13 year old son having sex with 13 year old gf

[ROCKQUEEN]

Was shocked to discover my 13 year old son is having sex with his girlfriend. They've been doing it in his bedroom, even though I said door must remain open. Pleased they are using condoms but said no way are they doing it here. She's not allowed to have him at her house and her parents are strict (her dad doesn't even know she has a boyfriend). They did it again, in my parents house (my dad caught them), then my husband caught them in my other son's room at it. I went round and told her mother. Although it was a bit tricky as she (the mother) doesn't speak English, although she understood me alright when I introduced myself and told her they were having sex. I thought she had the right to know. I have a 10yr old daughter and i would want to know. Plus I felt I was dealing with this alone and wasn't sure what to to/how to deal with it. I told the GF I wanted her to talk to her mum about the pill and I was worried an accident might happen. Cross with my son for being so blatant and not seeming to care where he does it, even though I don't condone it, I'm realistic to know they are not going to stop even though they can't do it here. She is no longer allowed here. Not really sure how to deal with it, how to deal with him. Any advice? thanks

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

70% effective!? Like 95% surely?

[Itsfab]

Good for you ghostmous3. I wasn't in a situation where I was being brought up properly so hadn't been told anything therefore had no idea. It really wasn't a problem or a big deal.

[ghostmous3]

Yes i can understand how you might not know if you havent been told or sheltered from such things. My parents were quite open about stuff, and I am too, to a certain extent.

I still dont think times have changed that much, my mum remembers people in her year having sex at 13 too, one had to go in a home for umarried mums and had her baby adopted.

[DieselSpillages]

If two children are both willing to have sex they will find a way. In an oversexualised world we expect our Dc to wait until they are adults but the reality is girls are having their periods younger and younger. At 13 she could have been sexually mature for 4 years.

The problem is they are physically ready for sex but not remotely mature enough emotionally to deal with the possible consequences.

I think just banning them from going out or seeing each other is very difficult to police and causes a lot of conflict. They need to understand why it's not acceptable, what the risks of teenage pregnancy are.

It is not easy. I have had trouble keeping my Ds and his girlfriend from having sex, especially as the girls mum is ok with it .

At least you and the girls' mum are in agreement OP. Without condoning their relationship they need to understand the importance of birth control because they will find a way to have sex if they really want to.

[DownstairsMixUp]

Condoms are over 90% effective! The trouble with kids is they a) they might not use them properly and b) underage boys sometimes won't fit the standard sizes sold in shop, though you can go to clinics and they offer smaller sizes. I disagree that it happens "everywhere" i think it very much depends on the school. I was (unlucky) enough to go to two secodnary schools as a kid, the first, boys and girls were very much going out but it was excitement over kissing and holding hands and it was such a huge big deal to wait and lose your virginity when you were older (and we were 14/15 so not little kids!) then the next school I went to at that age people had been at it for years, one girl had left being pregnant! I found the education at the first school was better about sex ed though and it was pretty shite at the next one.

[Itsfab]

I wasn't sheltered. I just wasn't being looked after.

My kids have a mum and therefore have been told what is age appropriate.

[bevelino]

I read this story and thought hmmm!

[ghostmous3]

Why hmmm bevelino?

[Wordsmith]

I can only imagine the comments to RockQueen about stepping up her parenting and just saying no, don't have teenagers yet or have those little angels I'm told some people are lucky enough to end up with .

Almost as soon as my son turned 13 the hormones kicked in and he became argumentative, sneaky, evasive and secretive. I know for a fact that things he has told me he doesn't do, he does. Nothing like having sex, drugs or smoking (I'm pretty sure) but just what he watches online and things like that.

He's 14 now and doesn't have a GF but if he did and was having sex I really don't know what I'd do. But it wouldn't be for lack of guidance and parenting, and I'm sure it's not for you, RQ.

It can't help if you are not being supported by his father. Does your DS know that his dad thinks it's okay for him to have sex? Because if teenagers suspect a less than united front they'll exploit it for all it's worth, "Dad says it's OK, you're just being sad," etc.

If I were in your situation I would try and make sure you had a united front with your DH and parents, and your ex as well. Your DS obviously knows what the rules are as you have told him, but he must know that he can come and talk to you about it - he probably feels as scared and worried as you do. Make sure the lines of communication are kept open and he doesn't feel shut out from you. He's still a kid and needs his mum.

Yes, tell the school, they need to know. And tell him you are telling them. He'll hate you for it (for a while) but they will hopefully talk to him about it in a caring and discreet way.

Good luck - I'm sure he'll come through it and so will you x

[alita7]

Exactly wordsmith, I also think many of the people telling her to step up her parenting can't remember being teens themselves! you don't have to have had sex underage to understand that parents don't have complete control over their kids actions, you only have to have lied once!

I did get caught after about 6 months of having sex with my bf at the time. Mum managed to stop me having sex with him while we were still together, because his mum worked with her, although we would have had a few opportunities but he was worried his mum would find out.
We broke up after about 4 months and I'd met someone else, I slept with him pretty soon, and managed to get away with going to his after school (I was 15 by then, he was 17 and had left school). I lied, mum wanted me to go to her work straight from school until she finished at 6, I did school play and managed to convince her I was going every other evening for 1 tiny part, which allowed me extra time and I started turning up an hour or so late to the charity I was volunteering for as I was going to his first, I told them I had gcse stuff after school and mum picked me up from there about half 6 none the wiser. I also used the gcse work club excuse with my mum after school.
You can't stop your child doing ANYTHING because you don't want them having sex, so I exploited that and did things she would believe. You have no idea if your child is genuine or not with these things and as for a few months she thought I was still with the other bf, and then I said I was single, she didn't think I was able to have sex...
It was hardly her fault.

[leedsgirl231]

I was 14, I told my mum and she cried. but now I look back, and see things like this, and realise I was way too young. Im still disgusted with myself.
Talk to DS about it, give him a proper talk, and let him speak first. Say, "do you want to talk to me for a bit about gf?"
and let him in his own time, don't shout even though you're livid. Let him talk and bring the law, the birds and the bees talk, everything. from start to finish.

[mathanxiety]

I am (perhaps unnecessarily) concerned that you are a CM and all this is going on under your roof. Were there children in your house during the times the DS and GF were having sex? Do your charges have access to the DS's bedroom or anyone else's bedroom or are those parts of the house off limits? I am concerned that small children may have seen more than their parents would have wished them to see since the DS and his GF are clearly very uninhibited.

Could be barking up the wrong tree here, and not wishing to pile on worries..

Has any teacher ever mentioned any sort of lack of normal emotional development wrt your DS?
Impulse control problems?
I would ask the same of the GF's parents but they are not here to answer.

I ask because it seems to me there is possibly a lack of perspective here on his part as to how his behaviour is being seen even when adults have walked in on them, and a lack of attention to consequences (because condoms burst occasionally, and given that they are 13 I doubt they used condoms every time from Day One), plus perhaps a lack of ability to control impulses.

The problem could lie with the GF too of course.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Mine weren't angels but at this age they were more interested in sporting activities and gfs were something on the horizon.
I do think as a parent you can steer your children in the right direction and stop them from doing the things you feel are wrong.
We certainly wouldn't have allowed this behaviour and by saying there's nothing you can do about it you are condoning it, imo.

[maddiebrowns]

Ignore all of the ancient, rusting other women who seem to be blaming you, and saying that it is your responsibility to put an end to this.
Do not panic.
Unfortunately, no matter what precautions you take, if they've started having sex, they will not stop.
Instead of restricting him, open up, lay down some important ground rules about respect for your house, protection etc.
Grounding him will only result in him and his girlfriend doing the dirty on school grounds. It's the sad reality check that I am oh so familiar with. TRUST ME.

[Itsfab]

How rude.

[mathanxiety]

Not just rude.
Silly, and contradictory too. Because the argument is that the OP's lack of coolness on the one hand and lack of ground rules on the other has caused this.. Thus blaming the OP, and making it plain she can't win no matter what she does.

Two people madly in lust with each other will magically mature and feel a little sense of responsibility to themselves and the sensibilities of others if only the adults in their lives could get over themselves and start being sensible?

[deepinthewoods]

But these are not just "two people" these are children. They need pretection from themselves and each other.
Thirteen year old should not be having sex.

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Ghost, the sex aside, why weren't the police concerned about your violent son making threats to his sibling and being violent generally?Sorry for your problems, but I think I would have racked it up and got SS involved.
And all those people who wonder how teens find a way? In our lovely quiet town, they go down the woods.

[DownstairsMixUp]

Surely the above though would depend on the child?! That's a sweeping statement I think. As much as I was desperate to go against my Dad and thought I knew everything, no way would I have gone to the woods for a shag at 13! I had a bit of self respect and was still really aware of my body and how I looked going through puberty n'all. It really does depend on the child if a parent puts up all barriers to prevent it and they are quite happy to shag in the woods/park whatever. Not all kids would do that at all!

[Tallandgracefulmum]

To be honest OP I do not have DC that are teens, but I am the last of 4 siblings and have older nieces and nephews all aged between 15 -26. So using that experience, you let this happen. I remember my brothers and sisters letting their kids friends come around but they stay downstairs in the living room and or garden. Friends were not allowed round the house when adults were not in and sleep overs banned once they hit 12/13 especially if they friend had a sibling of the opposite sex. Yes you cannot wrap them up in cotton wool, but you can make it harder for them to sneak around etc. At 13 they are not the age to just find somewhere to have sex, older teenagers tend to try and do this is if they have no shame. Hopefully you can move on maybe counselling as 13 is way too young to be having sex.

[Alita7]

This is definitely not normal and he will only get worse until you have no self esteem and think you're not good enough to leave as you couldn't handle being alone and no one else would have you. You may love him and he may love you, but sometimes love isn't enough. You can love someone who is terrible for you. He will beat you down so gradually you barely notice.

If you can't have a heart to heart about how he makes you feel then please leave!

And do the pregnancy test and leave even if it'd positive.

[Alita7]

what the hell I was reading a totally different thread sorry!!!!

[Kate2507]

I don't know we're to start.....I got a call 2 days ago from the school to advise me my 13 year old daughter is self harming if thinks couldn't get any worse they called today to advise she is having sex .....she does care and wishes she could change it all, but she seams vacant as if it's nothing the boys weren't even bf..... I don't know what to do .....my family are looking at me as if it's my fault but I have always been open with my daughter regarding sex ....am now faced with pregnancy tests and std test ...my heart us breaking so is still only a child x

[Heyho111]

I think but could be wrong that it isn't statutory rape. It's consensual underage sex. I'm sure I read that if they are both underage and willing participants it's not rape. I think the cut off is 13yrs. Even if one is 16 and the younger is 13 or above and both willing it's seen as consensual underage sex again. It said that because the age gap is deemed reasonable.

[p123m]

I have 7 children, the boys are 15, 12 and 10, and the girls are 17, 16, 14 and 13.
The 14 and 13 year old girls are both very introverted and don't like to open up about anything to me. The 14 year old loves school but doesn't seem to be very happy and doesn't like to expand her comfort zone and try to make more friends. The 13 year old loves music and is constantly on her phone or computer, she also suffers from anxiety. The 13 year old also wants to start her own youtube channel to post music covers but I'm worried about her privacy, but I don't want to seem like I'm forbidding her from doing what she wants. I don't know how to get my girls to open up to me. I don't want to seem like I am interfering but I feel like I'm drifting apart from them, and I never experienced this with my other girls or my 15 year old boy, so I'm not really sure how to start a conversation about this. What should I do?