Phones

[RussianBlu]

Do any of you have a child who point blank refuses to hand over their phones when told? If so, what do you do about it? I'm about to explode!

If its on contract cancel it. If pay as you go refuse to put more money on it and stop pocket money?

Thanks for that. I have threatened to cancel contract (its a very cheap one) but I worry about being able to make contact in an emergency. I also don't give pocket money as any I have given in the past (or any money as a gift) is wasted on junk food, drinks and sweets. I think I might just have to go in and take it and hide it somewhere. I had set a limit (which I thought was VERY fair in response to a number of stupid actions) of having the phone for school journeys and then putting it in the living room on charge at 10.30 pm each night but apparently that isn't good enough. I am tired of just hearing NO and everything turning into a fight.

Arm wrestled and hidden from my teenager tonight after I could not get her to tidy away clothes, get into shower etc. as glued to it. (Says she, munsnetting on phone )

I've never asked my DDs to hand over their phones.

Why in earth would I? I don't enforce lights out on any child over 11, as you have found out it just leads to fights you cannot win.

Leave petty pointless rules to school!

sinaroo exactly - DDs would just laugh in my face if I tried to enforce screen time/lights out, they know when their parents mess about on computers until.

As long as HW is done and the school bus is caught, I decline to enter into pointless battles with teens.

Can't say I've ever asked any of my dc to hand over their phones either. Is there a particular reason this is important to you ?

Depending on how old they are it might be that they aren't allowed to take them to bed with them or that they are confiscated when they are naughty. I can see why the op may need the child to hand over the phone.
take away all other privileges until it's given, if you don't do it you can't do x y and z, helps if there's an activity they rely on you to take them to.

I do very occasionally wander off with her lap top, but that's a standing joke over her total inability to put washing away.

Empty laundry basket is exchanged for lap top very shortly after.

There must be more behind this?

I don't remove phones but would remove any gadgets interfering with sleep...

Why do you want him to hand it over? Do you think he's using it for stuff he shouldn't?

Steal the charger ? Lol won't be functional for long then!

Pinch the charger?

Neither of my ds's ever bother with their phones - they're just used to call if they're away overnight, or going to be late from school or something. I have to remind ds2 to take his with him if he's going to a friends and I might have to change plans to collect him or something.
Dsds on the other hand........constantly in their hands, taking selfies, texting, bbm, snapchat, tweeting and face booking inanities to the same people they've texted already - completely ignoring the real live people in the same room as them!
Dsd2 has her phone removed every evening at 10pm because if it wasn't she would still be glued to it at 3 in the morning.
Removing it is also about the only consequence to bad behaviour that has any meaning for her.

take it away, replace with simple text/talk tenner job if contact is really that essential.

problem solved.

Yes.

I once removed it (from the shelf in her room) and she tried to grab it back from me - very ugly scene. I vowed never to do it again.

How old is she and why do you need/want to remove it? Is it because she is on it in the night or as a punishment?

I have removed DD phone several times, the first was after it pinged @ 1am on school night in bedroom. Found that content had got out of hand between a group of them, and DD (13) didn't want to leave the group to stand out from the crowd ... Turns out one of the group was 16 and it was him "grooming" the others with increasingly sexual comments, suggestions and pictures (including young teen girls topless). The girls, including DD, were no angels,and language was "rough".
Second major confiscation was for using phone to video in class .... One of the friends went in a rant/
Attention seeking bling in class. This could have got DD expelled.

So yes, phones regularly checked, as would rather help then with the boundaries, than see them suffer the consequences.

At various talks in school, with local police, at various youth groups speakers always advise parents to check phones of young teens, as there have been so many problems as children are exposed to situations they have difficulty dealing with including illegal (as in sexual) content and severe bullying.

russianblu are you going to let us know what you think of the replies?

Erm, yes Theas18 I am going to let you know what I think of the replies. How rude of me to have been at work all day today and not taken time out to check the thread. Is it ok if I go and get food cooked e.t.c and then come back in a while??

Apologies Theas18 for taking far too long to reply.

Thank you to those of you with helpful suggestions. Its reassuring to know that other people have experienced similar issues. I'm not sure I would be happy with my child laughing in my face at the prospect of handing their phone over, not do I consider it a petty pointless rule such as those made up at school (do you really think school rules are petty and pointless Nocomet?)

I don't really want to go into details as to why I want to remove the phone but lets just say a number of idiotic decisions have been made, culminating at the weekend and as a punishment I wanted to remove the phone. I did this for a day and then I decided that from now on the phone should be handed over from half ten every night. This is mainly to aid sleep and stop silly nonsense phone chats going on all night.

I plan again to ask for the phone to be handed over tonight and if it isn't I think I will just have to cancel it. It really annoys me that I pay for the phone and calls and then get shouted NO at from a child!

Yes some of them like impractical black shoes and ties are pointless. Asking to take off your jumper when you are hot is daft.

Parents having to write notes explaining why a 16 year old hasn't done her HW are utterly ridiculous, DD1 isn't shy she is perfectly capable of explaining herself (she had a perfectly good reason involving an Art exam).

Getting in a huff about skirt lengths, make up (which my two actually don't bother with) and DD1 doodling in books is pointless (DD1 doodles when she's thinking, it offends the HMI. Books should be tidy. All very laudable except DD1 is dyslexic and her books will never be tidy)

As for your DD I agree she should be punished for being irresponsible. I just suspect ongoing punishments lead to her being furious with you and forgetting the original reason. Preteens and teens love a reason to 'hate' their parents. She now hates you every night,

Teen -1 parents -0

Eventually you will get bored, forget or she will pocket her phone with out you noticing.

I think sometimes you can 'temporarily' cancel the contract. I have done that once, when DS was behaving badly I called the provider and canceled the contact. It was quite reversible and a while later I bottled reinstated it as I was so scared he couldn't contact me.

I can see why you would wish to remove a teenager's phone. It's not easy though. I recently made DD 15 switch hers off and leave with me overnight when a girl in her class kept messaging her late at night about her problems and DD felt she had to reply all the time. I felt it would be easier for DD to say to the girl that I had taken her phone.

It seems quite common for teens to be in hysterics , literally, when removed from their phones.

If your DC's phone is basic and doesn't have 3G I suggest powering down your wifi overnight might be an alternative ?
Agree about sleep !

That is a good idea about turning off the internets so it cant be picked up on the mobile. The phone contract comes with a bit of internet but I don't think our home reaches to the end bedroom anyway so unfortunately that's not going to do much. I think its that lots of people seem to have loads of minutes free so can call at any time of the night. Claybury, you are right, they do seem to become hysterical at the thought of not having their phones in their hands all the time. If I even ask to borrow the phone to send a text, I get a reply such as, Ok tell me what you want to say and I will send it for you'. I cant help wondering what is being hidden from me, or more annoyingly, they hand the phone over but insist on it having a password on that I cant know and it being turned off!!! Hello??? I'm paying for the thing so you can contact me not so you can talk nonsense with random people at all hours!

I had to literally wrestle my 13 yr old Ds phone off of him once before for bad behaviour, and although at the time it seemed like a fair idea as a punishment in my head, it resulted in an awful battle with him and in the end i had wished i had chosen another privilege to take away from him. It was horrible.
I totally understand how you feel but like others have said, and i learnt this lesson the hard way, with teenagers you have to chose your battles.
I think leaving it in the living room at 10.30pm until morning is fair though, i have thought of doing something similar with my Ds due to the late night texting on weekdays.
I'm just not sure how to go about it without it causing a riot lol

hysterical at the thought of not having their phones in their hands all the time

Extremely common. Phones are a massive part of their lives now. They would feel out of the loop without them. It's such a personal thing - so much more than a functional device: diary, photo album, address book, magazine.....

It's cool to text/FB/tweet etc very late at night and to text rather than phone even very close friends. Their messages are sent in the expectation that adults won't see them. Even gentle, nice girls use language that we wouldn't. They're addictive IMO. Checking for likes on instagram, FB, messages on What's App deliver a little hit of dopamine apparently.

The etiquette among most teenagers is that it's considered rude not to reply to texts, even late at night and it's fine to text someone until they don't answer as they've fallen asleep.

No advice from me - I battled with my DD over her phone until she was 15, then pretty much gave up; one of my parenting fails. On the other hand, now she's 17.5 and voluntarily moderating her phone use and sleep pattern reasonably sensibly and I think I have quite a good relationship with her.

i have felt like smashing it but resisted. its their 'life-line' to the outside world and never leaves their side.
problem here is that DS's dad pays for his phone contract so i have no say in it.....

I wonder what's going on that we have to be in a situation of either not wanting to face the battle of removing the phone or actually having to literally arm wrestle it from them. I don't think I would have dared not hand it over!