DD (14) so unhappy - please help me marshal my thoughts

[LadyWellian]

DD (14, Y9) is so unhappy at the moment. There are three things going on - she is being bullied, she wants to move school and she has just generally lost all her joy. Both she and I wonder if she may be depressed, although DH is more of the view that how she feels is just part of being a teenager.

In the past year she has given up all the activities she used to enjoy. She got in with a new group of friends and has changed her hair, clothes and accent to 'fit in'. Her performance at school has dipped dramatically, but because she was not at the top to start with and is still not at the bottom, the school don't seem that bothered. On top of that, the way the GSCE options were set out did not favour the subjects she wanted to do, so I worry she has been forced into making the wrong choices.

The bullying is quite low-level and non-physical, centred on the fact that the dominant girl in DD's group is cross that DD is going out with a boy the girl has known all her life - I'm not sure whether this is motivated by jealousy or protectiveness, but she is spreading lies about DD and encouraging others to ostracise her.

So what to do? I've already deleted one rambling post in an attempt to be more concise (it hasn't worked - sorry!). I don't think moving schools without addressing the underlying unhappiness is the answer. We could afford private for the next two years at a push, although DH's employment situation is uncertain. But she is not at an obvious 'crisis' point (although I think there is some mild self-harming going on) so I don't know if medicalising the issue by trying to involve CAMHS would be the answer. It breaks my heart to see her so unhappy. Should we arrange for counselling privately? How do we know if a counsellor is any good? I was bullied as a teenager and it's only recently I've realised how much it has coloured my whole life. I want to help her regain her joy and confidence before things get any worse.

I am not an expert on any of this but I didn't want your post to go unanswered. I was bullied at school and it was miserable.

I'd say the bullying in itself sounds like it could be causing her unhappiness and low confidence. I'm not sure why you see it as a separate issue. If the bullying doesn't go away then I don't know what you expect counselling alone to do. In fact I think you could be sending quite a damaging message in doing counselling without tackling the bullying at the same time, because it could reinforce an idea that she is the problem and not the bully.

Have you approached the school about it?

Hi FairPhyllis. Thanks for answering - the bullying is the most recent part of the equation, which is why I'm treating it separately and not as the only source of the unhappiness. I'm trying not to colour the situation too much with my own feelings. We are monitoring the bullying closely, and it is DD's wish that we don't talk to the school about it just yet.

And sorry you had to go through it too, of course.

Oh gosh. I would find that quite a dilemma, because I very strongly remember not wanting my parents or the school to be involved because I thought it would only make it worse.

However, knowing what I do now about the life long impact of bullying - I agree with you about it colouring one's whole life - I think she does need you to step in here. She might be thinking that she can handle it on a day to day basis, but it's really not OK to try to do that because of the emotional harm you store up for yourself.

I don't see why you shouldn't also talk to your GP at the same time about whether she could have mild depression - I don't know anything about CAMHS but if the GP thought counselling was the way forward they might be able to give you a better recommendation for a private counsellor than you might be able to find yourself iyswim. Getting a GP involved before you reach a crisis point is the best time too.

I do think the school doesn't sound brilliant though if they are not concerned about her performance slipping. If their response to the bullying wasn't great I would think about another school, but I don't think you should take her out without even talking to them.

Exercise can have a really strong effect on mood - could you get her to do some sort of physical activity? Even if it's dragging her out for a walk every evening.

Can she move schools? She wants to and they don't seem to be doing everything they can for her anyway.

I very strongly remember not wanting my parents or the school to be involved because I thought it would only make it worse
^^

In the 1970s I was bullied throughout school and it had a profound effect on the course of my life. Not least dropping out of school at 16. The pattern you describe of changing to fit in (with the bad girls) and under performing at school is exactly what I did.

My parents never knew.
Fast forward almost 40 years and the subject of bullying cropped up in conversation. My mother was, by then in her 70s and was mortified that she had never known until then.

You say your DD wants to move school. Better now than later I would think. She could start a new school at the beginning of GCSEs instead of in the middle.

I was very unhappy at 13 - the school I was at just seemed, retrospectively, to accommodate and accept mild bullying. I spent a lot of time and unhappy effort trying to edit myself to fit in. I moved schools (to another local comp) and I can remember the relief being immediate - it was permissible in the new school for people to be themselves.

Echoing the other posters about maybe trying a multiple-pronged approach, but also, don't underestimate the effect of a school culture.

Is there another suitable school available?

The school is not addressing her dip in academics.
A better set of options might help her.
A change might help her re-invent herself again and get nicer friends.

Normally I would say fight through friendship issues if the school itself is working, but this school maybe isn't.

What does she want? Could you do a deal - change schools AND take up an extra-curricula activity (DofE?)

DD was bullied in Y9 and at the start of Y10 in a similar low-level but entirely confidence zapping way by girls she had been friendly with but who seemed to turn against her when she was going out with and then broke up with a very high-profile boy in the year-group. Very similar fall-out

We did try to get her moved to another school, but she didn't want to. I don't know if it would have helped, but if your DD is keen to, I would definitely look into it. We got the school to deal with the bullies, which they did brilliantly, but she has had a terrible year and developed a panic disorder which she is thankfully now getting help with from CAMHS. She still has a way to go to get back to the happy, confident girl she was, but things are a bit better and she is very keen to go to a different school/sixth form to do her A levels.

So sorry your DD has to go through this horrid bullying too.

Ah I missed that she herself wants to move school. I would give serious consideration to that then because the school doesn't sound a good fit on the academic front either. If she can get a new change of scene it might really give her a boost. Have you considered that the bullying might have been going on for a lot longer than she has told you?

However, I would look at this from all angles and talk to the GP too as part of an all-round approach. Also encouraging out of school friends and activities.

Yes, I agree that the bullying may have been longer/ worse than she says - we weren't really aware of how badly it was affecting DD as she didn't tell us everything.

As a mum who missed the signs of severe depression in her DD at 14, I would be cautious and have her assessed. I wouldnt move school until you have a bit more information on her apparent change in mood. I am not sure she would have enough signs to meet the criteria for camhs, although it is worth asking for the referral, so if you can afford it, look at an assessment privately. My suggestion would be to contact your local adolescent units in private hospitals(eg Priory) as the psychiatrists/psychotherapists there specialise in adolescents both NHS/privately. Some Camhs practitioners work privately too.

As the parent of a child who was bullied in year 7, and as a school governor, I would urge you to contact the school.

When DD was bullied the school was extremely helpful, and to this day DD doesn't know that I contacted the school. The learning mentor asked to see DD and told her that her teachers had noticed that she was unhappy and it was affecting her work, and asked what the problem was. It all came spilling out. The mentor then asked to see the perpetrator and some other girls in the class, who backed DD up and said that the perpetrator was lying.

Learning mentors are very experienced at dealing with situations like this and when I was worried about DD I posted on MN and the overwhelming response was to contact the school, and I am so glad I followed that advice.

As a governor I would be extremely cross with a school that didn't tackle bullying. At my school they recognise that bullying exists and will act on it, but they must know it is happening so that they can take action. So, from that point of view I would also contact the school.

Thanks, guys. We did have a meeting with the school before Feb half term as we were concerned about her drop in progress, and she had been obviously unhappy, with a lot of headaches and tiredness that had led to some absence and lateness where before her attendance had been exemplary. They said they were a bit concerned about some of the people she was hanging around with, although not any of the group she has been close with until recently. We agreed she would be put on report when she came back after half term, as a way of ensuring more of an eye was being kept on her, which they kept up for a week but then just let slide.

I certainly wouldn't consider moving without talking to the school, but I think you are right that we need to talk to them about the bullying. The trouble is she feels very alone at the moment as this girl is very popular and quite a forceful personality, so seems to be having a deal of success in getting DD ostracised. I also think talking to the GP is probably a good idea - it hadn't occurred to me that they might be able to recommend someone outside the 'system'.

Tilly, very sorry to hear about your DD. I haven't been on MN for an age but if I remember rightly, we are not a million miles away geographically. I hope she finds a great 6th form and rediscovers her mojo. As of course I wish to all your DDs who have suffered. Women are nice, right? So why are girls so awful?!

We're off to the cinema shortly so hopefully that will cheer her up a bit.

Thanks LW! Only another year to go....

"The trouble is she feels very alone at the moment as this girl is very popular and quite a forceful personality, so seems to be having a deal of success in getting DD ostracised."

That is exactly what happened to DD. The school moved the bully to another class and DD has never looked back. She made a new set of friends who have proved to be less flakey. Interestingly, all the girls who ostracised DD are now talking to her and don't have anything to do with the bully.

I wish I knew why teenage girls are so awful. I don't remember it being like this when I was a teenager, but we didn't have things like mobile phones/Facebook/Twitter/computers etc.

It's exactly how I remember it from 40 years ago.
I think that most people are not bullied and are therefore often unaware of the impact on those that are.
Teenage girls are masterful at the subtle, unobtrusive exclusion of an individual and pecking away at their self esteem.

You are so right yourlittlesecret

Yes, that is so true

Having never been bullied (and having built a very strong protective wall around myself from being a small child due to home life), I didn't immediately realise how DD was being affected by what others were saying and doing, and how debilitating the bullying was for my DD. It has really knocked her confidence and self-esteem right back.

Just wanted to say that yes, I agree talking to the school is important, but I'd also recommend seeing your GP too. I do understand the reluctance to medicalise what may just be normal teenage development, but in my experience (DD1 suffered from depression and panic attacks from about 14) GPs, counsellors etc are pretty good at telling the difference between normal and not.

We had great help from CAMHS, and it was only after about a year of talking therapies that they finally recommended antidepressants for her, so don't worry that they'll be rushing to stick her on meds - they won't. But they did all - GP, school counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist - gently say that I should have got help for her earlier.

So obviously I'm only going from my own experience, but I'd say it's less of a risk to ask for help than not.

Finally, though, it's great that she obviously feels able to talk to you about what's going on and how she feels - the fact that you have such a good relationship is and will be a huge help.

I'm in the same boat with my 14yo dd- she walked out of school on Wednesday and won't go back as she is scared :( she has upset the 'queen bee' who has subtly but successfully managed to turn everyone against dd - I'm heartbroken watching her go through it all, she is self harming too