HELP! How to adjudicate in arguments!

[Fedupwithteens]

I feel like I have lost all of my parenting skills and common sense & am at a loss.

Dd1 wants to do 30 day shred in room where dd2 is watching TV. Dd2 could watch TV in a different room, would be more difficult (but not impossible) for dd1 to do 30 day shred in that room (hard floor, more uncomfortable).

Dd2 refuses to move. Dd1 tells me to tell her to move. I say I can't tell her, it's up to her if she wants to do her a favour. Dd1 says I should punish dd2 for not moving.

I ask dd2, she says she doesn't want to move. Dd1 gets angry (shouting, door slamming) & then brings up that dd2 is "bullying" her when they get home from school & I should tell her not to & then punish her for it if she doesn't stop.

I say I will ask dd2 not to be nasty to her sister, but I can't punish her for something purely on the say so of dd1. I ask dd2 if she is nasty to dd2, she says she isn't. I say well please don't be.

Dd1 says "well if you had to come into school because someone was bullying me and they said they weren't, you wouldn't just believe them"

I'm not going mad am I? I can't punish dd2 for something just because dd1 tells me?

Dd1 is very volatile & shouty. Dd2 is very calm and laid back and loves to wind her up.

I don't want to get involved, but should I be? What should I do? I am honestly so confused - dd1 is so logical in her argument and so shouty I get so I can't think straight.

They're 14 and 17 btw...

I do feel for you. I am one of three girls and throughout our teenage years we all revelled in making each other's lives absolute hell. My own DM's non strategy was to pretty much ignore it, which looking back on it was quite wise because she was clearly not taking sides.
In the specific instance of which room to do the 30 day shred in, could they alternate? So one evening DD1 does her exercises in the more comfortable room, and the following evening she does them in the other room?

Thanks! I am of the opinion I shouldn't get involved, but it's so hard when dd1 is so vocal and in my face, and making me start doubting myself.

Normally there isn't the argument, it is literally just tonight this has happened (of course other days there are other arguments...).

Dd2 does tend to monopolise the room in question, but I don't think that gives dd1 the right to just chuck her out when she's in the middle of watching something. I do think it's fair to ask her to move, and it would be nice (& in the interests of family harmony) if dd2 did. But I'm sure that dd2 feels that dd1 gets her own way too much by shouting and making a fuss, which just isn't dd2's style. So that makes her dig her heels in.

And I turn to drink...

I realise this all sounds so petty, but is anyone else able to reassure me???

Your right you can't ask one child to move for another as it's their space / domain. But you can address the constant bickering.
Write them each a letter - not formal - saying how you feel. Say things like when you shout at me it makes me feel hurt etc. or when you won't listen to each other's point of view it makes it uncomfortable for everyone. Say how much you love them. Put some good points socially - you make me laugh when you. Or I love the way you .....
Don't put things like - stop doing ..... I hate it when you ..... You are ...... That is just blaming and won't work.
When you write it comes without eye contact, tone, gesture etc. they can read it re- read it , absorb it, think about it.
Don't be there when they read it. Don't expect a reply.
It will impact - for a short while.
Also get a book on sibling rivalry. It will help.
It's a nasty stage with girls. I really feel for you.
A night out with friends helps as well. ;)

You can't referee for life! My approach (mostly) following advise of others who have been through it and survived - is stay out if it unless there is risk of physical damage!!!
Easier said that done but when I do, they resolve it.
..... This too will pass! (I recall a version of the same when toddlers!)
Good luck.

I think that doing the 30 day shred is quite an admirable thing to do, and only takes 30mins. Therefore I would say that DD1 can use the room she prefers but needs to negotiate the time with DD2. If DD2 is just watching tv then she really can do that elsewhere, for 30mins out of her entire evening, surely.

And whilst I do think that they need to learn how to manage all of this themselves, I do also think that it is good for them to see you modelling good behaviour - hearing both sides, encouraging negotiation and compromise, making a fair decision and brooking no argument.

I agree that it would not be an issue for dd2 to move, but as she refused point blank, what could I do? I could punish her, and escalate the whole thing, but then she could accuse me of "taking dd1's side" as she "was in there first".

Which is why I remained out of it (or tried), but just needed some reassurance that I was doing the right thing.

They are back to being friends this morning - or at least not screaming at each other.

OP you were spot on to stay out of it.
At 14 and 17 they can manage this!
And as now friends again, they have done!
And neither can accuse you of taking sides either.
Result!

Thanks! Just so hard to keep on track when you are being bombarded with shouting and accusations of being a bad mother etc.

Mumsnet just as useful now as when I first joined when the girls were 1 and 4!