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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I could cry- DSD aged 15 is pregnant

20 replies

TheTempest · 26/05/2014 00:10

I had a post before about my DSD and her suicide attempt/ self harm. She's 5/6 weeks pregnant and has officially lived with us a month but has been with us more and more for 2 years ish.

I'm no longer with her dad so technically not her step mum but she refers to me as her step mum (and my DP as her Step dad).

We have a meeting with SS about fostering her next week and are now going to have to say she's pregnant and wants to have the baby :(

I have no idea how to deal with this, there is only 12 years between us and quite frankly I'm drowning under the level
Of responsibility with no control.

I don't even know why I'm posting tbh.

OP posts:
Scousadelic · 26/05/2014 00:15

I have no experience or advice to offer other than to say however overwhelming this is for you, it will be even more so for her. My experience of teenagers is just to hang in there and care, they will appreciate it when they are older.

I hope you and she are both alright Thanks

Incandescentrage · 26/05/2014 00:15

Oh good god, what a horrendous situation. I am not sure that I have anything useful to add, but wanted to respond to your shout out. As a sort of non-step mum, as you say, you really don't have any responsibility or control over her. Her parents should be there for her, but I assume there are issues there or she wouldn't be with you.

All you can do is love her, support her, but ultimately and legally your hands are tied?

NotaDragonsEgg · 26/05/2014 00:15

Sorry to hear that you are struggling.

I have no experience of parenting teens so can't say anything helpful.

Original poster
TheTempest · 26/05/2014 00:27

Thank you for your replies. I have very little experience in parenting teenagers too!

Yes issues with both her mum and dad, we/she will get very little help or support from them.

I don't know where we stand legally, morally or anything else. I am trying to balance bringing some realism while supporting her. She knows we love her and will do no matter what. I just want the best for her, and to have a life and choices and freedom.

And well just to be a kid as she never has been able to :( she's under CAMHS and we are going to see them next week. What do you think they'll say?

OP posts:
HansieLove · 26/05/2014 00:43

It's good she knows you love her. Somebody should! She was dealt a crap hand with parents apparently.

But I wish she would not keep the baby. I imagine she wants someone to love her. Would she consider adoption?

HowsTheSerenity · 26/05/2014 01:15

Get her to talk to a social worker or counsellor before she hits the 12 week mark. Make her aware of her options such as termination and adoption. If she wants the baby then get her to speak to other teenage mums. Make her babysit a baby with no help or assistance.
If she has the baby will you eventually be responsible if she isn't?
Best of luck!

Selks · 26/05/2014 01:38

What can CAMHS say, really? The issue if her pregnancy and being fostered by you are issues for SS. CAMHS will probably just be glad that you've updated them and continue with what might be planned in relation to her mental health. If she wants some space to talk through her feelings they may be able to offer that. It is important that they are informed about the pregnancy though.
Good luck with it all. Keep speaking to social services - they need to stay involved.

Selks · 26/05/2014 01:42

Look into 'Family Nurse Partnership' for your area - this is a new scheme nationally where nurses work in the community to support young girls who are pregnant, much in the way health visitors might, but can offer more support. There may be this available in your area - you might be able to self refer or social services (or her GP) might need to. You might find details on Google or if you ring your doctors surgery.

Selks · 26/05/2014 01:48

Oh and I think you need to be honest with yourselves how much of this you can take on....you say you're drowning under the responsibility of it all...you may love her, and your love and concern for her is admirable, but can you cope with this?

kslatts · 26/05/2014 22:38

I agree you should try and get her to speak to a social worker, think at such a young age she really needs to speak to someone about all the options available to her so she can make an informed decision about what she wants to do.

Do you think you could take on responsibility of the baby as well as of your DSD?

RandomMess · 26/05/2014 22:41

Just wanting to send you hugs really, what a horrendous situation for your dsd and you Sad it's a no win situation what ever she chooses it sounds like she will struggle to cope with her choice however much you support her Sad

HeyBungalowBill · 26/05/2014 22:46

Fingers crossed this baby will be the making of her, it's a possibility.

I had my DS at 19 and although I wasn't troublesome before he truly has been the making of me and has made me happy beyond belief.

I realise there is a big difference between 15 and 19, but I don't like it when people jump straight to thoughts of abortion or adoption because a mum is so young. I know women in their 30s who are terrible at caring for their children and a girl who was a mum at 13 and is doing a great job with two sons at 18.
I understand why people jump to those thoughts it's just I'm so glad I didn't listen when my parents advised me to abort my baby because he's the best thing to ever happen to me by far!

All I can say is I really do hope the best for you all, I suppose all you can do is be there and support her.
It is a shame she has a poor relationship with her parents Sad

Best wishes Envy

slithytove · 26/05/2014 22:51

Can you post somewhere and look for responses from other people who became parents at a young age? It might help to reassure you and give you ideas of how to help her.

Do you have children of your own?
Is the dad (of the baby) in the picture?

You never know, if she has other problems, a baby could be the making of her if she has support from you. There is also lots of support from the likes of midwives, health visitors and young mums groups too. Get her involved with her local children's centre when the baby comes.

Importantly, do you have support? A mum, sister, someone you can talk to with no judgment if needed?

Best of luck Thanks

slithytove · 26/05/2014 22:54

I think if she chooses to have the baby it's important to set out ground rules I.e. This is her baby. Outline the help you are willing to give but make it clear you aren't taking on the bulk of the parenting.

Figure out the finances.

Also, starting from now, and unrelated to baby, make it clear what you expect of her in the house (e.g. keeping room tidy, cooking once a week, washing, attending school)

Also, and this might be premature, but figure out her plans once baby is here. Will she be going back to school? Will she be able to get her gcses (is she taking them now or next year)

I think if you post in the pregnancy board you will get help there.

OscarWinningActress · 26/05/2014 22:54

5-6 weeks is still very early days. Is she sure? If so there are lots of options at this stage and you (and her parents) should help her explore all of them. Massive, massive, life-changing decision Sad.

rootypig · 26/05/2014 22:56

No advice OP, just wanted to say how lucky DSD is to have you and your DP and good luck Flowers.

CarCiKoTab · 26/05/2014 23:02

I was 15 when I fell pregnant with my eldest. It was something I wanted and although I battled with PND and an abusive relationship I've coped pretty well. It sounds as though she has good support and that's what is important.

There is always a big thing about teenagers having children when they are children themselves but they don't all end up on Jeremy Kyle honestly.

HeyBungalowBill · 27/05/2014 12:14

I just want to echo what a pp has said.
I think she definitely needs to have things set out, that she will be doing the parenting and that you will be there for support. And definitely make sure she's taking care of herself more before the baby arrives ie that she's keeping her room tidy, maybe helping you a little with house work and that she's trying her best at school.
I think a little more responsibility when pregnant might help prepare her for when the baby arrives.

I really do wish you all the best, it must be hard for all of you. My parents were devastated when they found out I was pregnant and now they wouldn't have it any other way.
Please try to stay positive Smile

weatherall · 27/05/2014 12:23

Is the plan for her and the baby to live with you ?

Do you have space?

Is she still at school and wanting to continue?

I don't think you can separate her problematic upbringing and issues of loss and rejection from her pregnancy. It wouldn't surprise me if she very much craves the family bond that she will have with a baby. IMO if she has an abortion she will probably be pregnant again shortly.

She needs to see a midwife soon so she can be referred to a specialist service, they should give her extra help. Keep in close contact with her social worker.

Wishing you all the best

HolidayCriminal · 27/05/2014 18:14

She's not the first & she won't be the last.
Friend who was pg at 15 is now a grandmother at 40, but stable. Solid life, no major problems with her, nice kids, etc.
Hang in there.

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