Angry outbursts, how to handle?

[shelsco]

DS2 is 12. He's always had a bit of temper but it's always short lived and he's very loving and caring the rest of the time. He's had a hard couple of years really. He was diagnosed with anaphylaxis just over a year ago and reacted to something with a trace of a peanut so he now has had to learn to carry epipens everywhere (not that easy to do discreetly for a boy) and to change his eating habits etc. It's been a very steep learning curve and the amount of ignorance from people hasn't been easy as he's at an age when he just wants to fit in but is often excluded. He did develop a problem with eating but that seems to be improving. He has also started being bullied since starting secondary school and despite informing school it does keep recurring.

So basically I can understand why he's angry but he is lashing out at his younger brother (9)- who is the same size as him - and yelling at me and dh when we intervene. He is so angry and aggressive and I'm not sure about the best way to handle it. He needs strategies to help him control his anger but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him when he's calmed down and he does apologise but feels misunderstood and cannot see that the aggressive way he deals with things is causing the main problem. I remove the computer which he hates but, although it should be a deterrent, it isn't because he can't control his temper so despite knowing what will happen, it doesn't stop him. I need ideas for what to suggest he does when he feels himself getting angry so we can avoid getting to the outburst and lashing out.

Sorry to hear your DS has peanut - allergy, that sounds grim. Is there any chance that he could have the new treatment that cures it? It was on the news a little while ago, no doubt you already know about it.

As for the anger and bullying stuff, I have a similar situation with my 13 year old DS who has always had a temper. Sending to his room for time out is sometimes helpful, and I always try to speak quietly when he's in a mood rather than shouting back (not always easy)

Also this book www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840 has been helpful and he has found it very useful.

(sorry, not sure how to do links)

I'll have a look at the book isit, thanks. He can't have the treatment I'm afraid. It's not available in our area yet. We'd have to move to Cambridge to have any chance I think and even then it wouldn't be certain.
I do send him to his room but he just keep reappearing and shouting! I manage to keep my temper but can't say the same for DH unfortunately, who makes it worse by shouting back. I'll give the book a try though

So many kids have allergies and intolerances nowadays it's getting so common and in the school where I work none of the kids bat an eyelid if a kid has an allergy. Could he find some online friends who have the same allergy so he could share his feelings with others who fully understand? Perhaps he could write an article for his school newsletter or magazine to highlight the difficulties of having to carry an epipen and perhaps draw up some cool recipes that the other kids could try.
As to his anger, he is just beginning puberty and his hormones will be raging. Perhaps get him a cool, lockable diary that he could write down his thoughts and feelings in as a bit of an outlet. You could also think of getting him a punchbag for his bedroom so he can take out his aggression in a controlled way. He is getting to that age where he wants some privacy so do people knock before going into his bedroom for instance? Sit down and ask him if there are things you could do to help him to keep his cool a bit better and make sure his brother is not deliberately winding him up, as siblings quite often do.

Thanks heyday. thought I'd answered your post but hadn't!
I think the fact that he didn't develop the peanut allergy until he was 11 made it a bigger deal. Plus he went on a school residential last year where the staff kept making fun of him, threatening to throw peanuts at him etc and gave some of the kids ideas really! I did complain and school are not using that place again. got no response from council!
Finding friends with the same allergy is hard. He's not much of a writer- he's dyslexic and avoids writing like the plague! He doesn't want to draw attention to his allergy as it makes him feel different and he just wants to feel the same so don't think he would want to share recipes or write an article.. The diary might be worth a try though. If no one else could see it, it wouldn't matter about spelling etc and it might help him offload a bit of anger.

The talk about what I can do would help as well. Seems so obvious when you say it but I hadn't thought to do it. His brother is winding him up and I've talked to him about it. Still doesn't excuse ds's OTT reaction but does explain it a bit! Might be putting punchbag on xmas list if other ideas don't help!!