13 year old son having sex with 13 year old gf

[ROCKQUEEN]

Was shocked to discover my 13 year old son is having sex with his girlfriend. They've been doing it in his bedroom, even though I said door must remain open. Pleased they are using condoms but said no way are they doing it here. She's not allowed to have him at her house and her parents are strict (her dad doesn't even know she has a boyfriend). They did it again, in my parents house (my dad caught them), then my husband caught them in my other son's room at it. I went round and told her mother. Although it was a bit tricky as she (the mother) doesn't speak English, although she understood me alright when I introduced myself and told her they were having sex. I thought she had the right to know. I have a 10yr old daughter and i would want to know. Plus I felt I was dealing with this alone and wasn't sure what to to/how to deal with it. I told the GF I wanted her to talk to her mum about the pill and I was worried an accident might happen. Cross with my son for being so blatant and not seeming to care where he does it, even though I don't condone it, I'm realistic to know they are not going to stop even though they can't do it here. She is no longer allowed here. Not really sure how to deal with it, how to deal with him. Any advice? thanks

[DownstairsMixUp]

How will they find a way if you stop them doing it in your house unless you feel your son is the type to do it in a park or whatever if needs be? 13 isn't 15/16, it's a child. I would be grounding him and ensuring it doesn't happen. Kids have mobiles nowadays, it should be a lot easier to track where your kids are. If possible, pick him up from school to, get the parents phone numbers so if he ever dissapears you have them to get hold of and find out if he is with the daughter. It's so sad. It's not even just the fact he is having sex already, it's the blatant disregard for your rules and lack of respect for you to.

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

Ledkr The law may have changed but I think it is still girls who are protected (due to the greater risk to their bodies). But yes, he is 13 and also has a developing mind. What kind of husband/partner and father is this preparing him to be, other than a young one? How will he feel in the future if he has left his girlfriend with a child to bring up and he has to explain to every potential partner he fathered a child when he was a teenager? Does he want to go to college, travel, or have the chance of promotion and a career (it often entails moving these days)?

They may argue that they love each other and want to stay together. So tell them: respect each other and consider how to be a parent to a teenager themselves. Build trust and communicate and be trustworthy, respect one another and one another's extended families and communities. Don't bring shame and embarassment through your choices.

Well done for telling the girl's mum, OP. This is a very hard situation, but remember they are precious children themselves. They have their health, it could be so much worse.

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

I think what I find disturbing about thw idea thet 'you can't stop them' is it ties in with the idea that men 'need' sex and once they start they cannot go without it. That needs to be addressed, being clear that it is a lie, whether they carry on or not.

[DownstairsMixUp]

Well said yegod They are 13. They are fuelled by hormones at the moment, "sex" is not on their list of needs!

[findingherfeet]

I also think some of these responses are unfair...13 year olds do have sex as shocking as it may be, they certainly were when I was at school, children are exposed to very adult and sexual images/music/tv and grow up (too) quickly.

I think you did the right thing telling the girls parents and now all you can really do is enforce separation as far as possible and supervise and inform your son of the risks and the responsibility he needs to take.

I used to work with teenagers (using drugs so different issue) but there might be a counsellor/youth worker or group he could access to speak with someone who isn't 'mum' about teen issues perhaps...

[ROCKQUEEN]

I live with my ds, his twin brother, my 10 year old daughter and my new husband who has no kids of his own. When I told their dad about ds's activities,he just said at least they are using condoms, he didn't even seem upset. I, my husband, and my parents hit the roof. I'm so upset his childhood has disappeared like this. I let them upstairs because I thought at 13 they wouldn't be anywhere near ready for sex, they have only been dating 3 months.They are both 2 months away from being 14, I was not ready for that at all at that age,so stupidly assumed they wouldn't, although did insist on bedroom door being left open. We live in the middle of nowhere and I have to drive my kids to and from school. I was also going and collecting her and bringing her back to my house during Easter hols (like a mug) as I felt guilty there is no bus or other way for the boys to get into town or their friends to get here. The GF has now been grounded by her mum, I have told her she is not welcome here. I sent my son to his dads for 4 days after the grandparents house issue. and again last weekend (that was before my husband caught them again). It will be very hard for them to see each other out of school. It never occured to me to tell school, thanks for the advice on that one. I'm upset that people assumed I'm not 'stepping up', I didn't say I was or wasn't, I'm new on here and didn't want to write too long a message with tons of details as it might be too much for people to read. I'm very upset my son has lost his innocence at 13 and angry at his rebellion, I've never been a soft touch and can't stand 'wet' parenting. I work as a childminder and the families I've worked with over the years have told my how lovely and well behaved and what a credit to me my own kids are,it helped them make their decision to send their little ones to me.
However I ended up being a rebel at 16, lost my virginity to a much older man, left home, got into drugs. Now i'm a well balanced hard working mum, but I used every trick in the book to get what I wanted as a teenager. I told lie after lie after lie to my parents. So I can't ground him forever but when I let him have a bit more freedom,is he going to keep it in his pants? I doubt it..... where there's a will there's a way, which doesn't mean I agree with it and I'm sure as hell going to make it as hard as I can for him

[chocoluvva]

Some teenagers make it their mission to rebel. There's no one way of parenting teenagers that is right for all of them.

I too was a very strong-willed teenager, despite my shy quiet manner and gentle ways. Surprise surprise my DC were the same. My DD is described as sweet and gentle but she didn't seem to have the concept of respecting my wishes or taking good advice. Saying no to her was often a carefully considered decision based on what she would do to get round or do instead. Very difficult.

I'm sorry your DS and his GF have been sexually active at such a young age. It doesn't mean he's going to be promiscuous though.

I'm not being funny, but I'd try very hard to get him involved in activities that keep him very busy, preferably involving physical exercise. Easier said than done of course.

[claraschu]

It sounds like you are doing everything right and I am very sorry you are having to deal with this.

Some of the comments on here are very judgemental; it's easy to feel self-righteous before you have your own rebellious teens. Also some teens are not difficult, and this can be down to luck and temperament, rather than brilliant parenting.

[Ledkr]

When my ds was at school two classmates were caught at it at 12. Big shock waves around the school, mother devastated.
They are both in their twenties now, not together and the girl is married with a child.
I really feel for the op because having raised 3 teen boys I can assure you that it's impossible to know exactly what they are doing at all times, if it were that easy then there would be no drug use teen pregnancy or any other type of delinquent teen behaviours.
I think you should call ss for advice. In our area there are designated teenage sex counsellors and advisors, maybe they could offer support..
I'm a sw and we hardly bat an eyelid these days at underage sex it's so prevalent.
Very sad.

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

Rockqueen I can see youre running through this in your mind, looking for things you could have done differently. I'm sure you did what you thought was for the best at the time, it's all any of us can do.

What's done is done, leave it behind and steer your son towards some rewarding and interesting (male) clubs, sports and pastimes.

How are his school grades? There was a news article a while back highlighting how being sexually active lowers grades, and holding off/abstaining and keeping your mind on other things raises exam grades. Something for your son to consider.

[IdaClair]

I was having sex at 14, if it helps I don't feel like I lost my innocence. If they are 14 in two months does that make them younger in the school year? So they may be 'keeping up' with others in the school year who really are heading for 15?

I am sure you could stop it if you wanted to, but I would be wary of them casting themselves as star crossed lovers.

[DownstairsMixUp]

Rockqueen you are doing the best you can now and that counts for something. I always find the "I did this at X age and am fine" that's all good, but for some people, losing virginity at a really young age does turn out differently for some, my DP being one of them (it effected him massively and I won't go into an essay here) but I think that's why some parents Do want to protect because there is that potential for it to not feel the same in a few years. Kids think they know everything, they want to drink, have sex etc etc but they don't always know what is best for them. OP you are doing the best thing now, you sound like your trying your hardest and are concerned for your son and that's the most anyone could need from a Mum. Good luck OP!

[DownstairsMixUp]

Ps your attitude is good now, don't make it easy and don't be enabler! I look back on my Dad now and think he is a great example the way he was back then, though when I was 14 I thought he was too strict and hated the fact I couldn't have my boyfriend in my bedroom. Think that's part of the parcel! Now I'm an adult I appreciate why my Dad did those things and certainly didn't feel like i "missed out", I am glad he put them barriers in place so I could have a few years of being a kid a bit longer. :)

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

OP, do you have parental controls on you DS's phone/laptop/computer/ipad etc? Consider getting a keylogger on his phone and main email computer. Parental control showing who he phones and emails when, and giving you the power to block the numbers at least. (Though they can find ways around). I haven't used a keylogger but it is something I would do in these circumstances, or any where I felt my child had a strong need to lie to me and could be putting themselves or another in harms way.

[Vijac]

Is it just me who doesn't think it is THAT terrible. Obviously it is not ideal, should not be encouraged and it is really important that they use multiple forms of contraception. But on the other hand children develop at different rates, some may be more ready at 13 than others at 18. At least the are both 13 and in a relationship. So presumably fairly sweet and fairly innocent first fumblings and more. Better than at 17 with a 21 year old who's been with everyone on a one night iyswim. Try not to worry too mich just get in with the sex ed

[alita7]

My honest view is that you may feel he has lost all his innocence but I was only about 6 months older than him when I first had sex and I do not feel any regret. I had early puberty and feel I was ready and it was right for me, he was someone I had been good friend's with for a while before we got together and we thought we were in love, it was a good way to loose it and in subsequent years when friends were scared or worried about sex I was glad I didn't have that concern.
its easy to forget that we used to he married off as soon as we got our periods!

Having said that I'd find it so hard if my child was only young especially if they didn't act or look mature for their age.

I think you've done the right thing in terms of what other parents and the authority would say BUT I'm not sure it's right for him, though I'm not sure how to get round that issue, now he's done it he will suffer with sexual frustration and that may affect his concentration on other things like school, as will pining for his girlfriend who he can now barely see :s

I am perplexed and shocked at how in discrete they were though! I was a master liar and super sneaky and would never have been so disrespectful as to do it in their home, as I wanted to respect their views even though I had decided my body was mine and it was my decision. I agree with punishing them for that. especially doing it at his grandparents, I don't know anything about your family dynamic but I would never ever have considered being so horrendously disrespectful to my very religious grandparents.

[ghostmous3]

I have every sympathy to be honest, I found out my ds aged 13 having sex with his 13 year old girlfriend last year, the first i knew was when the school rang me and told me as they both had been to speak to the school councillor about it and of course I was informed.

I was horrified, I have had some real issues over the years with ds, he has some behavioural difficulties due to aspergers sydrome diagnoses and adhd, and is very physically mature and old headed in some ways but very vulnerable in others and to be honest not as much freedom or so i thought as many of his peers.

i spoke to the school at length, and social services who were also informed, surprisingly they decided to take no further action as they were both very clued up on protection, both were willing and the girls mum was fine about it which shocked me. The school werent that shocked either, they get 11 year olds worrying about pregnancy which i found so sad.

I banned ds from seeing his girlfriend outside of school,it didnt work, ds is violent anyway and attacked both myself and his sisters, i took x box away and his phone, he smashed my house up. I used to take the ddsto dance and he would sneak the girlfriend in the house, he would walk out the house and tell me he would hurt his 3 year old sister if I stopped him, he would then meet her and go anywhere, I tried the police they were not really that bothered.

Eventually, after talking to the school and the team around the child or together achoeving change team, they told me that ds and his gf would find a way whether i banned him or not and I have backed off, her mum has made sure she is on the implant and ds is nearly 15 now and they are still together, I wish they werent because they are not good for each other but banning them would mean both could potentially run off, If i ever catch them in my house i will send him to live with his dad who funnily enough is not bothered, he was at it at 14 too and her parents dont care either.

oh Ive been judged, been told I am a shit parent and i probably am but when you have been used as a punch bag by an angry 13 year old with problems and your 3 hear old daughter has nearly had her fingers severed in a door by him and your doors and walls have been smashed in then a clued up 13 year old who researched it all and went and bought condoms and told the schoolhimself then it wasnt top of my worries. I had more to worry about with my 10 year old dd who because of her brothers violence towards her developed an eating disorder and she had to have specialist councilling, my other much younger dds are terrified of him.

Anyway ive rambled on, sorry. Things are much better at home, the violence has stopped due to me not being afraid to phone the police, he has stopped smoking, he is still agressive towards the girls though.

Teens will find a way, particularly one like mine.

He was lovely until he hit year 7 btw, he fell apart in years 7 and 8, was finally diagnosed with aspergers at 13 and hopefully things are calming down.

He is very antidrugs and drink though which i found surprising. Hes not one for hanging around on street corners like most of the teens round here

[ghostmous3]

I did for a long time make sure he was never alone in the house (after i found out he was sneaking the gf in the house). It would always be on a sat and I made his dad take him to his all day on a sat and took his key off him so he couldnt sneak back in

[spanky2]

Too young, but too late for that now! Like you I wouldn't expect 13 year olds to have sex either. At least he is in a relationship and not a series of one night stands.

[MrsAtticus]

From the perspective of someone who was sexually active at this age, the girl will thank you in the future for putting a stop to it. These are children and not emotionally ready. My early experiences affected me for a long time.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

You sent your son to his dads as punishment for 4 days after he was caught having sex at his gp's house.

This is the same dad that wasn't bothered when you told him his ds was having sex?

Not sure why that would be a punishment, tbh, more 'oh, if you want to have sex, go and stay with your dad, he isn't bothered as long as you use condoms'.

What an odd decision on your part. How on earth did you think packing him off to his dad's was going to persuade him that he wasn't to sleep with his gf?

[spanky2]

I think it was a good idea so Rockqueen could calm down! The problem is if you get too strict they think they are Romeo and Julliet.

[Itsfab]

My son is 13. I can't imagine a child so young having sex. Things seem really different now for me. When I was 14 I didn't even know what sex was. I was very innocent.

RQ - I really hope your son doesn't make you a grandparent in the near future and that both children don't live to regret their choice.

His dad sounds like a dick head tbh and I suspect he is all that's my boy!

[ghostmous3]

I sure as hell knew what sex was at 14! We had sex ed at school at 11 and had a boyfriend of 18 when i was 14. Didnt lose my virginity until 17 though.

looking back though, there were a quite a few in my year having sex at 13 or 14, it wasnt unusual. One girl had an abortion at 13 and this was the early nineties.

I don't think times have changed all that much.

[spanky2]

A girl at my school was on her third abortion at 13 and was one of 3 girls to have babies at 15. That was in the 80s. Make your DS watch the episode of friends where Ross realises that condoms are only 70% effective!