Cutting work hours to cope with teenagers?

[deepest]

We are really struggling to make this work ie increasing teenage emotional issues (I have 4) alongside more demanding/stressful academic support required from us, .... us getting older, more tired, less energy ..... both with very intense FT careers I feel it is a mad hamster wheel that it spinning out of control. Too much is a stake and this is not sustainable do I need to throw in the towel or drastically cut hours....has anyone else changed how they live and work when their kids become teenagers this is much harder to manage that when they were little....

I work 17 hrs pw, my two are year 10 and year 8. I think this is about right - I am home when they get in or very shortly thereafter and I feel the balance is ok in school hols. To be honest I think they enjoy the odd duvet day or trip to the pictures without me around.

I work most days, out by &.30am and back by 5ish, but I have the school holidays off. Not being a class teacher any longer, I bring nothing home with me and do nothing job-related at the weekends.
Like anthropology, the issues we had were more than the usual teenage kerfuffle, and freeing my time up has made recovery definite rather than a possibility.

When we moved here in time for the youngest to start secondary the plan was that I would go back to work full time. After a combination of being at home/working very few hours for a very long time, it was going to be MY time to develop a career, work all hours etc. DH is self employed and would adjust his own working pattern. The best laid plans...
The situation is totally the opposite and after a heart to heart with my sister (career woman, no kids) at the weekend, I feel really comfortable with it. In the past I have felt that she thought I was taking the 'easy' or 'lazy' option, but in fact she was quite emphatic that as long as we were ok financially, I should stick as I am. This was much better for her DN & Ns. DH and I have always been ok with the way things have worked out but it did feel good to have this validated by others (silly, I know, but it did).
My teens are quite complex individuals and the time we all spend together can be quite stressful, especially with the youngest who is going through a difficult puberty.
The little time I have to myself during the day, when not dealing with house/teenage/admin business, gives me an opportunity to reflect and recharge my batteries, develop strategies and plans of action so that I can try to be patient/tolerant/understanding/ proactive and really importantly Available to the teens. This is working for us.
They better bloody well appreciate it when I'm old, they can cough up the nursing home fees.

Thanks all this has been really helpful I have one dd with behavioural problems under CAMHS, another ds v stressed over exams in whom I see a vulnerability to depession (I suffer) - my marriage has been under strain...so for all our sakes - and so to get dd better, ds tipping into a a spiral of depression, and our family falling apart. I am going to make plans to go down to 3 days a week....and if they say no I will leave....

I have never gone back to work full time since my teenagers were born . My eldest is 18 and that one is needing a lot of support at the moment for various practical and emotional reasons. I had the chance a couple of times to work more hours but although the money and pension contributions would be great, I am glad it didn't happen now.

Deepest I feel your pain. I'm trying to get my DD onto CAMHS at the moment. I'm also considering my work options and totally agree with those who say teens probably benefit from having parents around even more than young ones do (or at least as much). I really hadn't expected this.

I can't give up work or cut down hours. We're barely scraping enough to get by as it is. I am wondering though about paying someone to come just for a couple of hours a day (I don't get home til 7pm and DH is around only sporadically).

If I could afford to cut down work hours for the next few years, I would. I have 4 as well btw two of them teenagers.

I had DC late so I had worked full time for over 20 years before DS1 was born. I went back two days a week and have stayed at that ever since. Actually I am 56 now and have decided to pack it in retire early.
DS1 (18) has certainly needed a lot of support in the last year.

I have nothing helpful to say, but I've found this thread useful. I always thought I'd increase my hours as the children got older but it's not worked out that way. I have ds13 and dd9 but my ds is not in school at the moment. I have a fantasy that it would be easier for me working ft if he was in school. I could skip off to work like everyone else I know, I'd have less domestic responsibility and more money. Reading this I realise my fantasy is a bit silly and I wouldn't be happy with it!

I like being about for my kids before and after school. I like the chats we have then. I hate what its done to my "career". But I feel its best for the kids so thats that.

These threads make me realise how lucky my mum was to have 3 easy teenagers

I find it extremely hard as a single 24x7 parent of 3 teenagers. I agree with everyone here - this is the hardest time of all.

I'm very lucky because I wfh but I do work full-time and I feel I don't give them what they need a lot of the time. Each of them expects me to know what exam is happening on which day and at which time, where that particular pair of socks is hiding, which shelf in the fridge the feta is on etc etc, and that's before we get on to the emotional issues, anxiety, depression.....

It's bloody bloody hard and relentless - especially when they lie, take you for granted, treat you like an idiot and then want money, haircuts, shoes, and cinema trips.

(I'm having a bad week)

I had this dilemma and gave up work (though it took a couple of years to plan for and save for).

Haven't regretted it at all. Teens need a lot of background support and some very practical support (endless food and lifts). My DS might have gone a bit off the rails if I hadn't been around...was getting into a peer group that wasn't great. I didn't have to fully interfere as such, but it was easier to steer him gently away as I was available to facilitate alternatives.

We are quite hard up now as I am not working but I think it's been completely worth it in every other way. Would recommend if you possibly can.

And agree that like springlamb I get a bit of time to myself during the day to recharge, which I am handling the strops of two teens much better than when I was working full time. I've got a lot more emotional resilience now as I'm not so worn out and rushing around. (Had very stressy Ft job before).

Thanks Comeheather good to hear that despite the financial sacrifices you feel fulfilled that you made the right decision. Do you plan to work again when the teenage years have past? I doubt I would get back in to my existing career - and I know I would not want to anyway I was thinking of retrainig/studying in this period -- but I suppose that all costs money now as well.

Interesting that no one has said they regretted it where as on the pre school threads quite a few found out it was not for them....

deepest. .i am going to retrain too during this period. I don't want to go back to my previous job. now I know what life is like when I'm not stressed i am not keen to return! I am going to do some distance learning but can't quite decide what.

sorry posted too soon. so yes I am planning to work at some point in the future. I do miss contributing financially to the family a bit.

Gosh, I'm so surprised how is thread went but really recognise everything everyone has said.
goblin - "teens and crumbling parents" - you're so right.
I marvel at the fact that I worked full time with three kids ( much from home for myself, but work nevertheless) and it seemed manageable.

But once they were all secondary school - and I thought it would be easier - no, it was harder. Perhaps it was all of the activities - sport, music, dance and fitting that all in. But it did allow us to spend a lot of time together going to and fro and it's that time which I feel made a difference - the constant hearing about their days and their issues. They don't save it up til you come home - you here it at the time, or not at all.

Overlay that with sick and increasingly dependent parents, then working full time was just impossible.

increasingly dependent parents Oh yes, especially for those of us who were older mothers.

My SIL did this. She gave up work to see her DC through the teenage years, exams & into university. Now they are off her hands she'd like to go back to work, but she's finding it difficult to get anything she wants to do. She doesn't for a minute regret her decision, though.

On the other hand, I went back full time when mine were 13, 16 & 17, after working just mornings for a few years. This has worked out well for us because I'm lucky enough to work very close to home & to their school. My workplace is flexible enough to allow me to pick them up from school, which means I can catch up with them immediately after school & then go back to the office for another couple of hours. I also go home for lunch if they are there. The teens know if they need me I can drop everything & go & sort things out. I don't think I could have taken on a full time job if it wasn't local & with the flexibility I have now.

I always thought it would get easier as they got older, but in fact it has been much more demanding in terms of the emotional support teenagers need. I really feel I have to be around for them. DS2 in particular has had some issues with depression & anxiety over the last couple of years, so I'm glad I've been able to be there for him.

I worked full time from when DC were around 10. I have to say I can see where you are all coming from. It was really tough.
I was lucky to work in a school and so had holidays free too, that made a huge difference. I second the taking them to sports club etc - time in the car was the most valuable talking time and when they open up. Teens have a lot of worries/issues/petty arguments at school/feel insecure!! You really don't expect it until it comes.
We got into a routine during the week - I was off to work often before they were up, they got up and got themselves to school, they them got themselves home again, got on with their homework (probably messed about a lot too!), I was back around 6:30 and DD always used to rush down and we would cook dinner together chatting if I wasn't taking one or other to a sports club. I'd then make sure I talked to each about what homework they had, if they were stuck on anything, how they were generally. We'd all then do homework or marking. Bit of TV time, then bed.
Our routine worked but I agree with above, teens have so many emotional issues and if I hadn't had the car journeys to chat in or ensured I made that time for them, plus the school holidays, I would have missed the opportunity to hear their worries or know if they were struggling. Also to hear the exciting things and make sure they knew I was proud of their achievements.
There are advantages though- both DC are very self-motivated and have lots of 'get up and go'. I am glad both DD, and DS, saw how hard I had to work to provide for them. Both had lots of independence early on. Both learnt how to organise themselves - they had no mum nagging if they'd remembered their folder/PE kit whatever else each morning. They had their own lives and space.
But I agree, the positives don't outweigh the negatives and it was tough.

I also second the dependent parents - that increased a lot as my DC went through their teens. I think I actually have taken more time off work to deal with parents in hospital or needing taking to appointments than to deal with my children's things/go to their school events. All these pressures you don't expect or think about until it happens.