Failed university

[banshee1]

I find myself once more absolutely at my wits end with my 20 year old (I know not a teenager but not sure where else to post!).

She has returned from university in several thousand pounds of debts which she claims she knows nothing about as she didn't know she had an automatic overdraft, I've just had to pay off another £500 of debts and she has completely failed the 2nd year of her foundation degree - she doesn't even know what if anything has been passed and she didn't complete all the work - but she kept taking the £400 a month + for accommodation + lots of extras, she's been spending over £50 a month on a bloody mobile phone - so I've funded a sodding gap year for her. My husband and I word hard for our money and I'm gutted she has so little respect for us.

I'm so angry - she came home yesterday and I can't eat or sleep - the whole sorry mess came out last night and not once, not bloody once did she say sorry. So my husband's taken today off to take her to the doctor's so get some anti-depressants as she's feeling sad !!! and moved savings given to her by her grandparents to pay off debts.

This is causing HUGE problems between my husband and I - we have a very stable marriage but he favours a much softer approach - I appreciate it's difficult when she's 20 but I am ashamed and so very very angry at her behaviour - she has no work ethic, didn't do a pick of paid or voluntary work while away and has put on stones of weight - she is morbidly obese - I can't bare to look at her and I don't want to go home this evening.

To top it all her friend told me her boyfriend takes drugs so I'm worried about leaving her in the house alone - I don't want him in my home - this shit has been going on for 2 years and I've had as much as I can take - I work 50+ hours a week, am studying part time and am struggling to manage my diabetes which is affected by stress - any advice would really be very much appreciated - thanks

Ouch. Sorry OP.

Some young people are just not suited to university, it just takes them a long time to realise.

I think that now she should be completely left to make her own decisions. Don't push her one way or another. And make it clear that you will not be bailing her out.

If she stays in your house it is on your terms - if she claims jobseekers then she pays a portion of it to you for board, same if she gets a job.

Don't stress about the long term - plenty of people fuck up at this age and go on to have very successful lives / careers. But they've got to get there on their own.

Time to tell her she is an adult now - and to sort out her own mess. If she stays with you then she pays he way (rent, food etc), otherwise she moves out.

OP, I think you might need to accept your DD is depressed - she's clearly had a miserable year (failing's never fun), she's put on loads of weight (and this might well be a symptom of her depression) which would make anyone feel lousy....

Even the wasting money might be a result of depression (although of course she might simply be very bad with cash).

If you can see your DD as needing you, rather than having let you down, you'll be happier. And more importantly, you'll be a better mother to your DD - who really needs supportive parents at the moment.

Thanks you for this advice - I think I need to try to steer a midway between offering support and making it clear that her behaviour has consequences for her and the rest of the family - feeling slightly calmer and might even manage a conversation by the end of the week - thank you again

If she is saying she is depressed , I think it is the right thing to take this seriously and take her to the GP. When they leave for uni, its more much difficult know how they are feeling and monitor when things go wrong - Uni dont ring and tell you they are not attending lectures so problems can spiral and they miss too much. She had presumably committed to the course/accommodation all year. The second year is a real test and many students find it hard. Try to separate the finances , from what might be underlying problems. I think she probably knows she has let herself down, and has to make decisions about her future. I think they do need our support at this age emotionally very much still, but in practical terms calmly and clearly set out what you can and cant do re finances etc. best of luck.