My 16yr daughter is making my life miserable, or am I just pathetic

[Desperatemumofemma]

I'm a single mum of a 16 yr daughter in the last year she seems to of turned from someone who used to love spending time with her mum, to someone who can't stand the sight of me Now when she's in the house she is either in her room or glued to the telephone.
She now stays out 3/4 nights a week, I've just found out she stays over with her 20yr boyfriend and wants him to be able to sleep here, I've said no but she makes me feel so bad about it, I feel helpless I'm at the end of my tether having to constantly chase her to find out where she is when she'll be home.

It feels like the only time she gets in touch is when she wants something, I'm soooo sorry to rant on, I know I'm not alone in this bth it feels as though I am.

Trust me, you are definitely NOT alone - follow/join this thread as it was started by a lady who is probably a wee bit further down the line to you:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2092984-Fucking-kids

TBH the 20yr old boyfriend is very worrying but, I accept, there's probably very little that you can do about it. I'm not really in much of a position to offer advice (I have added my story on the above thread) but I didn't want your post to be overlooked.

All I can say is we'll stick it out together AND we'll come through the other side xx

Yup, she's changed, and all your old strategies and tactics and rules are out of the window. Before you had control because she wanted to please you, now you have to find the new points of control (stuff like money and internet access). You need to focus on what really matters (school? Manners? Coming home more often?) because you can't win all the battles, and you have to accept that she really does love you and want your approval even though she doesn't always remember until too late and will die in a ditch before showing it.

It will pass. Eventually.

Oh I hope so, I get so upset that I can't talk to her properly and explain how much her behaviour hurts, then start crying and I can see her roll her eyes and switch off. Not sure how much more I can take, I find myself becoming more and more isolated :(

Desperatemum - sorry to be so base but is your DD on the pill?

Chances are she's in a sexual relationship with the 20yr old. Whilst its a big age gap it could be a "passing infactuation" BUT she needs to be careful. If she were to fall pregnant now then a whole new serious of issues would immerge - at least if she's taking precautions it's one less thing to worry about.

Sorry if this seems a bit matter of fact but it could be a big issue.

She's not on the pill, I've asked her if we need to go to the drs and get this sorted, but she says there's no need. I'm trying not to be judgemental and have said that it's not want I want for her, but if it's going to happen I want her to be safe. I can only hope she will tell me when she's ready or go herself.

I started reading the link you sent me, hugs to you (())

Desperate - it sounds like you're saying and doing the right things.

Increasingly I'm learning to sit back, be there when needed, but to let DD "do her thing".

As adults we can't keep then behind locked doors - they need to push the boundaries and "find their feet". My only hope is that I've bought DD up with love and decent standards which (although hidden inside her) will always be there.

It's so hard to do what we know is right when we know that our children will rebel against it BUT we have a duty to be there for them.

With your DD saying that there's no need to go to the GP I'd be inclined to ask her outright if she's having sex, and, if so, is it safe sex. Your DD may be taken back by your direct approach but I'd recommend it.

And next time your in the supermarket I'd put a handful of condoms in the basket xx

Don't take her behaviour personally - it's just the stage she's at. Wanting more independence is normal and healthy. Unfortunately her brain is still developing so she's rubbish at empathising with your point of view.

Have you met the BF?

I'd be welcoming to him (for several reasons) - you'll get to know him, your DD will be at your home instead of his, when she sees him sat at your dinner table chatting about everyday things with you he might start to seem less attractive.

Don't let her see you are upset. You don't want to add to her sense of drama about her BF. If you remove the drama some of her attraction to him will go.

I really feel for you. So difficult not to worry but the relationship with this lad probably won't last very long. Hold your nerve and try to appear calm.

i have one of these creatures she is about to turn 18. when she was 16 she started to kick off. we had a wonderful relationship. i was a single mum from when she was 18 months old. now she rarely talks to me unless its asking for money.

she moved out as she didnt want to follow rules. my advice is step back. the more you stand your ground the harder she will push. i had to report mine missing several times. i refuse all money. she ia just off the phone looking for £20. for sanitary towels. told her that she can have mine. £20 she thinks my head buttons up the back.

she went 3 months ignoring me. all calls and texts and is back in contact fair enough woth demands but im not giving in to any of them. the way she speaks to me is shocking.

other advice. get her on contraception. i got mine to accept the implant in her arm. i dont want to be a granny yet. last thing she needs at the moment is a wee baby too. the implant gets changed every couple of years we dont trust her to remember to get out of bed never mind take a pill daily. yours might be different though. x

Thanks everyone for your support, I have met the bf he comes here and they isolate themselves in her bedroom, she leaves the door open for what it's worth. Will just keep slogging on and hope this passes before it goes to far

Next time knock on the door and invite him for dinner yourself. Make sure you have nibbles/starter, main course, pudding and coffee to keep him at the table for as long as possible. (I'm not kidding.)

Be as nice to him as possible - it's better for your DD to be at your home than at his. Hopefully the relationship won't last long, but if it does and you're friendly he'll be more likely to feel comfortable with you and happy to stand around chatting or join you for a coffee in your sitting-room sometimes instead of always hiding away in her bedroom.

Keep the bf close yes.
I have one the same age and the boyfriend thing is THE be all and end all.
He's her first, they are having sex but thankfully she's on the pill and using condoms (how she loves to discuss this with me).
However, she is moody and selfish and messy and mean. I could scream. She stays at my mums all weekend and treats her house like a hotel. I have a go at her about it - my mum just seems to accept it but complains to me non stop. She smokes and leaves tobacco everywhere. It's vile and nothing I say changes it.
God knows what results she will get in August and thank god she has to go back in to education cos she actually thinks she would be better leaving school and "getting her own place" HAHAHAHA this one makes me laugh. She has a pt job, earning around £100 a month. Good luck with that.
She is driving me insane and I dont know what to do.
Sorry to hijack, just feeling your pain. She is an utter nightmare.

She is a teenager and as such is the centre of her world. Young people are generally totally and utterly self centred. I would go to see the nurse at your surgery, get leaflets on sexual health and contraception and leave them on her bed. It is highly unlikely that she will wish to discuss this subject with you or want to go the doctors with you but at least if she has the information to hand then she can access it if she wishes. She thinks she knows it all, as all teenagers do, she thinks she can cope with everything. She is growing up and desperate for her independence. She wants it all and she wants it now. Please don't get emotional in front of her, young people generally hate that. For all you know she may be using contraception but she ain't gonna discuss it with you. If you moan about her boyfriend she will just run to him more. If she wants stuff from you ie money then she has to follow basic rules before you give her what she wants. You will be teaching her how to grow up. She sounds like a very typical 16 year old really. I think you are missing the relationship with your daughter and in many ways you have been replaced by her boyfriend and this can be quite painful and difficult to accept but of course it has to happen in every child/parent relationship at some stage. Try to keep yourself busy. Let her see that you are a strong, independent woman as well as being her mother. This phase will end but you may need to accept that your relationship will probably never be quite the same again. It's no longer a child/parent relationship but has developed into a young adult/parent relationship and the rules are different. She still loves you and still needs you but she needs to find her own way in the world now and you may well not like some of the choices that she is going to make.

What a great post heyday x

Thank you MorrisZapp x

Ty that is hard to accept as we have been through so much together, but very true and I need to accept that things have changed.