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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Unmotivated teenager

5 replies

Rainbow72 · 08/06/2014 11:59

I have a 16 year old (will be 17 in August) teenage girl. She has just completed her first year of a-levels. She works on a weekend and on the face of things she seems like a pleasant, capable young lady. The problem we have is that she is not very motivated and needs constant reminding to do anything. Her room is a mess. She needed to be told to revise all the normal teenage things, which we do expect and don't really have an issue with. We have always done a lot for her, driven her to places, reminded her of deadlines etc and it now seems that she cannot be bothered to make any real effort with anything as she knows we have always picked up the pieces. She craves her independence and yet she cannot be bothered to make any effort with organising anything. This weekend was a prime example when we made an effort to start looking at universities. We asked where she wanted to go, nothing materialised so I made a list of uni's for her to look at. She said she wanted to go to a particular one, when we looked into more detail, this uni didn't even have an open day. We then sat down and figured it out for ourselves, picked another uni and went to the open day. She then dripped around the uni, letting us ask all of the questions etc. We have said to her if it's not for her then that's fine. She insists she does want to go but to be quite honest we cannot see this to be the case. We are not pushing her to go to uni, I think she just likes the idea of it as it feels grown up. She wants to be a teacher. But we are not prepared to spend a lot of time and effort on something that she really cannot be bothered with. My real dilemma now is how do we go forward? Clearly we have done too much for her and this has been to her detriment. Should we completely back off from the uni applications and let her find out the hard way?

OP posts:
LastingLight · 08/06/2014 13:22

Yes I would back off completely. If she misses the deadline for applying she can work for a year and then try again. This will teach her a valuable lesson. What you can do for her is put a calendar up on her wall and for starters write in the dates by which some things have to be done, e.g. uni applications and any school projects she needs to do that you know about. Then don't remind her about anything. She is going to have to learn the hard way, and much better than she learns it now than when she is out on her own with no support.

terry110 · 08/06/2014 19:51

you could have written this about my DD (16) although a year younger she is the mirror image of yourDD. mine is completely unmotivated both with revision, part time work and everything in between. I can't imagine what she'll be like if she goes to uni in 2 years. she wants to be all grown up and is soooooo lazy and we've made a rod of our own backs by letting her carry on. She can't even seem to dry her own hair! Her bedroom is a tip, her clothes all over the floor and makeup everywhere. When we went to look at 6th form college she didn't ask anything but we did and when we got back in the car she went berserk. Saying we'd mAde her look stupid! we just can't win. revision for exams went well to start but now has just about stopped unless we nag her to do it. I wish I could just let her get on by herself but it will just mean in August if she doesn't get what she needs then it becomes our fault. DH is at end of tether and I feel like a referee! I'm more worried about results day than anything as she just doesn't cope well when ins go badly

Rainbow72 · 08/06/2014 20:43

Well I can totally sympathise with you! :)
We have taken on board the above advice and put a couple of dates on her calendar. We've told her we are backing down with the nagging/reminding and from now on she must find her own way to figure things out. Obviously if she needs our advice or help then she can certainly ask but if she misses a deadline then it's her issue not ours. Maturity wise it might even be better for her to go to uni a year later.
As for your daughter I can only suggest that you use the same approach. If she fails her exams it's her fault. It's certainly not up to you to remind her to revise. It might be best to leave the messy bedroom issue until after her exams. Then once the exams are over ask her to have a good tidy up and suggest she gets a job. If she doesn't want to work then she won't be able to buy things like clothes and make up.
Hope things work out and good luck for results day :)

OP posts:
TheWordFactory · 09/06/2014 08:12

My friend's DS is exactly the same and it is driving her crazy.

He constantly says he wants to leave home, have his independence, yet does absolutely nothing off his own bat.

He has shown no interest in university, yet says he wants to go. She is torn between letting him fuck it all up and driving it forward. She has no desire to do the later, yet is worried if she doesn't she'll end up with him stuck at home after A levels!

paulkal · 13/06/2014 11:46

If I were you I would back off gradually, as your daughter mind find it too much of a shock if you back off completely right away. Do less for her but phase out the support and talk her through the stages of adapting to receiving less support. That way she might find it easier to accept that encouraging her to be more independent is something she is capable of and so doesn't need to feel offended by you phasing out support.

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