Controlling boyfriend, feeling hopeless.

[06097196]

I know this isn't really the right forum to talk about it but I don't know where else to go.
I'm a teenager and have a controlling boyfriend, a least I think he is. I'm not sure if I'm being a baby, if all relationships are like this, so maybe someone can offer some advice. I've been with him on and off (although predominantly off) for 3 years and i am very much in love with him.

On the most part he's very nice, endlessly helpful, clean, gorgeous, kind, funny, gets on well with my parents/friends/everyone in fact! But he has TERRIBLE trust issues, though he doesn't call them that. He says he's just being careing and that he's not like any of my past boyfriends.
It started off fine but a few months in he showed strange signs, like being cross for a man for being in a photo with me, not liking ANY of my clothes (and I know that they weren't at all in appropriate) and stopping me from wearing them and making me feel awful if I did. He has a younger, gay, brother and he had a massive go at me for complimenting his new dungarees accompanied with the comment "just pick a fucking brother" and told me not to be nice to him any more.
He nearly broke up with me because I commented on how muscly (A body builder!!!!!) was in a film and then had a go at me for arguin back.
The final straw has been him telling me to delete Instagram and twitter, purely because he doesn't understand the concept (he doesn't understand that me putting a picture of myself on the internet isn't me to impress other boys) I don't really care about social networks but I don't like being told what to do.
I really just needed to vent to someone not involved so any comments/advice would he lovely. I'm feeling so low and deflated at the moment. I want to spend my life with this boy (don't scoff) but I can't go on like this.

hi -sounds like he has jealousy issues which are probably related to his own insecurities. over time this kind of control is likely to make you miserable and unhappy and may affect your own self esteem. at its worst these kind of problems can lead to aggressive behaviour. its not a happy situation for your boyfriend either but its difficult to have a good ongoing relationship if he continues to have trust issues. no-on should tell you what to do .if he cant change and you want to keep going with the relationship please remember this and make sure he doesnt try to cut off any support/friends/family that you have around.

Bless you reading all or most of my rant!
I don't think he could ever be aggressive (gosh don't I sound naive)
I could also be pregnant, would bringing a baby into our world ruin our relationship completely or make us a closer unit? I don't know anymore :(

Hey,

Bringing a baby into this scenario isn't the greatest - you need to do a test. You have said yourself in the title that he is controlling. Even if he is not aggressive (yet) his controlling nature won't just "get better".

You may love him... I loved a couple of my exs, but I've learnt the hard way that you can't fix people, so don't try. Plus you can still love someone and know that being in a relationship with them isn't the best idea; spending your life with someone who doesn't let you have a life won't go well in the long run.

I think you need to think about an exit plan to be honest. You don't say how old you are - you could be anywhere between 13 and 19, and my advice would be different depending on how old you are.

Ask yourself what life would be like if you didn't have him in it - what are you missing out on, what doesn't he let you do. Then ask yourself what life would be like if this gets worse -if he is more controlling and cuts you off from friends and family, and/or gets violent/aggressive?

Then think about which life you want.

Good luck.

Dump him. It's not going to get any better.

Thank you for being honest, I'm nearly 19 x

No, no, it's not normal. This is the kind of relationship that is often discussed on here and that women are encouraged to get out of. Controlling you like this means he doesn't respect you as an individual or your feelings or preferences.

He has absolutely no right to tell you to delete your social media, who to speak to or what to wear. These are often seen as signs of an abusive relationship. And remember that almost all abusive men are described as lovely and charming too. Being nice and friendly doesn't mean he is a good partner. And having a boyfriend should not involve being told what to do. As a woman you are his equal and you need a man who sees that. Please stay on MN and read more relationship threads and you will get a picture of this kind of man.

You are 18/19, I don't want to patronise you but many of us can probably remember feeling that way at your age - that we were in love with our boyfriend at the time and wanted to be with him forever. But things can change a lot and very few of us are with that same partner, often for good reasons.

Also, whatever happens pregnancy-wise, don't let a baby trap you into being with this man. it doesn't have to. You are a free person and you don't have to spend your life being controlled.

In your title you say he's controlling. You know that's true and you know that that is a bad thing. A boyfriend can be kind, funny, considerate etc without being controlling.

At your age, I had a boyfriend very much as you describe - I ended up dropping out of university largely because of him.

Everything he did was for my own good and to protect me, because I was too naive and trusting (according to him). By the time we split up (very much his doing - I was too much of a limp rag to do anything so assertive by that stage) I had maybe half a dozen friends I could turn to. That relationship is by far the biggest regret I have in my life. Everything since then, with all the ups and downs, tragedies and traumas, has been so much better, because for better or worse, I am my own woman.

You ask if all relationships are like this - no! Don't settle for this! You have loved this guy and that's hard to turn away from, but please, please, know that if you are so unhappy now, it is not going to get better with him.

Even if you are pregnant, you do not need to stay with this guy. If it's this bad now, adding a baby is not going to make it all magically ok.

Do you have family/friends who you can talk to? You need some real life support from the people who care about you.

These decisions are so hard to take, but there are many people here and probably people you know in real life who will want to help you through this - asking is the biggest step.

You're absolutely right to be concerned. The issues you mention are definite "red flags" in a relationship and are a sign that you should end it. With some variations (because this was 20+ years ago) you could have been describing a relationship I had at the same age. Thank Christ I didn't stay with him, but I made some very bad choices because of him that have had lasting effects on my life. I wish MN had been around in those days, and you are absolutely in the right place. Please stay, and have a good read of the Relationships threads, many of which describe the same sort of behaviour.

One thing which stands out for me is that he is trying to control your actions towards other men who are not a real threat to your relationship. This is hardly a case of you sexily dancing with another man in front of him, is it? (Although in fact you're perfectly entitled to do so!) He was jealous of a man in a photograph, an actor in a film, and a gay man. He has no reason to fear for your relationship because of any of these guys - therefore his reaction is fully directed at YOU, wanting to control YOU. He wants to be right inside your head, making you think twice about every word you say, every thought you express. Narrowing down your social circle - how dare he tell you to delete your social media accounts? He can tell you NOTHING.

Even if you're pregnant and decided to have a baby, you still need to end the relationship.

BTW, asking if this is normal in a relationship - no, it absolutely is not.

Thank you so much, it really has given me some food for thought, I really needed people to not sugar coat it for me. I'll let you know what I decide to do x

Best wishes, OP.

You get rid of him sharpish and do not maintain any form of contact with him before he ruins your life. Seriously. It will only get worse.

At 18 years old there is so much life ahead of you, so much love and so much fun. This relationship sounds very limiting and in the long run you will find that you spend less time being happy, more time being unhappy, and more time struggling and failing to regain whatever happiness it once brought you.

Lets say you have three choices:

If you were to split up with him today it will be hard. It will hurt. Gradually it will hurt less. In time you will meet someone truly special who allows you to be who you are, and you will wonder what on earth you saw in this man.

If you keep seeing him, in a month or 6 months or a year you will realise that you can no longer go on with this relationship. And you will split up with him. it will be hard. It will hurt. Gradually it will hurt less. In time you will meet someone truly special who allows you to be who you are, and you will wonder what on earth you saw in this man.

You keep seeing him and and he carries on as he is, restricting your freedom and forcing you to be different from who you are. One day you will be 50 years old and still with this man. Still unhappy, still hoping things will get better and you will no longer have all your life ahead of you but most of it behind you spent being miserable.

Which of these scenarios is more appealing?

Firstly, bringing a baby into a situation like this isn't ideal if I'm honest & I certainly doubt it'l ''bring you closer''. That said, I'm sure, if you are pregnant, this baby will be loved, wanted & well looked after - but I don't think it will help his trust issues or change any issues that he has. The stress / change / lack of sleep will probably only highlight any problems. Regardless, you need to do a test so you know where you stand on that front.

I really feel for you being in a situation like this so young. As hard as it may seem, you need to get out of this relationship while you can & while you still have all your future ahead of you. I'm presuming your boyfriend is of a similar age to yourself? If so, I can only see his attitude & behaviour getting worse.

((That advert that was on TV a while ago with that young girl who's watching herself through the window while her boyfriend taunts her & smashes her mobile phone stands out to me when I read this))

Morning 060, I just read your op.

Please can I suggest you re post your original post in the relationships section, clearly stating that you are a teenager. The ladies have lots of fantastic advice for people in relationships with problems.

The relationship is not right. Does your school cover relationships in pshe? He is trying to get you to stop behaving in ways that don't suit him. Eventually you will find you modify your behaviour around him so he isn't angry or upset, then he has exactly what he wants, you pandering to him and doing as you are told. Having a go at you for arguing back demonstrates that he feels he is more important than you and you should just shut up as your thoughts and feelings are invalid.

Relationships are meant to bring out the best in people. You want the other person to enjoy life to the full. You encourage them to do this.

You may find that at the moment only 5% of the time it's bad. However the controlling part of him may well grow. Possibly Eventually 5% will be good and 95% bad.

Having a baby may make this situation worse. It is well known that such behaviour gets worse when a woman is pregnant. Also you will find it stops you having as much freedom but he can carry on going out and doing everything he wants to.

Please repost on relationships, but do tell them how old you are so they can tailor their response understanding that you have less relationship experience than them.

Ps when I was 17 I thought I was going to be with my boyfriend forever. I too had a child but in my early 20's. His behaviour became more vile and I was attacked whilst pregnant and after baby was born. I completed my degree and got a professional job. He still attacked me. In my late 20's I finally broke up with him. I am now married to the kindest, best, most amazing man ever. He wants me to be happy, be that chatting to others, or using the internet, in my career or whatever. It is very important to him that I am happy. If I had stayed with my old boyfriend my life wouldn't be as good as it is now.

Good luck op, go repost!

Your boyfriend is an abuser.

Call Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247.
They have a programme for women who are involved with abusers, called the Freedom Programme that you need to do.

Women's Aid will help you sort out pregnancy issues too.

You need to start weaning yourself off this man (teen?).
He will eventually destroy you. This may sound too shocking to be true right now, and you obviously see some good in him, but once he has you completely bound to him by way of a baby, the controlling behaviour he is now using merely to condition you will be increased so that he feels he has complete control. That feeling of having complete control is of course elusive because you have a brain and feelings, but he will give it everything he has, and you will end up feeling you are being destroyed, because that is what he will end up doing to you.

He is controlling you because this is who he is and how he behaves in relationships. Nothing you do has caused him to be this way. He is hard-wired to control and abuse. Nothing you do will stop him, and nothing - especially not a baby - will change him for the better. A baby will in fact make him worse because he will have got you where he wants you once you have the responsibility of caring for one. Once he has you trapped he will seek more creative ways of humiliating you and making you obey him, and punishing you. The abuse will in all likelihood escalate to physical abuse.

I say 'escalate' but in fact the current emotional and psychological abuse will have a deeper and more long lasting effect on you than a punch, though being hit has a horrible emotional and psychological effect too.

He will also feel trapped if you bring a baby into this, and any time he feels sorry for himself because he has to spend 'his' money on something for the baby or give up 'his' time to take care of the baby he will blame you for foisting the baby onto his life. The baby's presence and normal demands and crying are likely to make him feel very sorry for himself for loss of his freedom, and angry on top of that.

He is also likely to be insanely jealous of the baby, just as he is unreasonably and irrationally and persistently jealous of you. This is because there will be a lot of times when you will have to devote your full attention to the baby and he will be jealous of that. You will also be tired. He will resent that and will resent the existence of the baby. A baby born to a man who is already showing signs of abusive jealousy is a baby who is in danger of being injured or even killed by his or her own father.

My advice -
Call Women's Aid and start getting free from this man.
Do not have a baby with him.

You can report your own first post and type in the request to move the whole thread to Relationships in the box in the 'report' screen that will open up.

When I was 16, I got together with a man very similar to what you describe. Over time, his control got to the point where I was isolated with no friends, only saw my family when he saw fit and was punched, kicked, dragged around by my hair, raped and accused of sleeping with every man I dared speak to or who looked at me. I only went out to go to work. He also tried to get me pregnant, and I thank Mother Nature so much for not letting that happen. It took me until I was nearly 21 to escape from him and many years after that to sort my head out. I never thought he'd physically hurt me either. Just keep that in mind.

If my daughter had written this, I'd do everything in my power to help her stay away from this man.

He's controlling you. It will escalate. Don't let yourself be tied down to him, he is abusive.

Trust your instincts - you are right.

Do a pregnancy test and go from there, but his behaviour is not normal and not acceptable.

Good luck.x

Red flags in relationships - have a read of this and see if you recognise your relationship.