Just watched the bb3 Tyler porn programme and it's terrified me!

[Lijah]

Long term lurker first time poster

I have just watched the bbc3 programme with Tyger from outnumbered looking at the porn industry and this programme has to be honest terrified me.

A bit of background first. I was a teen mother, my dd is now a teenager, and because I was a teen mum (albeit now hurtling towards 30) I always assumed that we had a close relationship and she could talk to me about anything. I've always felt that because the age gap between us is not that large that she would be able to talk to me as I had been able to talk to my big sister, looking at her as a sort of role model who had been there done that and was much younger and cooler then my own mother. Up until a couple of years ago my dd even wanted to dress like me, I even had to get matching leggings and shoes so she could "look like mummy" how I miss those days!

She recently, atleast I think recently started her periods. She did not tell me this and I found out by tidying her pigsty of a bedroom and finding soiled underwear hidden at the bottom of one of her drawers, I told her what I'd found, bought her some sanitary towels and after a few chats and blushes that was that.

I believe that she now has a boyfriend. She's recently become attached to her phone and smirks at a lot of the text messages. Whenever I broach the subject of a boyfriend she gets a bit flustered and protests that she's not into boys doesn't want a boyfriend and although she is receiving a lot of texts from one boy, she definitely doesn't fancy him, no way, not one bit!

The thing that scares me most is history repeating itself, she's a smart kid but as she's a kid and more importantly my kid, I've always shielded her from all the struggles I've faced bringing her up when I was basically a child myself. The bbc3 programme has shown me how out of touch I am with the younger generation and their views on sex and self respect. I want to believe this programme is not a true refection on current teenagers beliefs and I know I did not share these girls views, for example that it's not ok to refuse anal sex and it's expected of you to always act like a porn star, but at the same time I know how pressured teens feel to act like what they think a grown up is these days. I am so scared she's going to get pregnant or that some guy will use her.

I guess what I really want to know is that how other mother's maintain a close relationship with their girls as I feel we're drifting apart. I know she's not a baby anymore, but she'll always be my baby and I want her to be able to talk to me.

I didn't see the programme, but my understanding - from various media, not from my DD - is that porn, horrible language and more 'adventurous' sexual activity is visible/known about etc from a horrifyingly young age now.

However, I read that 25% of girls have had sex before the age of 16, which isn't anymore than when we were teenagers. (government statistics website)

It's understandable that your DD is embarrassed about boys and her changing body even though you have a good relationship with her.

Let her know you have confidence in her ability to make good choices and support her in her choices eg in what she wears, taste in music, tv, boys etc and she'll be more likely to tell you about things without fear of disapproval, panic or a lecture. Don't let her see your worry - but boost her confidence generally by regularly giving her words of encouragement/praise/love etc so that she values herself as much as you do and has the confidence to withstand peer pressure to do things she doesn't want to.

I believe his parents are both involved in the porn industry

Why don't you talk to her about the programme? Has she seen it? Does she agree with it?

Use that as a starting point.

Tell her you know she is growing up, don' let her know you miss the days she wanted to dress like you, tell her what a fantastic woman she is becoming and stress the opportunities she has that you didn't because you were looking after her. Don't make her feel like she stopped you, just that your decision to be a parent changed your life forever.

And do talk about contraception.

Well regardless of who says what I shall be telling my dd that's it's ok to refuse anything that you have to think twice about, from holding hands to having anal sex!!
I am sorry you and your dd are not communicating well at the moment. My mum and I did not discuss 'personal' stuff at all and I've always tried to be the opposite with dd but I've struggled at times too.
Some of the strategies I've pulled it are:

• making it about another person's dd eg "I must ring X tonight, she's been so upset about her daughter Y who's been skipping school'
• using news stories and suchlike eg 'blimey did you hear that? Is there any of that at your school?'
• even Mumsnet threads eg 'I was a bit upset today about this thread on Mumsnet about young girls sending explicit pictures to older students, is that really the norm these days?' (And yes that was a recent thread and I did use it to start a discussion).

Dd has just had her third period, for the first two she was rather secretive beyond telling me she had started (I'd already given her pads etc ready). This last one she was much more open, accepted my help and advice willingly and quite enjoyed me providing the occasional hot water bottle. She has allowed me to put a discreet mark on the family calendar as to when she might expect her next period so we can start to predict her cycle, now that really is progress, as her dad and brother might notice it! HTH things are improving.

Also, ask her opinions of anything at all you think she will have an opinion on and listen to her without making many comments. If you can be a good listener she'll be more likely to tell you things.

I think you have to appear unshockable IYSWIM.

It's really hard at first, well I found it hard to listen to teenagers talk about sex. Well not sex but you know if they are telling you something that happened at a party, so and so did this with whoever or so and so had this video they showed everyone.

I find if you are calm and non judgemental about all that stuff they know they can talk to you about whatever you are going through and you won't get angry or upset or be disappointed in them.

My ds1 is 15 and bought one if his friends to me when he had a problem.
I asked him afterwards why they came to me and not the boys parents and he said "because I knew you would be calm and not embarrassing and you would help sort it out before you gave us both a lecture"

Great conversation starters springlamb

If parents don't talk to their children about sex, they will learn everything from elsewhere - friends, school, internet etc

There is no point in just telling your children not to have sex, they need more than that.
Conversations need to be open and non judgemental. They need to teach the understanding and need for consent all the time for every sex act on every occasion.

Unshockable is the key here.
My daughter tells me TOO much. She had sex for the first time (nearly 17) and told me about it. Good that she could and double protection etc but I really really really dont want to know any more than her just being extra safe (teen mum here too, was her age when I got pregnant - terrified is not the word).
Just keep gently talking to her, she will listen even if she doesnt seem to engage much.

All good advice here, maybe you should talk about yourself more with her too, day to day problems at work or whatever, just so that she gets used to talking to you about her things too.

I agree with unshockable, that is so hard and painful but seems to be the only way to keep lines of communication open with teenagers.