Lessons in humility for a teenage boy acting like a dick.

[Spidermama]

My 14 year old DS has had a string of detentions at school. He's rude to teachers and disruptive in class. Lately he's ramped it up and today he's on his first ever external exclusion. All this in the week we have his Spanish exchange student staying.

I'm mortified and really angry with him but at the same time trying to keep the atmosphere good at home and to keep the awkwardness at bay out of respect for our guest, who's in England for the first time.

I've also heard on the grapevine that during a party including all the exchange students at another boys house, he got into some kind of argument with one or two of the Spanish girls. DD says he called one of them 'a fat bitch'. He completely denies this but the account he gives me is not very plausible.

Generally speaking, at home, I don't see this side of him, unless he has friends round. It seems to be an act he puts on in front of his peers, including the Spanish students.

He also has anger management issues. His temper flares from 0 to 10 in 2 seconds it seems. I feel completely out of my depth. Can anyone suggest ways of teaching humility and also of anger management for someone who just flips like this?

I totally understand your fury but it's not going to help you help him.

I don't have 'fury' about this. I am very worried and out of my depth so looking for practical help and advice. Self help books or ideas about some kind of therapy, phychiatry ...

DH's mother and younger brother have the same anger issues. They flip out of nowhere. I wonder if there are methods for counter acting this sort of genetic predisposition towards angry outbursts.

I would suggest "how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen" which may help (available on Amazon).

If there is a predisposition to being unable to cope with negative emotion in the family then a form of mindfulness training would help (though whether he'd go would be an issue). You can google for mindlfulness classes near you.

Sounds like he is having a difficult time in his peer group and can't deal with it - hence the anger flaring up. Peer interaction is difficult if the peer group has shifting norms or if he feels at the lower end of the peer group pecking order. There may also be the odd git in the group who goads him to see the anger flare - with the exchange students making an extra "audience" that he can't emotionally cope with.

Bottom line is your son is unhappy and he isn't dealing with it well - he probably doesn't have much of a toolset for dealing with negative emotion. You do need to help him find a way to deal with his feelings.

A counsellor who will do role playing of difficult situations may also help - this is a kind of social skills training where the "safe" environment is used to practise dealing with negative emotion or situations where you feel "out of control" where he can practise responses or not letting his anger control him (mindfulness training also does this but I suspect a teenage boy may resist mindfulness and meditation, which is a shame as they are proven techniques).

Also, he doesn't need humility lessons, he needs practical help. Once he learns to like and accept himself then he'll treat people well. Happy people don't act out.

I would tell him that if he flips like that , you will ignore him. Physically turn around and walk away from him, and then go back when he's calm. There must be some part of this doing this for the attention.

What is he doing at home now he's been suspended for a week? I'd have him on lawn mower, rubbish bin emptying duty and up at 7am each morning. He should be wishing he was back at school.

Thanks Miggsie. Great advice. We've already got him on a mindfulness course. He's done two out of the seven available sessions and there has been showing some positive signs.

In terms of placement in peer group he seems to be pretty high up there. Maybe it's about the stress of attempting to maintain his position which does attract negative attention from other boys.

He got into a fight last week in front of the deputy head. He tells me the boy he attacked had made a racist remark about his friend then called his girlfriend a slag so there's definitely provocation but he still needs to learn that violence is not the answer. I just wish there was more time between the provocation and the outburst so he could step back.

I have the book you mention. I bought it years ago and kind of thought it was for younger ones but I'll give it another go.

PeterParker he's only been excluded for one day and I have him doing school work.

Thanks again Miggsie. I'll try to step back from this too and be more sympathetic.

Do you have any insight into what is happening at school? What is their plan to manage his behaviour? I think it's really concerning that he's chosen to 'ramp it up' following a string of detentions rather than look at his behaviour. Do you think the exclusion has been a shock to the system or not?

Remove all screen time for set periods every time he acts out. Do not capitulate on it (along with everything else that Miggsie said)

As well as "How to Talk..." you might like to take a look at The Unwritten Rules of Friendship especially the chapter on "The short-fused child" and perhaps "The intimidating child". It is angled for younger children but the basics are the same for all ages so it may help.

If your DS has sudden temper outbursts that seem to be innate and are over nothing much then The Explosive Child is good on what can trigger these outbursts and how to manage them and get children to overcome them, though hopefully your DS is not as explosive as some of the kids it describes! It covers a wide range of ages.

Good luck