Violent dreams, bullying, exhausted, pressured. 14YO DD

[momb]

I'm just going to lay it all out as I don't know what is relevant or what to do first:
DD (14) has been on the special list since Y7 because of anxiety, so had regular trips to the pastoral care coordinator at middle school. Now at senior school she is keeping below the radar and has no staff support. She is top set for everything but does as little as possible so just scrapes by, then panics towards deadlines and gets in a state. She is part of an arty musical group of kids, but generally an outsider, and has been bullied on and off since Y5 by a couple of more popular girls (and their hangers on).
Last few weeks she has been crying occasionally. I now hear that it is happening at school too. She has been having horrible dreams where she is trapped in a room and the only way to escape is to kill her friend, who is tied to a chair in the middle of the room. It is a different friend each time. She does this, and the dream ends so she wakes. She never sees what she has done, but knows that she has succeeded. She is scared and tonight asked me to arrange a GP appointment for her, which I'll do tomorrow.
Coincidentally it came out tonight that she stood up to the main girl bully tonight, after this girl pushed one of my DD's (disabled) friends down the bus stairs. My DD punched her: the first time she has ever struck someone in anger. She will not be doing this again and we talked about this for some time.
I'm scared for her, and worried that I'll do or say the wrong thing: she is under a lot of pressure at the moment with music exams and school exams next month, and I'm worried that everything is coming to a head at once. I don't want to make things worse but she is clearly asking for help.
Can anyone reassure me that her fighting back IRL is not something that is coming out from her repeating dream, or that the repetitive dreams will pass, or that this is a phase? Or in fact just hand hold: I'll be taking her to the GP as soon as we can get an appointment.

She sounds like she has a great deal going on at the moment and needs some professional help as soon as possible. The charity YoungMinds are really good, look them up online and maybe talk to them tomorrow to obtain some support until you manage to get GP appointment. I suggest that you try and make home life as comfortable as possible and shelter her from stress as much as possible. Hopefully with the right help she will find some contentment again in life.

Hi op

Google the YMCA counselling for your area you can phone and self refer her, it's free and local they deal with 13 to 25 yr olds.

Her fighting back is a positive it is better than an alternative such
As self harm etc. this is the inner strength she needs to find, but it will need monitoring so as not to go too far the other way.

Sorry bullies don't respond to reason a lot of the time, sometimes kids do need to stick up for themselves, she has been walked over for too long.

Thank you for replying so promptly. Everything has escalated so quickly I'm not sure what to do first. She has confided and asked for GP appointment so clearly this is a first step.
Part of me is enormously proud that she stood by her friend, part of me is horrified that she hit someone. I have no idea if there will be repercussions from this.

She is such a great girl: so funny, so clever, but clearly so overwhelmed right now. I'll be standing in line for GP appointment at 8 in the morning. Shocked that she is so scared for herself and so aware that something is wrong.

She has recognised she needs some help this is good it shows she is self aware. Keeping open lines of communication is key and it sounds like you are doing a great job with this.

Please google the YMCA especially if you end up on a waiting list at the docs. Also it might be who the GP refers her too, I work for them they are a great organisation.

As she already has a history of anxiety, she is at the age where most teens struggle, and so for her it might be particularly confusing Its brave of her to ask to see the GP and extremely positive she is talking to you,. It seems worth pushing your GP for a camhs referral , but there might well be a wait. Young minds are not able to offer support, but they do have a useful website and callback service for parents, which might be helpful if you are looking for alternative support to camhs in your area, although given what you say, I think it is more helpful she sees a psychotherapist/psychiatrist for assessment rather than a less qualified counsellor, partly to help her understand how overwhelmed she is and set out the support she might need. From experience I would say please dont worry too much about school exams at this age, her health and resilience is more important. My DD really struggled 14 - 16, and she did need to learn coping strategies for her anxiety. best of luck.

If the ops dd gets to see a counsellor the chances are they will be integrative, most often they are psychotherapists, this only applies to the core theory studied and can offer much longer term work.
Counsellors are fully trained to deal with this type of issue/s but will only offer 6/8 weeks but more importantly can offer coping techniques as well as look for the triggers, to stop the anxiety from happening in the first place if possible.

So, an update. She did see the GP and was referred to CAMHS. By the time the referral came through she was feeling better and didn't want to pursue it......until last week when it transpired that the dreams had been continuing sporadically, with the twist that she herself was the victim, she was reaching crisis point and wanted help.
I went in with her to the GP this time, and gave more of the background. Her CAMHS assessment was this Tuesday (different GP, flagged with greater concern). We were told that there was a week of several weeks and that there would be a discussion meeting on Friday and to expect a letter next week.
On Friday morning I awoke to find her on the bathroom floor having cut her wrists. Not badly, but up and down her arms. She was asleep and said she had no recollection of this. There is some evidence, however, that there was at least a premeditation. I spoke to the CAMHS assessor before her meeting. The upshot is that she is jumping the CAMHS queue and will see a psychiatrist early this week (expecting a call on Monday). I am in bits. Nothing I can do or say will help. Nothing I do or say can help. She is her own demon. The advice I have received is to carry on carrying on. She says that she wants to go, has had enough of living and can see no way out...but then is out the door to one of her many extracurricular activities or out with friends.
Since yesterday morning I can't see anything except her slumped on the bathroom floor, every time I close my eyes. She says she can't share because it upsets me, but I can't keep it in. I don't have the words to explain what this feels like, and I can't even imagine how bad it must be for her. We can't leave her alone in the house and are surreptitiously checking knives and scissors and anything sharp that may have been in her room.

I'm so sorry it has got worse, and I've been there. It helps you are on camhs radar. Important thing is to make sure she attends with encouragement as she may find it very hard. At the moment please dont ask her why, or how etc, as its best that happens in a therapeutic setting. She has already been brave to admit things and she wont understand why she feels as she does, so its probably true she cant share and it may take some time with a therapist too.

She has been masking these feelings for so long but the fact she communicated her dreams with you was important. I think it must be very hard for her to understand and admit what is happening and she will be very confused (my DD used to pass out during therapy) so there can be all sorts of symptoms at this stage, some of which will change or disappear.

Until she has been seen however, I would be very practical and calm iwth her . Please, please try to keep your emotions in, in front of her. I know from experience and many mistakes its so difficult but it will make things worse if she sees you not coping. If she feels she is failing you, she may pull away. . and if she is out of the door with friends, make sure you know who she is with, and ask her to text you when she is coming home etc with times to be home etc. I would keep a very close eye on her, as now everyone knows, it might make her more vulnerable for a while before she has treatment and support. She is used to pretending everything is OK, and she may still be able to do that with friends but you know things aren't OK so she cant fool you.

Just say you want her to do things which make her feel better with her friends, but you also want to make sure she feels safe, so pick her up from places, drop her etc if she is out or maybe encourage friends to come round. Also suggest she may wish to write thoughts down in a journal, listen to music, things which keep her calm. . Ask camhs too for an emergency out of hours number - just to have it. Keep telling her you love her, whatever she is feeling, and together you will find a way to make things better for her. I hope you have support and that help can come soon. There are a few support threads on her with other parents going through the same thing but you are doing all the right things and yes, don't leave her on her own at the moment.

Thank you for your insight. I know I need to calm down. It's just so fresh in my mind all the time and I am terrified for her. I will try.
Did anyone on here have a positive outcome and get through this? She is so successful outwardly and then this: she doesn't see herself as others do at all.

She was seen by CAMHS psychiatrist last week who has prescribed anti-psychotics to get rid of the dreams in the short term with a view to going on to antiDs in a few weeks once she's caught up on her sleep. CBT would have been the obvious first course of action but there is a huge queue so meds it is. I've said that if psychotherapy is what's required then I'm prepared to pay if necessary but this would mean taking her off the camhs list completely so she'll lose any chance of group counselling, prescriptions etc. yet she needs the CBT and I'm not allowed to get it for her.

The transcript from the original assessment has come through and it's horrible reading. We are, apparently, an unstable, unhappy family who do not communicate. Her self-alienation is not her choice but because we are horrible people to be around. Logically I can see that this is her perception from her depressed viewpoint but God it is hard not to take personally, especially when we're all playing a game or going out and about together and she says she has homework or wants to chat to someone on her phone and withdraws from us.
I've told her she can have all the emotional distance that she feels she needs and headphones are allowed but laptop and phone stay in the living room from now on. She's away with school this week sop new regime, new meds and new schedule all start on Sunday.

You are right that normally talking therapy should be first. please read these guidelines which camhs should follow www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg28/resources/cg28-depression-in-children-and-young-people-understanding-nice-guidance2 as normally medicaiton should accompany talking therapy in teens. I think its worth firmly but politely at this stage, pushing them on talking therapy and if they arent following these guidelines, ask why not. . If she is unwell enough for medication, i would have thought she could have moved up the CBT list and at least she needs to be monitored weekly on meds. I know how hard it is to see how she sees the world and you but she is unwell, and you sound like a really caring mum so if you need to, get some CBT yourself via your GP. She is speaking her perception of the world rather than a truth, but at the moment, she will need professionals to help unravel her coping strategies. I do understand its difficult to have different therapists as you really need a team to work together and help her, but if they arent following guidelines ask for these decisions in writing. Resources are scarce, but only by people pushing for treatment they are entitled to, do the Trust take notice. I have in the past, had assessments by outside psychotherapists, when talking therapy wasnt on offer, which has been useful. ie.an outside therapist to tell camhs, my Dd needed talking therapies, but arm yourself first with info on camhs and the trust...good luck, I hope she gets the one to one support she needs.

And so we begin. Last night was the first with the new meds. This morning with a new regime: oaty breakfast at the table, multivitamin, fish oil, cup of tea. She is, miraculously, awake and moving this morning, albeit groggy.
New exercise machine purchased over the holiday so she'll start with that tonight.
It feels better just to be doing something, but I have no idea if it will help her at all.

Good luck. You are doing your best to support her.

Thanks for your support Anthropology. It means a lot that you are here with a positive story and still willing to guide us through this.

One week in. Still moody, still trying to isolate herself.....but, whether due to the meds or the new regime I don't know, she is ready for school each morning now. She is at least some of the time speaking and interacting normally with us. She has only had two dreams that she remembered this week which is a huge improvement, but not enough for her to give in and stop trying not to sleep. This will improve, hopefully over the next week as the antipsychotic blood levels stabilise.
She tells me that she is putting on weight from eating breakfast. I don't think she is but if so I suspect it's the sugary crap she's eating at school but all I can do is try and stabilise her morning blood sugar. I can't physically stop her buying the stuff they sell. She's doing 20 mins each day on the cross trainer and I've been doing low carb vegetable dinners: so porridge for breakfast, pasta and sugary drink for lunch, light and protein tea. It should balance out most days and certainly she is sleeping a bit better although she is fighting it. No memory loss or absences this week.
Onward and onward.

Two weeks in. The dreams were still happening so we doubled the dose. She is like a different person.
She's still grumpy and difficult to shift in the mornings. Still moody and want to be alone to message her friends. But it's different. A kind of laughing resistance. Not that she's laughing, but just that when she's at her most grumpy know that as she turns away there will be a smile playing on her lips. She is lighter. Just from getting a proper night's sleep for a week.
We're waiting for the next psych appointment, and she has been put down for group therapy at the beginning of April.
Still keeping up the porridge/vitamins/omega three/physical exercise regime as well, which may or may not be doing anything mentally but is giving her lovely strong forearms of which she is justifiably proud.

Three weeks in. The dreams are back but are not waking her. She is still distressed.
She is definitely more engaged than she was so the quality of her sleep is better but she is still resistant to it. Had a meltdown this morning that she hates porridge and I am bullying her by making her eat breakfast. She hadn't actually moaned about it before. I'm not budging on the porridge because if nothing else it is something to get out of bed for and sets up a good routine. Plus since getting more rest and exercise her appetite has shot up and I'd rather she filled up on good stuff rather than the sugary junk they sell at school for breakfast.
We have had the report through from the psychiatrist and the two of us are being referred separately to workshops for dealing problems without becoming anxious/having a teen with anxiety.
The psych's opinion is that this may be rooted in some pretty horrible bullying DD suffered several years ago which I thought we'd dealt with. I'm pushing for one to one therapy by email and phone as I think she needs to talk to someone and I am not the right person.
Next psych appointment not until end of the month.

Tonight has been grim. I knew there would be ups and downs. I know there will be ups and downs. I am a fixer: it is in my nature to do something, to grasp the nettle. It is not what she needs, nor what she wants. I'm standing back and letting her tell me what she wants but today it's all negative: she doesn't want medication, therapy or regular meals.

She tried to refuse her antipsychotic tonight. I cajoled her into taking it but now the dreams are back she doesn't see the point and apparently she hates me. Taking this with a pinch of salt to her face but it does hurt. I'll benefit from the workshop whenever it happens.

There are new scars on her arms which she hasn't mentioned so I won't. I need someone to tell me how to make it better, while simultaneously knowing I can't make it better and just need to support her when she asks.

Meanwhile we go through the motions: I am adjusting a theatre costume for her, making small talk, listening when she rambles, catching her when she starts to drift into dark thoughts. She locked herself in her room away from us tonight again, for the first time in nearly three weeks. I need her to get into bed so I can have a bit of a cry.

you seem like a lovely wise mum xx it all sounds very hard.

you are right in saying that as her mum you probably arent the right person to talk to at the moment. . You are being brave, doing your best and offering her your support. Its horrible to hear he say these things, and to know you can't help but being there for her, you are helping. If she is on medication , I'm concerned they are not introducing one to one psych appointments more regularly than the end of the month. Does workshop mean with other people? starting therapies around exam times can be tricky, I hope they offer this support soon. I might ask them if they don't think she needs one to one, because they are unable to offer it through budget cuts ? or they dont think she needs it. It sounds like she is managing school which has to be a good sign as side effects of meds can cause sluggishness and sleepiness and when my DD was really low, she really couldnt cope with a school day. My only advice at the moment is to keep pushing for the professional help she needs to learn other coping strategies . Also encourage her to do things which make her feel good and pick your battles.