Please can someone recommend me a book to help me understand my DS??

[Daisytea]

My eldest son has just turned 14 but the communication between us has really broken down. Although I know at this age he is unlikely to tell me everything I know nothing about what is going on at school or how he is getting on. When I ask I get the standard response everything is 'fine'.

Now I know everything is not fine because he hasn't been attending his music lessons at school and isn't practising at all at home. When I have ask whether he should be practising etc I get I've already done it at school - I now know this is not the case ( the teacher has approached me with concerns I haven't been spying!!)

How on earth do I broach the subject with him without it turning into an argument? Is there a magic book I can read that will help me understand how to get him to open up and tell me. I don't mind if he stops it is his decision but the fact that he feels he can't tell me makes me feel dreadful and then wonder what else he feels he can't tell me.

How to Talk so Kids will Listen

Get Out of My Life

Whatever!

Hope one of these will help.

Thank you. I've ordered the last two - get out of my life and whatever. Now to get down to reading them!

Feel like I practise everything on DS1 and then by DS2 I kind of know what I'm doing. Hopefully these will make it less trial and error.

Ask him if he wants to play anymore? Maybe he has just lost interest in playing an instrument. I have just agreed with DS2 he can give up (similar age). He isn't practising either and has developed other interests. We have just agreed he might as well stop - his decision.

As frustrating as it may seem, it might well be fine for your DS - he just doesn't want to play any more and he is of an age where you may have to accept you cant make him

one mistake that I have made in a similar situation is to expect my Ds to SAY that he does not want to play his instrument any more. Little did I know how completely incapable he was to do it. So, like your DS he lied and cheated and it annoyed the hell out of me.

I can deal with a 'I don;t want to play the instrument' but I cannot deal with lying.

Now I know that saying 'no' is psychologically very difficult at that age and even later (even my DH finds it still difficult).

So, the solution is to pre-empt this problem by 'sensing' what you DS wants and then kind of offer him to do that, so that he can say 'yes' - much easier.

Nicky and Sila Lee's book on teenagers is interesting too.

I completely get you with feeling DC1 is the one you practise on (no pun intended).

Go on twitter and read what other teens tweet perhaps? (bearing in mind their tweets are not intended for your consumption)

I think you have to make an effort to stay in their life. Bargain and negotiate their attendance on days out, even if they are sullen. And when you're talking, respond like a therapist. Did you? Ho hum! And what did you think when he said that? Say as little as possible. Flatter and encourage.