18 yr violence towards brother has led to 16 yr old going AWOL during GCSEs

[stockwellia]

I knew it was going to be stressful having 16 yr old and 18 yr old sons both taking public exams this spring though was not prepared for recent events. 18 yr old son has lashed out at 16 year old brother with physical and verbal abuse triggered by fairly trivial incidents. I was present for the first incident and it was horrible. I told my older son if he was violent again I would call the police. There was another incident over the weekend when I was out of the house for a few hours. My 16 yr old is now refusing to come home. He seems to be sofa surfing with friends and will not speak to me or meet with me inside or outside the house, though does respond to texts. His GSCEs start again next week and I'm sure the situation will be effecting his ability to focus on exams. This is a shame as he has been working hard and was on course to do very well, and seemed generally to be coping very well with revision, keeping pretty relaxed but focused.

I did call the police and they came round, had a word with the 18 year old and were very nice and helpful. They can't take things further without a statement from the 16 year old. The boys' dad lives abroad but has a flat in London and will be arriving in a couple of days to take the 18 year old to stay with him there. So far the 18 yr old is refusing to budge.

As you would imagine I am very worried about both boys. Not just the impact on their exams, but also emotionally and on family relationships in general. It is very frustrating that the younger one will not talk to me (or anyone - dad, head of year at school, friend's mum). He is angry at me as he sees it is my fault for letting his brother get out of hand. I'd like to arrange somewhere safe for him to stay for the next few days at least if he really won't come home. He seems to be moving between friends' houses, sticking to places where I don't know the parents.

Any ideas??

Can you talk to some of the parents of the boys your ds2 is couch-surfing with? Might one of these families be willing to take on looking after him in a more formal way, for the next few days? If you knew that he would be getting fed properly and that someone would be supporting him as he revised, might that put your mind slightly at rest for the next while, so you can sort out your ds1?

I know it isn't anywhere near as good as having him at home, where you can help and support him, but if you could, at least, make sure his circumstances were reasonably settled for the moment, that would be a bit better, wouldn't it?

I have to say, if one of my dses' friends was staying here, under similar circumstances, I would want to contact their parents to talk things through, to tell them that I would look after their child, make sure they ate, slept and worked, and got to their exams, if that would help them.

Can you arrange somewhere for the 18 year old to stay?

Yes I do really want to speak to son's friends' parents and I'm trying to track down their numbers. I did have a volunteer mum lined up to look after ds2, and asked him to ring her but doubt that he will. I think it is kind of significant that none of these parents where ds2 is staying has been in touch as I'd imagine he is gravitating to places where not too many questions are asked. I agree I'd certainly want to contact the parents of a child who was camping out at my house in the middle of the exam period, though admittedly kids are very good at covering things up.

The plan is for older son to stay at his dad's place which is not far away as soon as dad arrives in the country to move him in. At the moment he is adamant that he will not go. He thinks ds2 is manoevring to get him out to the house, and there is some truth in that, but on the other hand he could make the situation better with some apologies and acceptance to everybody that his behaviour has been unacceptable. But as we know teenagers are not good at swallowing their pride.

Thanks for the support folks