do something fun for yourself and try to forget about her annoying behaviour.

Yeah I've tried the giving up smoking together idea, not a chance, it's something she won't budge on. I really worry about her level of addiction, I barely smoke, had 2 on Sat, none since, she's probably had 30 in that time.

I'm in no way going to pack her bags! I just need to get a bit more of a rein on her, I do think it's a valid point though, if she's old enough to be doing one thing, she should behave her age in other ways.

She's very selfish, but I don't think that's wildly unusual.
She's babysitting her little brother on Friday night and I'm taking her out for a meal on Saturday so we will see a lot of each other this weekend, hopefully Saturday eve will mend some bridges cos we hardly talk these days.....