Please help! DD trying to blackmail me. WWYD?

[Gymbob]

DD is 14. Has started (amongst other things), playing with naked flames in the house. Because it's fun she says. Can no longer leave her in the house alone as she was doing it while I was out, but now is doing it under our noses in her bedroom.

She has stolen matches (from a youth club) and played with them in her room, and last night put some material in her hair straighteners then purposely left it while she showered. The smell gave her away (again), and I had to threaten the loss of her phone to get her to point us to what she'd done. The smell was horrendous, and the material had started to smoke while she was still in the shower.

She is saying that there is no point in me keeping on punishing her for it, because she will only do something worse next time. OMG!

How can I deal with this, I am not thinking rationally at the moment....

Handbags thanks so much for sharing that, it does make a lot of sense, and it is reassuring to know that there doesn't have to be a huge trauma in someone's life for the teenage years to still be tough.

Precious Yes, my DD is very manipulative, and there is one sibling DD1.

UPDATE: As predicted world war three started last night about 9pm (Emsiewill thanks for your supportive message re plucking up courage!)

I had taken all hair prettying devices before she arrived home.......DD2 screamed 'Don't you care about me, don't you care that I won't be able to concentrate in school because I don't look good. How can I learn when I don't feel good about myself - my school work will be affected, and you don't want that, do you. I have to have them back for school or I'll be ugly.

I then told her I had rung the fire station and asked them to come over and talk to her about fire safety. She screamed again 'WHAT, how dare you embarrass me like that, I WILL NOT talk to them or see them, I can't believe you want to put me through that. I hate you and I want to move out.

Went down well didn't it

I work in mental health and fire setting is more common with our female patients, and is often a physical show of emotional pain.

Yes, you are doing exactly the right things, and I would ensure that she doesn't have the ability to use gas hobs or flames of any kind as it's very easy to set a fire. I'd also get rid of any metal waste paper bins as they are ideal for lighting fires in. I'd also be searching her room for matches or lighters as there is a likelihood she has a stash of this kind of thing.

Ultimately she has to understand that she could kill you all, because that's what she could accidentally do.

She needs telling that what she did could have killed everyone in the house including her and if not her, she would have been in a lot of trouble and family-less.

I am pretty slack at carrying through at times but if this was my child it would be more than straighteners they would lose.

Might be an idea to tell her how she looks is very unimportant and won't get her through life and pay her bills.

Hi. I do feel for you. It's awful when our children act out but I must say. Please please be strong and firm with her. She's pushing her boundaries and if she can see your worried and scared she will take control Don't let that happen Your the parent. Don't let her threaten you. You punish her. Definitely take away her straighteners. It will only get worse if you don't react. Let her know it won't be tolerated and you will phone the police. It's arson after all and the rest of you need to be safe

I know a family who were victims of arson.
IMO your DD needs to be told in no uncertain terms what the results of her behaviour could be. With graphic videos if necessary.
If she is worried about not looking beautiful at school, maybe some photos of badly burned faces would make an impression.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you can't afford to let this continue.
She is 14. That is old enough to understand consequences and definitely over the age of criminal responsibility.

You have done the right thing.

I am aware of a child your dc's age who set fire to the house. Deliberately. One.sibling survived, and I think one parent.

Camhs urgently. If you can afford it and they are not fast enough, private therapy.

Get yourself a nice cup of tea.

I think cahms wil,l hel manipuative attention seeking behavior can be a sign other stuff is going on dont think this I her just being dramatic,

Somebody I knows child started smal ended up setting fire to a flat on purpose he was under phyciatric care for a while,

It seems to get a bad reaction on here but can you remove her bedroom door? She is clearly untrustworthy and left alone seems to seek out the thrill of something dangerous like this.

No, don't remove her bedroom door. If she sets fire to her room, it will give you enough time to evacuate the house!

Oh no not the door this might make it worse taking awY her ele tricals is one thing taking away her door is cruel and dangerous imo, I know it might be seen as a solution but I dont think it is

My sister showed some of these behaviours.

She was diagnosed as borderline schizophrenic though I do think that was the wrong diagnosis.

I think you really need to mention this to her therapist.

What does she say when you tell her it could kill everyone in the house?

Her response would be very telling.

I would seriously look into fitting proper fire doors too op.

Please, please make sure you and your other DC know how to get out of your house at night, in the dark, etc in the event of a fire, or how to stop smoke getting into their rooms while they await rescue. Everyone should do this anyway but especially important here. Most people die from toxic smoke not from heat/fire.
If you have an upstairs, make sure there is a means of escape (aluminium fire ladder or similar), and make sure the keys for windows are kept close to the windows.

To be honest… I would be wondering about whether she needs to be sectioned. It might be getting to the stage where she’s a deliberate danger to herself and to the rest of the family. Certainly flag it up with the GP, because if the behaviour doesn’t stop then it will useful to have it on record that she has a history with fire-setting.

I’m not a mental health expert and I don’t have experience with fire setting. But I am wondering what she thinks “something worse” than starting fires might be. I feel that starting fires at home is as serious as a physical threat to other family members with a weapon. Imagine her waving a knife in her sibling’s face and then saying she wasn’t serious about using it but if you try and stop her then she’ll do something worse.

With fire, she might just be very immature and not understand the danger. But with her mental health history it might not just be ignorance - there might be deliberate aggression or attention-seeking or risk-taking in there too. So if she doesn’t stop even after a talk from the fire service then she really would be a danger to herself and others and I would think about sectioning. This is about keeping your family safe, and your DD safe as well.