My teenage boy has no friends and feels so alone

[Singleparent500]

I have just turned to this site in despair and thankfully found a message from a user by the name of 'happyholiday' but it was sent to this site in 2012. The message could have been me writing it as her situation is exactly the same as mine with my 15yr old son...
I've turned to the web in desperation on the usual dreaded Sunday night before school, when you your child is anxious and upset (even at 15yrs of age!) because he said he feels so alone at school and always struggles to make friends in school and even out of school.
Tears rolled down my face when I read her message, as i said, it is identical to my situation. It is heartbreaking to see your child suffer and struggle like this, really dreading going to school, getting anxious and upset not wanting to go in, feeling lost and a failure.
I have tried absolutely everything to invite friends round, I've taken them all on many days out, sleepovers, tea after school, but my son is still alone, rarely gets invited back as even most of the parents take advantage of me trying to entertain their children so my boys would have friends, but even they hardly return the favour and don't even collect their children sometimes, expecting me to drop them back home.
My son is desperate to make friends but finds it hard to approach them, he is desperately shy, quiet, very low self esteem, and finds it hard to start or maintain friendships. he has been bullied since primary school for being shy and dyslexic (so he was called thick and space cadet etc !! ) he has such low self esteem because he feels so lonely and that he does not fit in anywhere.
One thing in his favour is he is good looking, but feels such a failure inside. He is a lovely sensitive boy, can be rather lazy (or depressed?) because he is not motivated because he is alone and says he always on his own in the playground and in class. He says he has nothing to look forward to in life but I can't afford holidays because I'm divorced and on my own with no help from my ex, so his dad is also absent from his life 95% of the time.
I've tried to get school to help, he is totally lost in a huge secondary school and the support is virtually non-existent, hence he is still on his own at school and out of school.
He is at home every evening and weekend, desperate for a normal life with friends, Facebook makes it worse because everyone is in big friendly clicks and showing what a full-on popular lives they are all leading which makes him feel even more unpopular and isolated . He is totally wasting his life and I feel totally helpless especially as a single mum whose ex husband has no input in his or my other sons life. I feel so pressured myself and finding it hard to cope with all the responsibility and heartbreak of it all and working etc, seeing how sad and unpopular he feels on top of all the other pressures and strains of everyday life.
I live in Cheadle Hulme cheshire 20 mins from Manchester if anyone else is in this situation, I would be happy to set a group up in the area for other teenagers/children who feel lost, unpopular, etc who need to make friends in order for us to get our children a life worth living and confidence etc as there must be so many more like ours, of which anyone can contact me if this is if interest to anyone and their children.
Ps my son has only been diagnosed with dyslexia, and I wonder if this is under a similar umbrella of difficulties building friendships/relationships/severe shyness
Any comments or advice on any of the above would be greatly appreciated . Many thanks for anyone who has read this far and still awake ha !!

I have no practical advice as my ds has very different issues to this, but your story has moved me and I know how it feels to be feeling this helpless, and how little support there is out there for teens. I hope things improve for you. We are all left feeling inadequate by Facebook as people only post things on there that paints their life in the most flattering way, and this must be horrendous at that age. Take care, look after yourself too x

I have no practical advice as my ds has very different issues to this, but your story has moved me and I know how it feels to be feeling this helpless, and how little support there is out there for teens. I hope things improve for you. We are all left feeling inadequate by Facebook as people only post things on there that paints their life in the most flattering way, and this must be horrendous at that age. Take care, look after yourself too x

DS2 was a bit like this throughout his school life, when he went to college to do 'a' levels he found his niche and made friends.
He is at University now but home for the summer and has got a job in a pub which he loves.
I know your boy is 15 but can he get a part time job for the summer hols, at least then there is something to get up for and you get to meet different people.
Good luck to him, things do get better.

I think Iseenyou has the right idea. Maybe try a club or activity that will give him the opportunity to develop skills and friendships. Something outside school would be good, so there is no "history" or prejudging.

Is he interested in wildlife at all? My ds was quite shy and a bit of a loner when in early teens (his choice, and it didn't bother him). He joined the local Wildlife Trust and got involved in some conservation work in a local nature reserve, which boosted his confidence.

Otherwise, maybe a sport that doesn't involve balls or teams if he's not particularly sporty. Canoeing? Judo?

Teenage years can be truly miserable, and other teens can be very cruel. Hugs to you both.

Can only think of 2 suggestions, drama group, many great actors have all sorts of emotional problems but they can lose themselves behind the 'mask' when they act out a role. The second one is to volunteer with animals,particularly dogs. Animals frequently break down all social barriers and can work wonders at bringing even the loneliest soul out of their shell. I expect there are many animal welfare charities nearby to you who would jump at the chance of some voluntary work. This sort if past time could really boost his confidence and self esteem and could emit a very calm, peaceful vibe into his life.

Could he maybe join something like Scouts or cadets where he could join in activities and meet new friends away from school. Your post made me feel sad for him. My daughter seemed to spend the whole of one Summer holiday on her own when she was about 14. I need not have worried as a few years later she had lots of friends. Good Luckx

I'm not a Mum yet so no advice but I just wanted to say I knew boys like this at school who kind of 'reinvented' at college or uni and found friendships and their niche as a PP said. It seemed to let them sort of start again and meet people who had no precious knowledge of them. I am trying to say don't lose hope!

Sorry you are both going through this. He is very lucky to have such a caring mother

My 14 yo ds is quite a loner.
I keep forcing him to see his friends and
Friends he plays on Xbox are from his theatre group and I would also suggest him joining one. If he doesn't want to do the acting/singing he can do lights or stage management.

Would he be interested?

With summer approaching theatre schools will have workshops where he can try what it's like to be part of such group.

Both of my kids belong to one which is organising of choir on Thursday evening (90 min) and they also go Saturday morning for theatre school 3 hours.
In the summer they have 10 day workshop where they rehears for a musical.

I would also echo the need for him to get involved with something outside school. A job, volunteering, anything to make him realise that he's a worthwhile person.
I have a 16 yr DS so feel your pain. They seem to be in one of 2 camps at this age... Either quite lonesome or party animals.

I hope some of the advice from the wise MNetters helps. Good luck.

It seems to be a case of just surviving those teenage years. It is like that for my children and I know for a fact that it's similar for many of my friends' children. They often feel left out. It always seems like everyone else is having a great time on Facebook but it can be a bit of a front.(And often what they are having a great time doing can be intensely worrying, and possibly not something your son wants to be part of, hence his isolation.) Is there a smaller school he could go to? School can be really tough and merciless. Telling him you can see he is having a really tough time rather than trying to fix it, as we mums always do, may help. You can't fix it but you can get him involved in clubs and do things together and help him find interests. Having a great relationship too will help, as you obviously do. He has opened up to you and shared all those worries. It may well be that he is on a different wave length to people at school and will find friends effortlessly once he is with like minded people. This did happen for my son once he got to uni.He survived school by studying and just being with us. He hardly comes home now and I am over joyed for him. Your son's time will come. You just have to get him through this lonely time. This was true for all 3 of my children.

Air cadets in Cheadle? V friendly group and lots of activities.
Volunteer at the Wellspring? Many supportive adult workers there as well as kids.
Stockport Schools Brass Bands give free tuition and I think provide instruments too, that's Saturday mornings.
It WILL get better. Just hang in there at school for Y11, focussing on getting the best results possible to open doors in the future. There will be people who share his subject interests better when he gets to A levels.

I'm probably going to be flamed for my suggestion but here goes.......
Does your ds have an Xbox? My ds also 15 goes to a high school where all of his friends live to far away to socialise in person with so for most of the time he talks to them on live. It may be a way for your ds to practice conversations while sharing a common interest. My son regularly plays on line games with
"randomers."( we have rules like no specifics-name address etc to keep it anon). It may build up his confidence doing it online with strangers instead of face to face.

I second joining air cadets. DS2 has joined and has a completely separate from school social life. His cadet group has its own FB page, too, which means he joins in with stuff on that, too. He also plays online with some of his friends. His friends are not allowed out very much at all (unlike DS1's friends!) so this online/FB life is kind of what he has to do, apart from going to cadets.

I too would agree with suggestions for outside of school activities. Ours have enjoyed:

• Cadets (one in Army, one in ATC)
• Saturday music school (run by County Music Sevice)
• St John Ambulance

I also agree with xbox online gaming. This has helped DS(15) to build his confidence.

Your poor boy. He sounds a lovely lad - schools can be overwhelming and it's difficult to make friends. I second the advice about joining a group/club to meet people with the same interests.

A good youth drama group worked wonders for my dd, it really boosted her confidence, the people in her group are kind and friendly and all a bit quirky in their own way, so they respect and appreciate people are different.

Outside school activities are all about the activity IYSWIM. Everyone is there because they want to do the activity. With the groups my DCs went to there was good discipline. Anyone upsetting others was soon shown the door.

Not all boys have large sociable groups of friends - mine doesn't. I thought he had formed a 'best friend' friendship earlier this year (year 9), but realised that that had tailed off. When questioning more, he seemed non-committal about group of friends. Ie. I asked does he regularly go round with the same group of friends at school and he didn't really give a decisive answer. Unlike your son, he isn't unhappy at school, but I thought by now he would have developed a stronger friendship group (which his younger brother has already done in year 7).

Like others have said, try outside clubs. What interests does he have?

I feel your pain as my ds is in a similar situation, even down to his dad (my ex) having no intetest in his life. But the advantage you have is that your ds obviously confides in you, and tells you it makes him feel sad- I know it doesn't solve anything, but it makes it much easier for him having someone he can offload to.

If he wants to change the situation, that is half the battle. If he could change schools for sixth form he could re-invent himself and have a fresh start.

Not sure about the advice above re Xbox- that is the precise reason my son doesn't care about socialising- it actually takes the place of relationships and hobbies.

My heart goes out to you and I so hope he sees some positive change in the near future x

My eldest is in the same situation. He is 15 and has autism and has no friends his age. He has one friend a few years younger but that's it. It makes him so miserable. He is a lovely person, so nice, so kind, so funny. he loves gaming and would be a brilliant friend to anyone willing to give him a chance. But nobody will. It absolutely breaks your heart. I totally feel for your son and for you. We're not even that far from you, only over the hills in the derbyshire dales. I'd be up for a group!

We emigrated and where we live we have no family and we didn't know anyone at all when we got here.

I had to work quite hard to create a network of friends both for me and our dc.

I think it's a bit like dating. There are people out there who will have things in common with your boy and you just have to find them. And you can't find them if you aren't out there meeting different people.

Outside activities are the way to go. Meeting people who are not at your school or who are but you might not know so well is a way of becoming less reliant on one group of people. So if things aren't going well,at school you have another circle to be in.

After school groups quite often have a trial session so he could try a few things.

My son does communicate with people via the xbox and minecraft so does socialise that way. However, we try to enforce screen and no-screen times.

I think gaming can be sociable - social media is a minefield and I would avoid that, but if you're willing to supervise it and monitor it with a timer on the settings and a passcode then I think it can be a viable way to make friends.

I just read this post, having posted a similar one about friendships. It is really hard watching them suffer and knowing that you can't make the friends for them. I think school life can be so tormenting for lots of kids. It's like prison yard - everyone battling to be top dog. So cruel when you think how vulnerable our children are at this stage in their lives.

I think I was quite similar to your son at school,and what a lot of posters has said is true; things get better as you get older. School likes homogeneity but individuality is prized later on. It is just a matter of getting through the horrid years intact. X