Dd has lied to us.

[lollilou]

Dd(14) told us she was at an event when she was actually at her boyfriends house. I'm pretty sure she did it because she had been grounded for the week before but we lifted it so that she could go to the event. Had she told us the truth she must have thought we would say no. But it was her best friends Mum who told me where she was as she overheard her daughter and friend talking about it. They begged her not to tell me. How can I tell dd I know without dropping them in it?

I would ask her about the event and give her the opportunity to tell the truth. If she doesn't, consequences!! Big ones!!!

She has already talked a bit about the event which was on Fri. Found out about the lie last night. I'm worried that if she knows her friend told her Mum it will cause problems between the girls and and she won't confide in her Mum which has been really helpful for me. The mum and I are very good friends and sort of look out for each others dd's if you see what I mean.

Tell her she was seen going to bfs house.

When i have found out something and can't tell them how I know I just look at mine and say I know you inside out and I know when you are lying to me. What do you need to tell me.
Works!

Thank you all. I will sort this out when she gets back. The other thing is I haven't told dh about this.(sorry I know I used "we" in the post) I know he will go ballistic on her after last weeks grounding. Should I deal with this myself?

You would be doing your dh a great disservice by not telling him - it would make you complicit with your daughter in a lie to your husband and that can only be detrimental to your relationship with your husband.

It sounds to me like you need to work on your relationship with your DD. She is still being grounded at 14, lies to you and confides in friends of parents rather than in you. While a lot of teens behave that way, it's usually a symptom of a breakdown in communication and trust between parent and child. She's rapidly approaching an age where grounding etc will mean nothing. You need to be working very hard on moving your relationship with her towards one based on mutual respect and trust rather punishment and lie-telling.

sorry that should say "confides in parents of friends"

Can you officially "find out" by asking the organisers of the event?

CailinDana she is not confiding in the parents but to her friend who then tells her Mum. So no punishment for her lie? We do have a good relationship although she can be secretive sometimes but I thought that was fairly normal in a teen?
Madrigals Yes I think we would have let her go she sees him most days(when not grounded!) We have no issue with him he is 15 and seems nice.
Ok I'm going to tell dh over a coffee in the garden.

I'm not saying you shouldn't punish her for the lie, but I do think there's a point at which punishments become a bit pointless. She is hurtling towards being an independent adult and is able to do a certain amount on her own, therefore rather than monitoring and punishing her you should be equipping her to handle that responsibility sensibly. Your original punishment (grounding) clearly didn't work - you relaxed it and she lied to use your lenience against you. So punishing again won't achieve anything I think. She is pushing against you, so you have decide boundaries that suit both of you and stick to them.
Why was she grounded in the first place?
In your shoes I would sit down and tell her you know about the lie and that you're not cross, you just want to sort things out with her. Ask her why she felt the need to lie and how she thinks the lying makes you feel. Then have a mature conversation about her boyfriend, going out etc and try to come to some arrangement that suits both of you.

Because you lifted the last punishment so she was able to go to this 'event' she has now again lied to you. Next punishment will have to be big and you will have to stick to it.

If she has a phone take the phone for a week and ground her. That will give her plenty time to think about what she has done and she will be grounded (not able to sit in room still communicating with friends and BF)

That's my dds most hated punishment, she's not bothered about being grounded with her phone.

Just tell her you know, you don't have to tell her how. You are the parent. You also lifted her punishment from before to give her a reward so she probably thinks you wont follow through with punishments even when you threaten her with them

Well we had a chat with her. Dh wasn't as angry as I thought he would be, more disappointed with the lie really. She lied because she thought we wouldn't let her go to her boyfriends house also she has fallen out with one of her friends and didn't want to go to the event as she would be there.
She was grounded for a week before because she wanted to go to a mixed sleepover at bfs house and we said no but compromised by allowing her to go very early the next morning. She decided to attempt to sneak out at half one in the morning! I caught her and her punishment was grounded for a week with the proviso that if she was polite,friendly and nice to her brother she would be allowed to go to the event.
So she is grounded again it does impact on her as she likes to see her bf and friends. Very tempted to take her phone but that would be like cutting off her arm .
We've gone over the ground that it was not the action so much as the lie. We had tears but a nice cuddle and chat after.

If you can tun that into a 'just talk to us in future' conversation and that you know she's getting older and able to be more responsible then some good will come of it.

If she can lie to you (again) and get away with a telling off and a cuddle, then I suspect that there will be more lies to come; the benefits of lying outweigh any sanctions imposed as a result of being found out.

Some of the behaviour seems to be related to the BF if I am not mistaken?

The previous grounding was associated with an attempt to go to a mixed sleepover at his house, and this infraction was because she went to his house instead of an event.

I think there may be a problem with the self esteem of a DD who sees having and keeping a BF as an element in her life that is so important that she would risk trouble with her parents to keep it.

I suspect from the two occasions where she went behind your back that she feels she needs to monitor the BF and other girls so was trying to get to the mixed sleepover at his house. I also suspect she has the impression she needs to do lots of 'facetime' with the BF and hence going to his house and not the event.

I think you need to tackle the issue of self esteem that is too wrapped up in the status of having a BF and insufficiently grounded in her own competence and future plans as an individual (and not part of a couple).

I think you need to take a long, hard look at the dynamics of the relationship with the BF.

In her peer group there may be status attached to having a BF. She may be anxious to avoid the humiliation of being dumped or losing the BF to another girl. Girls can be very competitive about boyfriends. She may be trying hard to avoid being seen as a loser.

Be careful that this sort of pressure (if it exists) doesn't lead to taking other risks in order to keep the BF. Some teenage boys know what valuable commodities they are in the world of teens and they are not shy of setting forth the conditions for having a relationship with them. For their part, girls who want to avoid losing the status that having a BF involves can do stupid things to keep it.

I think you should of taken the phone! The grounding doesn't make a huge impact as it used to back in my day (leans on walking stick ) because kids just socialize through facebook or that snapchat thing instead...

We cut off phone TV and internet (except for homework server) for a similar offence. Just over the weekend, because we could only withstand the strop for that long. We got a fortnight of sullen politeness and aggressive housework, which we took at face value. She really hated that. We were supposed to go ballistic.

Tee hee.