DS emotional blackmail or real need?

[MrsJackAubrey]

My DS is 16 a good student doesn't drink smoke or have sex. Has black depressed moods and has talked about suicide in the past. He sees a good counsellor

For 2 years he has had a female friend he met online. She self harms and has strict parents who do not know about my DS.

He says he must meet her in the USA ( we are in UK) this summer and I am evil for saying no. That I have no son. That he'll fuck off as far away from me as possible when he's 18.

His dad lives with me and him and his twin sister.

Would anyone have said yes to their son? Either I or his dad would have to go with him. He'd only be able to meet her on the sly ie not in her house or with her parents ok. It would cost a shed load of money which tbh we could afford, just about, but it's a STUPID thing to spend money on isn't it? And he'd have to come back and pine and be depressed missing her. And I'd be colluding with lying to parents.

But he says I'm to trust him, that it's the only thing that would make him happy.

He knows his dad wd say no.

What would you do?

To answer your question I would say no - absolutely not and completely out of the question.

What I don't understand in your post is this bit: "That I have no son. That he'll fuck off as far away from me as possible when he's 18. "

Absolutely not .
Tell him to save and he can go when he's 18.

Oh wait a minute - is that what he said? (I thought it was you thinking that). That was the emotional blackmail bit? I see now!

Still a no though.

Do you think he has talked to his counsellor about it? Could you write to his counsellor? I know that he/she won't speak to you about it, but this is obviously an issue which is causing your ds great distress and therefore, needs to be explored.

What would he say if you said that you would agree to take him once you have discussed it with the girl's parents and had their agreement?

Absolutely not. It's an utterly ridiculous idea. Completely selfish on his part. Which is normal at that age, but not something to be pandered to.

Is there any way you can have a conversation where roles where reversed? Maybe saying you had an online friend in America, would it be ok to sacrifice family money (days out, holidays, clothes for him) on you going to visit your friend, even though it could get your friend in big trouble and you'd only get to see them for a few hours. Would he be happy sacrificing his time and holiday to go with you?

No no no

When he has a job and can pay the airfare, then he can go.

no, I have dd who is 16 and I would not agree for any of my kids to go abroad on their own to visit a stranger whose family I don't know

Thanks all. He's just gone out with his dad to, I presume, try and get him to say yes. If his dad wants to facilitate it that's fine with me. My DH is a soft touch and I'm generally caste in the Evil Parent role.

The counsellor said not a good idea- I called him in desperation. I think I just find it so hard to find that firm adult parent in me. So I'm grateful for your perspectives !

Turn it around. How would your dh feel if a complete stranger turned up on the doorstep, having flown half way around the world, saying that they were having a relationship with your son. Would you welcome them in?

It's a firm no from me as well. The cost alone! Absolutely not!!

I understand he feels very passionately about this girl and feels compelled to see her, but the fact is, she's in another country hours and hours of eye wateringly expensive flight away, so it's not going to happen is it?

There's a first taster of adult life for him.

Seriously OP - there are adult working people who don't get to see their families because of the cost of flights...he needs to get real.

You weren't seriously considering it were you?

Your DH won't will he?

And if he did, you wouldn't agree would you?