Any effective sanctions for a 16yr old DD?

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Our 16yr old is playing the 'I'm 16, I can do what I want' card very well at the moment.

Every time she agrees to do something she seemingly goes out of her way to not do it. Home time at night seems the hardest thing for her to manage.

She doesn't come home from school, doesn't eat dinner with us. just crawls home whenever she fancies. Because 'she's more grown up than we think' and 'she hates living with us, we're always on to her about soemthing'. Err, no we're not. Unless you count 'please tidy your room' or 'get up' as badgering?

Everything ends up in a fight with her mum. The next day she'll often say she doesn't know why she does it and can't stop herelf. That'll be the grown up bit then!!

Won't go into too much background, just looking for ideas to make her realise how difficult she makes life, and how stressed out her mum is worrying about her all the time.

We could make her life 'difficult', no cash for going out, no lifts anywhere, no phone etc but that's not going to make her want to be at home or even feel more inclined to get some sleep.

If she showed any rsponsibility for anything we could flex the rules a little, but they're hardly draconian. And as I've said, any reasonable discussion and agreement with her goes up in flames at the first test.

Any suggestions?

I would go for the making life difficult route. If she is so grown up then she can earn her own spending money, get herself about under her own steam and pay for her own phone.

Ah. 16. What a horrible stage.

I wouldn't ask her to tidy her room. And it would be worth considering letting her suffer the consequences of not getting herself up in the mornings.

I would be openly very positive about her wanting to be more independent. She will hopefully get the message that you do want her to grow up and you're happy that she has a thriving social life etc and she won't feel the need to push the limits of staying out late to rebel against you.

Ideally you want her to discover for herself what the consequences of being keeping late hours/having a messy room/etc are. Within reason obviously. And I know it's easier said than done.

On the other hand I would point out to her that adults let each other know if they're not going to be in for dinner or are going to be late etc. That is considerate for the people you share your home with. Eg, do you have a partner - do they ring/text if they're going to be late home from work? You could point that out to her.

Try not to let her know that her behaviour is making you stressed. If you can manage to just say quietly and calmly that there isn't anything for her dinner (or whatever) because it spoiled after being on the cooker for two hours after dinner time, you will have more effect on her. Try to just point out the consequences of individual behaviour as briefly as possible without criticising her. Instead of asking her to tidy her room, let her discover for herself that the result of leaving her clothes on the floor is no clean clothes. Then just tell her when she asks that her clothes haven't been watched because you didn't see them in the laundry basket so didn't know they were needing washing IYSWIM? Avoid criticising her for being messy though.

Also say nice things to her whenever possible so she feels loved.

And encourage her to do her own laundry etc so that she can practice for when she leaves home. Tell her it's great that she's a young adult now and can take responsibility for her laundry etc.

When she is in a 'good' phase, sit down and talk to her like an adult. Agree with her a way forward, including household rules and sanctions for breaking them. You can 'flex' a bit if she treats you with respect. If she doesn't do what she has agreed, then stick to the sanctions.

I agree with chocco about letting her discover the consequences of her actions about tidying, sleeping, etc.

Also, hard as it is, don't fight with her. If she is being disrespectful, just walk away. Then follow through with whatever sanction has been agreed for that behaviour.

In my house if the washing isn't in the basket it doesn't get done. And if you need a certain item washed for a certain date they need to tell me (I am not a mind reader and it isn't always possible to be up to date of the washing).

If you are not home when dinner is being dished up it is put on a plate for microwaving later (and some things are not nice heated up so best to be home on time).

My DD (19) is vegetarian so if she doesn't tell me she is home for dinner she gets nothing.

I expect to know where my DS (15) is and what time he is coming home. If he is out on his bike there is no negotiation on time as he has to be home before it's dark. My DD has to let us know if she is going to be later than 10:30 - my view is if we have no idea about what time then at point do we panic if she is not home.

Given up on the mess although do have a rant every so often.

It will be helpful to hear what rules people have so you can see that what you are asking is not unreasonable. I would agree on waiting for her to be in a good mood and have a chat. Sanctions needs to be enforceable so there is no point in grounding her if she is just going to go off straight from school but refusing to give lifts and money may have an effect

'Good phase'.....

Not really any of them.

She gets up grumpy, has a go at her brother and sister for their hair/clothes/breathing and then expects a lift to school.

Laundry - she has her own laundry basket, but she has the usual 'floordrobe' where she keeps her clothes, clean and dirty, wet towels, part eaten sandwiches and cakes, food wrappers etc. On the odd occasion she decides to tidy, EVERYTHING is dumped in the family laundry basket.

I've heard of parents just sweeping everything up off the floor into a bin bag and leaving her to sort it out. I quite like that, though she'd probably have a fit that I'd 'messed all her stuff up'.

Food - I am fed up of throwing good food away. She'll happily help herself to food at her b/f's house instead of dinner at ours, and/or come in and deliberately ignore whatever has been left and make herself something else.

I am more concerned that this change in behaviour has come about at the same time new b/f appeared on the scene. There are things about their relationship I'm not comfortable with which may also be driving her behaviour towards an obssessive need to be fitting in with whatever b/f wants.

But the whole 'school rules' on who can talk to who, when, and the 'trophy girlfriend' nature of the relationship at that age which seems to be accepted by the girls alarms me. That's another thing though.

You said in your OP The next day she'll often say she doesn't know why she does it and can't stop herself. That's what I was refering to when I said good phase. She seems to have some insight into her behaviour sometimes.

No that's usually when she's used up all her "It's all your fault because you did..." excuses and has nothing to fall back on.

She will happily create an alternative reality where she did te right thing to justify what she has done, and as long as she can do that then she has no remorse, no need to apologise.

I second the 'making life difficult' plan.

At the moment she thinks she can do as she pleases because there's nothing you can do to stop her, and there are no uncomfortable consequences for behaving that way, so it is time to show her just how much she depends on you for almost every aspect of her comfortable existence.

So if she doesn't come straight home from school, or tell you what time she will be home, you cancel her phone contract.

And if she doesn't speak to other members of the family civilly, you refuse the next time she asks for a lift.

And if she doesn't keep her room tolerably tidy, she doesn't get any cash next time her allowance is due.

You could really have a lot of fun with this if you can stay calm in the face of teen fury. She just needs training.

You don't get your DC to enjoy your company by being a mug.

Hmmm. I wouldn't cancel her phone contract. It would be more difficult for her to tell you where she is without one. Seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I've done the refusing lifts though. It didn't improve behaviour in general but it did get the message that people will usually only do kind things for you if you can manage not to be rude to them; a natural consequence of poor behaviour rather than a 'punishment'. Your DD will see punishment as you trying to control her and will probably rebel even more. But if you just say calmly and briskly that you don't feel like being kind to her this evening/at the moment/whatever because she has been unpleasant you're not punishing her as such or getting into an argument. And she will see that you're not a mug.

If you keep going over the same ground tell her you've discussed it with her before and you're not going to argue with her again. Walk away if need be. Don't escalate the drama.

I wouldn't withhold cash for a messy room either. It won't teach her anything. She'll suffer the consequences if she doesn't have clean clothes/can't find things etc.

I'd be inviting the BF round for dinner and be very welcoming to him. He might lose some of his appeal if she sees him making polite conversation round your dinner table. And you will be able to get to know him a bit.

Leaving a teen girl to get disgusted with the state of her room is not a strategy I would recommend unless you are perfectly content to have mountains of half empty drinks cans, mould growing in plastic bags and blood-stained knickers from her period that she couldn't be bothered washing and had lain around for at least a couple of months.

Yes, I caved in. I could not stand having all this disgusting stuff just festering away and had to attack the room armed with black plastic bags and bleach. the total squalor did not bother teen in the slightest and she probably would have gone on like that for several more months.

Along with this we had a refusal to clean the toilet after an "explosion", because obviously it wasn't up to her to scrub away the shit stains.

However, my friend tried the same tactic and when she (eventually) went to change th bed she found beasties had taken up residence there!!!

So, only stop nagging her to tidy her room if you put up with unprecedented levels of filth. Never underestimate just how minging a teen can be.

You do not have to put up with this. If she wants independence, that's great and I hope she's got a good job to pay all her bills and finds a nice flat. But if she is living at home then there are basic standards of hygiene and consideration to others that she has to comply with.

KatieKaye When you put it like that it does sound like a risky strategy!

However, the BF probably won't be around for all that long and your DD will probably start to grow out of this phase in a year or so. I agree with the other posters who say you shouldn't put up with her behaviour, but heavy sanctions probably won't work, will make her BF and his 'relaxed' home even more appealing and she won't learn anything. At this stage of her brain development, things like withholding cash might just make her want to be all the more rebellious and give her the impression that you are controlling.

Most teenagers are inconsiderate and messy.

But I do sympathise.

How old is the BF and why is she round there more than having him round to yours?

This thread is reassuring! YY to horrible bedrooms and the feelings of rage that engenders, it's hard not to feel it's an aggressive act.

Could you invite her bf round one evening OP?

It would give you an opportunity to check him out, make him look a bit less exciting to her and, if he is revolted by her room or shocked when she's rude to you, might just make her see her behaviour from a different perspective.

Any possibility you could make friendly contact with his parents? I've always found this quite beneficial even at 16, but does depend on the parents of course.

It's so difficult. The teenage brain is rewiring and not set-up for considering other people or the consequences of their actions. They need to be cut some slack - they're not adults. Think of them as giant toddlers .

But there's only so much you can put up with...