Friendless teenage DD

[DaisytheStrange]

My DD has no friends. She is a lovely, quiet, intelligent girl who prefers to spend her time reading and watching obscure anime DVDs to socialising. In the past when she has tried to make friends it has always turned sour, with the friend ditching her in favour of more popular girls.

She now seems to have given up and is telling me that she doesn't actually like the company of other children and finds their interests boring and shallow

I'm really worried she is turning into such a loner. Her teachers tell me she spends all her time alone at break times, reading. They have tried to encourage her mix with other girls, but DD is quietly resistant. Counselling has been offered, but DD is refusing to go, insisting that she is not depressed but just wants to be left alone. I suspect she is secretly lonely and would love to have a friend.

Do any of you have teenage children who have absolutely no friends? How unusual is this?

My 10 year old DD2 has no friends in school. She's like your daughter - her interests (which include been a complete bookworm) don't mesh with the other girls in her year. She has friends outside school though, at her theatre group and dance class. I'm hoping that when she goes to her next school in September she will find like minded souls, even if there are only a few of them - that's what happened with DD1 who was similar. At the start, she found a couple of friends who were very like her. Now in y11, she has a much larger group of friends who if they don't share every obscure sci Fi fantasy interest she has, at least have some interests that overlap. DD1 is seen as very cool by a certain sector of her year group because she knows so much about her own areas of interest - she is the go to person to talk about trek, or GoT, or Dr Who etc. She also has friends outside school who share her interests. It gets better, as girls mature and widen their horizons.

I was like this in secondary school. I really didn't want to sit and talk for ages about make up, fashion and boys. I just found it incredibly boring. Looking back, after a while of being excluded, I started to exclude myself. I think it was just easier emotionally to do that, than to be excluded yet again.

I cant offer any easy solutions though. I don't have an SEN, and I do have lots of friends as an adult.

It doesn't always help though.

Dd goes to full time dance school. But still has the social problems.

Thanks for all your further replies - a lot of your experiences resonate with me and sound very familiar.

@turgiday: "after a while of being excluded, I started to exclude myself. think it was just easier emotionally to do that, than to be excluded yet again" I think that encapsulates my DD's current situation in a nutshell...

I've come to the conclusion that DD's personality is naturally strongly introverted, which is difficult in a society which favours extroverts and can sometimes almost pathologise introversion. I don't want her to feel there is anything wrong with being quiet and self-sufficient, but at the same time I think it would transform her life if she could just find one kindred spirit of her own age...

Maybe, as some here have suggested, it is a matter of tolerating school in the expectation that things will get much better once she starts higher education and has more control over her environment. Maybe things will change sooner - I keep encouraging her to participate in extra-curricular activities, but she can be very negative - all her interests are essentially solitary...

I think you are spot on with your observations on introverts in society. I find it's seen as especially unacceptable, if not wrong for a teenager to be seen as one.

My dd spends a lot of time on chat rooms lately. I have agonised over whether this is appropriate but she has friendships (of sorts) online. I hear her laughing and giggling in her room, she talks about 'friends'. I feel if she can 'chat' online she obviously has the ability to engage others and maybe this will help her in the long run. I don't know

I'm hoping it may be one of those situations that hurts us more than it hurts them. (This is what I tell myself!)