16yr old DS & DH just had a MASSIVE row and became physical.

[whosafraidofnaomiwolf]

I had to step in to split them up. I'm shaking like a leaf. they were bickering over DS drinking too much squash (! - yes, seriously), and they got worse and worse until DH exploded and shouted at DS to "get upstairs" he them lunged at DS, and sort of pushed the side of his head. DS stood up (he's now taller than DH, & faced DH and shouted back) they were definitely squaring up to each other. I jumped in like a boxing match referee (or whatever they're called), anyway - arms spread. And, with my hand on DS's chest sort of 'talked' him out of the room & up stairs into his room. We were all in the kitchen. DD (18) was crying, I felt like crying. It sort of came out of no-where. We'd been having a lovely evening up to that point.

Now we're all being uber polite, and DH is barely speaking to anyone. I don't know what to do/say or whatever? I can't allow DH to be physical with my children, whatever their age, but how do I approach this whole situation?

And I've got an exam tomorrow (not that it really matters int he scheme of things, but I'm supposed to be revising instead I can barely think straight).

I think I would just suggest everyone keeps their distance and cools off for the rest of the evening.

Say you will discuss tomorrow evening.

If everyone's emotions are running high you won't get anywhere tonight, give them time to mull it over.

Your DH was out of line completely. I would give him til morning to cool off and would then expect him to apologise to your ds

Thankyou MamaP, I could do with just that sort of calm guidance just now. DS is a pain sometimes, can be very arrogant and argumentative - he did push and push DH, but regardless I can't have him being physical with DS or any of the children.

Well done for dispersing it, OP.

How is your DS?

You say 'your' children - is your DH DS's dad?

Of course it isn't OK, but I have heard of this happening between fathers and teen sons in many happy, stable households, and many Greek drama has been written about it.

I agree, let them retract from each other, cool off and reflect, and I would leave them to sort it out.

It doesn't sound as if there has been an ongoing problem or pervious violence?

Later your DH may share with you why he is silent.

Probably horrified at himself. Good luck - make cup of tea, and unless anyone is crying or shouting, start your revision.

I would then talk to your DD about it and fond out how she is feeling.

Morning I can't do as we will all be stressed with the getting to work/college (exam)/school. I feel it's too big to open the can of worms at a time when we can't talk about it properly, but tomorrow evening I guess I'll have to broach the issue with the two of them.

Having been in a similar situation myself, i really appreciate how shaken you must feel. Try not to worry - normal family life will be resumed, however impossible it feels at the mo. And yes, definitely talk about it tomorrow when things have calmed down. Your DH may well need to rethink his parenting style now your DS is 16. This can be shock but a lot of the time it's a question of learning to let go and to walk away from confrontation.
Don't let it interfere with your exam. I promise you it's not worth it.

Your welcome, I have unfortunately been there myself. No one can push your buttons like your kids and it doesn't help when they've inherited their mother's parent's fiery temper. It does all get a bit much when your DH and DS start thumping each other.

It will all becalm and fine tomorrow, I wouldn't personally be expecting an apology to DS, but I would be expecting an agreement that it wasn't to happen again.

Sorry DH came in so had to change page away from Mumsnet: Yes Blu, DH is their Dad, and has always been very strongly against smacking or kind of physicality against them. I hope he is horrified at himself, I suspect he is. Have made him & me tea (one of the first things after).

Thanks everyone, it's good to hear that this doesn't necessarily mean they'll never speak to each other again , and that family life WILL go on. Just at the moment it doesn't feel like that.

I wouldn't get in between them in sorting it out - talk to your DH about how he is feeling - it is his responsibility to sort it out with your DS.

If your DS talks to you about it be factual and clear: if things get ugly something has gone badly wrong and he and his dad must find a new way to negotiate and communicate with each other. It's different no that he is an almost man and he needs to learn how men communicate with each other in a direct but non-aggressive way. And to talk to his Dad about it.

I would say definitely get involved if you are the voice of reason here, they both need you.

Your DH should be the first to man up and apologise. He is the adult. Tell him he must do this. He needs to assure you and DS that this is never going to happen again, ever.

Why did you switch from MN when he came in?

And the fact that you were on the eve of an exam is pertinent. Neither one of them was being considerate of you.

Sometimes people get into stupid arguments over trifles because they have too much spare time on their hands. Hopefully they both shoulder their share of household chores?

Did your DS say things that were very out of line to your DH? I say this because at 16 they need to be aware that they can't just sling out words without expect people to get very cross. It is significant that you said that he basically squared up to your DH and is taller than him. He needs to respect his father for his wisdom, as he will no longer be able to impel him to do things.

I went through this a couple of years ago - like you I stepped in and said 'noone in this house lays hands on anyone else'. That is a rule to lay down.

I would be gentle on all parties but firm on that point. I would say ideally your DS should apologise to his father and then DH can concede that he should not have raised his hand.

I thoroughly concur that this will roll over. Good luck with your exam.