I dont know what to do about 14yo (self harm and other issues)

[Jennco]

She is 14, we have moved alot over the years and most recently last year. She has lots of friends at the new school, is really popular etc etc..
She has been stealing from me and her elder sister for years, we have tried our hardest to get to the bottom of this and stop it to no avail...
last week I discovered a pot of cream (bloody expensive stuff) in her possession after it was hidden in my bag (in a bag, in a drawer!!!) I dont know why, but I asked her for her facebook password...

OMG I could have been sick at what I have been reading. In the last week alone she is offering herself up to a boy (then another and another) for sex, blow jobs etc and arranged to meet this boy from school (who is also 14 - thank god)at the weekend, even though he was saying he didnt want anything more that to be friends with benefits, every crumb of affection he was giving her she was lapping up. Its almost desperate, she has such little self esteem! She has snap-chatted a picture of her naked breasts and he sent her an erection picture (gag) less than an hour after we had a chat about respect and how what goes on the internet can haunt you fortyear

She has admitted to another friend that she is self harming, whilst telling us her friend accidentally scratched her, she has been sharing pictures of parts of body she has been scratching etc and telling everyone how we hate her and don't care she is self harming. which we didn't know! - obv we ask her, and try and talk to her about any issues she may have, but we get a breezy - "honestly i'm fine, really it was an accident from when X and I was playing".
we have seen her say we hate her and she hates us over and over again in these messages, we know its tennagerism, but I think it also goes deeper. She said she has been watching porn since she was 10 - this again was a revelation as we had no idea, she says she had been sneaking down after 12:00 and watching the adult channel.
we had strict time guides when she could go online, but she has been using her little brothers unrestricted access after 9:00

Every word to us is an automatic lie, did you take..."no" It wasnt me, it was little brother 1 etc "you are always believing big sister over me" and so on.

looking into her room, we have found magazines and food (we gave her £2 lunch money a day - enough for a meal at school) and she has been buying that crap instead, we found a weeks worth of receipts for over this amount, so she has been stealing money as well.

I have spoken to "proffessionals" before (10 years ago!) who fobbed me off and said we was at fault we dont giver her enough attention and she is normal... maybe she is, and it seems strange writing about a then 4year old but she was having problems back then, excessive hitting her sister, lying and taking stuff, wrecking stuff etc

I really really want to get her and maybe us help here. I dont want the self harming to go further (found paracentamol in her room too) i dont want my daughter to hate herself (or us!)

we have 4 children, 16g 14g 10b and 8b. So far we have done our damdest to treat them all equally, my poor husband is so upset at what he read, he is hurt and so angry, as am i.

I have spoken to a Doctor who said it sounds like she needs help, but he needs to see her alone.
I hate to say this about my baby girl, but she is two faced and manipulative, so i can fully see her brushing him off!

please please help, i don't know where to turn anymore.

Hand hold. I don't want to disclose things about my DD on here, but suffice to say she is ill and has done some of this, because she is ill. We are in the system and getting what help is available (scant and not well qualified in MH sector) and things are improving somewhat.

Don't worry about what she says to the doctor, the main thing is she will get the help she needs, and a referral to CAMHS. She will need to want to get better.

You can change the internet access immediately, and change passwords, get a parental control and key logger set up on her (and brother's) internet accounts on ALL devices and have passwords for yours and your DH's accounts and phones and any other devices. Put swipe codes on your phones and change them regularly.

In your place I would stop internet access for a while, to protect her and to make it clear that she is not to use it for porn or sexting or anything that would harm or demean her, or to make money.

Id consider giving her a bit more money as pocket money for magazines and make up, and if she isnt using the lunch money for food, look into the possibility of her also hiding an eating disorder and this being the driving force behind her behaviour.)

:) Thank you for the support.
We have stopped all her internet access, we genuinely didn't think she would be so stupid(or clever) as to use her brothers tablets. They are now password locked, Our computers have always been locked out unless we allow her on. Phones are never out of our reach.
We were quite savvy about internet access as years ago DD1 did something stupid and a houseful of bricks went crashing down on to her head! :)
The boys Tablets were the only unrestricted device, when they went to bed, the left them on charge in the hallway. We can only assume she has been sneaking down after we went to bed and using them, (well 1 of them, the elder of the two has pass-worded himself :) ) The boy always complained of how the tablet wasn't charged enough, so now we know why!
Sadly, he has been complaining how slow his tablet was, so this morning (before we realised) my husband reformatted it so it wasn't so clogged up, we did wonder why an 8yo wanted snapchat!

The magazines she has been buying are take a break and women weekly!!! such pleasant views on life! the food has been custard creams, skittles and so on.

With regards to pocket money, she did get £10 a week for a long long time, until she broke something valuable on purpose, so she was told to pay out a few pounds a month to pay us back as we had to replace the item(think it was £10 a month, so she still had nearly £30)

She took an expensive cream of her sister and smeared it all over her wall (at 14!) which her sister saved up for, so we told her she had to pay for that (a minimal amount of £1 a week)

She stopped doing her jobs, which the other 3 still have to do and so we stopped a lot more of her pocket money until she was down to £10 a month. I agree this isn't a lot, but she is costing us a lot of money on a monthly basis from things of her friends she is breaking/ruining etc (stupid stupid things like taking her brothers stuff and breaking it, taking her sisters stuff - which they save for, ripping a friends jacket and bag and drawing over clothing)

She had everything she could possibly need or want. We always bought her stuff like makeup so she would stop taking mine, but she always wants "better" she feels as if we buy her crap (which we don't) she covets what her sister has, which her sister responsibly saves up for. we take them both clothe shopping.

So I am not keen to give her more money, especially since we are now getting grief off her sister for such things as "you never believe me""why does she get to go to this expensive concert when she hit her little brother, called mummy names and stole all the sweets from the treat cupboard" etc etc

Its such a juggling game trying to treat them the same when they don't act the same. Its so hard treating them the same and getting in trouble with the eldest for rewarding her very poor behavior :) Cant win there though can I :):)

Not to mention, we are bloody poor anyway! we cant afford to keep fixing her mistakes, we are trying to save money for a house of our own, and a second car.

Feel like im banging my head against the wall. I read back what I am writing and think why the hell are you not watching your 8yo tablet!

Poor you, and especially, poor DD . Your post has literally made me cry. Please don't label your DD as "manipulative" when she is clearly ill and obviously has serious self esteem issues. Please do support her, get her help and keep her safe and loved. A hug can go a long way. Your DD must be feeling worthless and isolated atm.

You may have to push hard for the medical referral but never give up. Are you in London? If so, SLAM offer some of the best adolescent mental health services. In a way you are lucky that she is only 14yo as you will be able to make the most of the children's services before she is too old.

Please take care of yourself and your family xx

:) no, more money isn't the answer, didn't realise you were already giving her pocket money.

She's ill, it isnt your fault or her fault. There are things you'll both be working on improving over the coming months, but mainly it is her mental health she needs the help with and feel she is supported and loved and accepted.