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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How do i get my teenage dd to go to school

26 replies

runkid · 05/09/2006 21:12

my dd has been out of school a year and six months she has finally been found a suitable place and starts on friday but she wont get up in the morning and i have left for work by seven. Any ideas!!!!!

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3littlefrogs · 06/09/2006 13:33

Sorry no-one has replied. I guess everyone is stumped. Parents are just left to cope, then fined or hauled into court when the teenager doesn't cooperate. I went through a short phase of this when ds1 wouldn't get out of bed. I phoned the school and we were all (me, dh, and ds1)summoned to the head's office. However, this was nipped in the bud very early and made enough of an impression to put the wind up ds1. i think your situation is far harder to deal with as it has gone on so long. Have you written to school / education authority / social services setting out the situation? At least you should cover your back by putting it in writing and asking them to tell you what, in their opinion, you should do. There are state boarding schools, and these can be accessed on the recommendation of ed. authority / social services. How old is your dd? why has she been out so long?

runkid · 06/09/2006 18:00

she has been out so long because she just wont go and the education authority have been messing about and passing the buck and nobody seems to have any answers.

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3littlefrogs · 06/09/2006 18:36

I am so sorry. These people are always intent on dodging responsibility and saving money. I wish I could think of anything sensible or helpful, but I am at a loss. You just can't physically drag your teenager to school, and presumably you have to work to pay the bills, so you are between a rock and a hard place. The only small crumb I can offer is the fact that there are so many opportunities for learning throughout life these days, and perhaps in years to come she will realise that she missed out, and will decide to get back into the system. I am sorry if that sounds patronising, it really isn't meant to, I just felt bad that nobody had replied to your msg. I wish I could be more use. Maybe someone else will be more help.

runkid · 06/09/2006 21:11

Thanx 3littlefrogs they have threatened to fine me or send me to prison i thanked them for there advice and went and pulled my hair out !!!! Parents just have to be to blame couldnt possibly be anything else

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Bibliophile · 06/09/2006 21:18

What does she do all day if she isn't at school? How would she cope all day with no money, no tv, no food in teh fridge, no phone and no computer? I think that's the route I would take.

runkid · 06/09/2006 21:25

Bibliophile she has none of those things except food as she often is missing she is locked out of house.She spends her days on the streets since she got kicked out of school long story other thread in teenagers would explain

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nearlythree · 06/09/2006 21:29

Have you tried a parenting course?

runkid · 06/09/2006 21:34

yes have been ther done that its been a four year battle this is more about dd than me

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Molesworth · 06/09/2006 21:37

I've had the same problem with my dd runkid: she has barely attended school for the last year, and even before that we had intermittent attendance problems. At one point I took her out of school completely and attempted home ed with her (which was pretty much a disaster!). She then went back to school, but it only took a few months before she started playing truant. I had a strange response from the school tbh. The pastoral care officer was very kind and sympathetic, but ultimately there was no support on offer, and as a result the school imposed an escalating series of suspensions with the obvious (but unstated) aim of racking up the necessary number of temporary exclusions to justify a permanent exclusion. I spoke to the pastoral care teacher about this and she advised me to deregister dd and make alternative arrangements for her education, as a permanent exclusion would be a huge blot on dd's record.

I followed this advice and deregistered dd earlier this year. Social services and the local EWO got involved - and I must say they too have been helpful and sympathetic as far as they can be - and a meeting was arranged at which dd was offered a number of options. Amazingly one of these was to send dd to an independent school funded by the LEA! I was surprised at the number of options available tbh. They included:

  • attempt to find a place in year 11 in a new state secondary (nigh on impossible where I live)
  • enrol dd on a part-time college course scheme (limited places available and more aimed at kids with limited academic ability)
  • enrol dd at an independent school to be funded by the LEA
  • enrol dd at the LEA's "pupil support centre" - a facility for kids who had either been excluded or could not (for whatever reason) attend full-time school
  • home ed
  • make our own arrangements to be supported by ad hoc educational support from the LEA (e.g. to complement a paid job or apprenticeship arranged by us)

Dd has opted for the pupil support centre and we have an interview there next week. It will be part-time - 2 or 3 days a week at most - and kids are taught in small groups according to ability. The educational aims are flexible according to the age, ability, motivation and wishes of the child.

There's no guarantee that dd will attend this facility either, although she claims that she will. I am praying that she does, and that it works out at least until she is 16 (next May).

But ultimately I agree entirely with 3littlefrogs - if dd doesn't get any qualifications at all next year (when she should be taking her GCSEs) I have little doubt that at some point in the future she will choose to go to college in order to sort this out for herself. I think it will be important that this is her own choice rather than something she is forced into. I myself am studying for my first degree with the OU, so I'm living proof that it's never too late.

I've rambled on at length here about myself, but hoped that by sharing our experience it might give you some ideas for your dd runkid. Good luck!

nearlythree · 06/09/2006 21:52

Sorry, runkid, didn't mean to sound like I was criticising. God knows what I'd do in your situation.

runkid · 06/09/2006 21:55

thanx molesworth my DD has opted for the same interview friday but i have a really bad feeling because DD doesnt put in the effort

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Molesworth · 06/09/2006 22:01

Mine neither runkid. Although she claims to be turning over a new leaf at the moment (and I'm not going to knock it while it lasts), I am sceptical about the chances of her a) going in the first place and b) sticking with it.

Are you going to the interview with her? Is it a similar thing to the pupil support centre i.e. part-time?

runkid · 06/09/2006 22:10

Yes its the same just called pupil referall unit i want to go with her but she isnt keen but i really think i should be there, dont want to push it though in case she doesnt go at all

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Molesworth · 06/09/2006 22:15

I wonder if she isn't keen for you to go with her because she's not intending to go?

I got a letter about our interview this morning, and they are expecting me to go with dd. I wouldn't trust her to go by herself anyway!

PeaceAtHome · 06/09/2006 22:21

Molesworth - that's really helpful to know as I'm going through the same problem here, think it's down to very low self-esteem in my dd's case. have posted a thread under:
"can 15 year olds study at college", so will look at the alternatives you mentioned. Good luck Mole and Runkid, it's such a bad time to be changing and all but i think too that it's never too late to start. That's fantastic Mole, a degree. my sis is doing exactly the same now, neither my sis or i had it in us at 15, so i understand our teenagers anxieties. all the very best

Molesworth · 06/09/2006 22:25

What a lovely message Peaceathome

I wish you and your dd all the best: let us know how you get on!

runkid · 06/09/2006 22:40

you could be right molesworth but i reckon if she doesnt want to go she just wont come home

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PeaceAtHome · 06/09/2006 22:44

Could they make a decision with your dd without you going to the interview I wonder? Ahhh...this is so frustrating isn't it? I can see this coming with my dd soon!

runkid · 06/09/2006 22:47

someone from the EWO is going wiyh her she also wants me to go i just think DD will kickoff. My problem is getting my dd to be here long enough to talk to her about it

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PeaceAtHome · 06/09/2006 22:47

with the pupil support centre - you say part time, do they go to school for the rest of the week?

runkid · 06/09/2006 22:50

NO she wont be going to school as well because she was excluded permanently

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PeaceAtHome · 06/09/2006 22:50

I don't know about your dd, but i find that my dd often kicks off more when i am there and will listen to other adults, as long as they're being supportive and understanding. difficult one. my dd's always saying she wants to "sort her life out on her own" - sometimes I want to let her but also can't trust she will follow through.

runkid · 06/09/2006 22:55

Yes i know exactly what you mean my dd says one thing and then does the complete opposite she is good at telling people want they want to here so i tend not to believe her much these days it is such a shame

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PeaceAtHome · 06/09/2006 23:00

yes same here. actually thinking about your other thread, why are they out of control...i do think a lot is also down to the their frustration of now knowing how to communicate properly or express their feelings and so there's the constant being on the defensive battle! wish we could get through to them that we really are on their side!

runkid · 06/09/2006 23:05

god yes wouldnt that be nice i just dont understand how they can be happy falling out and arguing all the time i find it unbearable at times

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