DD and sweets

[Ineedcaffeine]

Help! My 13 year old DD is constantly buying sweets. she's tall for her age, but is also larger than all of her friends.

we've had moments when she's got really upset about her size - about how she feels she's fat, that people laugh at her because she's bigger than everyone else (btw, DH and I have never told her that she's fat).

However, this does not stop her buying sweets: she's just been to Tesco with a friend and come back with two carrier bags of sweets!!
it's not like I don't let her have sweet stuff or the odd biscuit/packet of crisps - but it's like that's never enough :-(

when I stopped her having money, she would steal money from me - and also take snack-y stuff from the cupboards. we got round that, by making sure that she has pocket money and on the advice of a friend gave her a small box of "no questions asked" sweets/crisps/biscuits for the moments when only junk food will do. but this hasn't stopped her buying sweets. it's not even as if she'll only eat a few - she will eat the lot!

we have a healthy diet -with the occasional junk food meal - and there is always fruit available; she has a small cake/pack of biscuits each day as part of her packed lunch: along with a snack item (which is crisps on two days) - this as a result of her taking crisps because 'all her friends have crisps'.

when I ask her why she buys sweets, her answer is " I don't know".

we have discussed with her the need to eat healthily - my DH's family are all morbidly obese, and all have severe health problems due to this, so it's not something that is just a theory- my DD can see at first hand the damage that being overweight does to the body.

how should I deal with this? if I take her money, she takes mine: is it really something that I need to worry about? (I wasn't allowed sweets much as a child, so am not sure whether this is what's causing me to react like this). will she just grow out of it, if I leave her alone? I am worried that she'll become like my in-laws though.... but if I keep on, will I just make things worse?

I think the most pressing issue is that she is stealing money from you. I would deal with this first, as it's more serious than her 'need' for sweets. Does she know that stealing from you is wrong? Does she feel guilt over this at all? Have you punished her for this - not just for the sweet eating, but for the fact she has stolen from you and betrayed your trust?

Its difficult really,mostly because of her age,its not like when they are younger.

Personally i have a real issue with the way most people treat things like sweets,crisps,chocolate,calling it a treat,or saying "oooh naughty" their not treats at all,theyre not good for you and compared to good quality food they actually are pretty rank.

I think i would just stop buying all the crap (you shouldnt be eating it either fat or thin),if she wants to buy it with her own money fine but surely at 13 she doesnt have a huge amount of money anyway.

If she complains just dont make a big deal out of it,just smile and say something like "oh im not buying those anymore,i thought i would buy X for snakcs instead".

Op you have my sympathy. I am in exactly the same position with my DD and sweets. She's 12 (Y7) and since starting high school she has been awful.

Like your DD she has taken money from me in the past. She emptied out a change jar that we have in the hall within about a month, taking a few coins each day until just the coppers were left. She also used dinner money that was for later in the week (her school don't have cashless payment unfortunately). She'd then borrow from friends for her Friday dinner and of course then have to pay it back out of the following week's money. Day after day I kept finding more and more sweet wrappers in her pockets and school bag and couldn't figure out where the money was coming from.

When I realised I was really cross. She looked horrified when I used the word "stealing". She didn't see it as that, because she hadn't actually gone in my purse. She's stopped doing that now, but she still spends her dinner money and any pocket money / money from relatives. She has now started going to Aldi on a Monday on the way home, and buying multipacks and bars of cooking chocolate, to maximise the amount of sugar she can consume in a week. I suppose I should admire her budgeting!

She is not overweight at all yet (I don't know where she puts it) but we also have obesity in the family, and she has a close relative on both sides of the family with T2 diabetes.

I have always been quite strict with sugary crap so I think this is partly motivated by a bit of teenage rebellion, as she knows I really don't like it, and she does nothing to hide what she's been eating.

I have tried to tackle it by sitting down with her and having a sensible conversation about what is an acceptable level of sweets for her to eat. I have reduced her dinner money, and started issuing it daily. I've also said if any more money goes missing she will be on packed lunches every day. She would hate this because it means she can't sit with her friends at lunchtime, plus she hates carrying more stuff.

I give her £1.50 a week for sweets now, and sometimes she chooses to spend the money that should be for a drink on sweets instead. I'm also really trying to be more chilled about it because I think the "forbidden fruit" angle is encouraging her, but it's really hard because it really upsets me to see her eating all that crap.

Sorry I don't have a solution. I guess we just have to wait it out and hope they develop the maturity to manage their own diet.

I would prevent her from stealing from you- by keeping your handbag by your bed and not allowing her into your room.
Hide any stashes of money somewhere in your room that she won't look.

Then I would stop the pocket money and tell her if she needs something or wants something (within reason/ budget) you will buy it or give her the money and expect to see the item she has bought.

I would hide all sweet things- and continue with the box of treats idea- I would put in 4- 9 items and refill once a week. My mum used to hide food in the boot of her car- it would be harder for her to sneak out the door and open the car without you noticing and if you were out the car would usually go with you.

Continue to give her a reasonable amount of sweet things and junk food, but insist she does more exercise to earn it. Does she attend a sports club, if not get her to pick on, there are some which are very cheap, some which are expensive, you need to decide what's best for your budget and what she would be most likely to enjoy. Some leisure centres have a kids gym that charges £2 or £3 a time instead of paying a contract. You could drop her off with a drink and a healthy cereal bar, pay for her and leave her for an hour, maybe with a friend?

A good way to get kids to exercise is to get a dance/ fitness etc video or game for the wii if you have one, you could do it with her if possible.

I would make it impossible for her to steal money from me by hiding my purse, stop pocket money, provide packed lunches rather than dinner money, stop buying unhealthy snacks to keep in the house, model good eating habits, increase exercise on weekends and do all of this whilst never once mentioning her weight or appearance.

If necessary you could say that you are trying to improve the health of the whole family.

She may well end up an overweight overeater as an adult but at least you will be able to say that you did all you could.

My DS (13) eats loads of sweets and spends loads of money on them. She is very overweight but she isnt tall for her age, shes just really big and finds it hard to do the same activities as her friends. the best thing to do could be to give her some kind of reward if she eats fewer sweets.

I'm marking my place here. My dsd is 15 and from 13 ish has been awful with sweets and junk. She has pocket money which DH gives her to see her through as we only see her a couple of times a week and mum doesn't give her money but we've been thinking about reducing it as she's getting quite big. How do you say that though (well, you don't, of course!)

With her it's also massive Starbucks with whipped cream, macdonalds etc.

Hoping for some advice too OP

There must be some biological reason why teens binge on sweets. I wonder if I understood better it would be easy to dissuade.

You have my sympathy too OP. My 15yr old dd is like this. I don't know what the answer is.
Tobybox - I think you'll find that dcs stealing money from their family is FR more common than you think. It certainly isn't some really rare thing that means they are destined to follow a life of crime.

Thanks for your comments;

I could stop buying snacky stuff - but she has a younger brother who does so much sport that there's not an ounce of fat on him, and he likes the odd cake or packet of crisps; so he would suffer by me not having them in the house.

she has a healthy packed lunch - and I check her lunchbox - so I can see what she eats each day: but as she eats breakfast whilst I'm in the shower, and is on her own downstairs, I have no way of knowing if she puts any extra food in her bag (I have 'caught her out' with packets of crisps in the past when I've looked in her bag). I don't want to be policing her - it will just wreck our relationship, and drive the behaviour underground.

it does seem to be something that she does 'secretly' - we went to a party at the weekend, and she was sensible with the buffet; but that could be purely because other people could see what she had on her plate. at meal-times at home, she doesn't have large portions,or come back for seconds; so there's obviously something in her that needs sweets, but that equally feels shame in this need, so has to meet it secretly.

perhaps it is a teen thing - her period arrived today, so that could be something to do with it

You dont mention exercise?
Do you go swimming/ biking/ ice skating/ roller skating with her?

I agree the more you stop buying sweets, cutting her money so she can't etc. the more likely she is to steal off you, use her dinner money or borrow off mates.

I suspect it isn't the sweets that are important it's the feeling of control that going and buying them gives her.

I think you need to find a different way of letting her feel in control. Can you suggest she saves some of her pocket money towards something she wants or somewhere she wants to go and say you'll add X% if she mannages it.