Advice needed regarding 15 year old DD please

[baconfrazzles]

Hi all

I posted on here about 6 months ago after my teenage DD moved out of home in a strop as she didn't like the fact that DH and I have boundaries and rules. DD is from my first marriage and has gone to live with her dad, stepmother and half brother. DH and I have two younger children.

Basically she is still living there, and her father lets her do exactly as she pleases. He was abusive to me when we were married, and warned me that one day he would have her living with him. He doesn't encourage her to contact DH and I. We rarely hear from her or see her (she won't answer her phone if I call her), and she will only come here when it suits her schedule, ie she wants to meet up with friends that live in our village, or there are no trains going back to the town where she lives with her dad. When she is here she is rude and won't turn lights out, taps off or put anything in the bin. She seems to think that living elsewhere means we will just be grateful to have her here and not make her do anything. She is so rude to DH and I, and I feel uncomfortable when she is here.

The other thing is, I am non contact with my parents and sister, as I was emotionally abused whilst growing up, and DD has got back in contact with them and is seeing them all regularly, and from what I gather they seem to be actively encouraging her not to speak to DH and I or move back in with us.

Since DD has been living with her father she has also been getting in trouble at school; she has been suspended twice, and in trouble for all kinds of things. Also her behaviour on FB is inappropriate. She has also become friends with a girl who has a really gossipy mum who lets DD stay there (they live a few houses away from us) without telling us she is there.

Basically, it is the fault of the toxic so-called "adults" I feel. To DD we are just second class citizens and people to use and treat like dirt. She literally only comes to see us if there is something in it for her. It isn't the relationship I wanted with my DD, as obviously I had a rubbish relationship with my parents, and I've always tried to be a friend as well as a mum. DH has also been an excellent step dad to her, since she was 3 years old. She refuses to even speak to him now.

What can I do?

Bump

Teenagers can be very manipulative and if she can do as she pleases at her dads then that suits her and i think most teens (not all!!) are quite selfish and if it suits what they want thats their priority she is probably trying to punish you by meeting up with these relatives to hurt you maybe as she couldnt get her own way or shes angry ? People say you are always cruelest to the ones you love the most .Maybe suggest days/nights out just the two of you to try and repair your relationship ! My DD doesnt see her dad but I know when i enforce a rule she calls all her fiends and anyone that will listen also my family who thankfully back me up but i know of there were people who wouldnt she'd go to them as she gets angry and its a way to hurt and punish us !

thank you lucy

The problem is her dad lets her do exactly as she wants as he wants her to prefer it there to here. He also gives her lots of spending money all the time. He isn't a reasonable person so won't discuss anything with me. the last time I spoke to him, very calmly on the phone, to see if he could get her to come here a bit more, he just shouted and swore at me.

I can't believe she is the same little girl that I once looked after, and I feel a total failure as a mum.

You're not a total failure. It may seem bleak atm with your dd, but I do think in the future things will turn around. Just keep being there for her, let her know you love her and there's always a home for her if she needs it, (without giving into her obviously). Right now she can't see past her own nose and things her dad giving into her and letting her do what she wants is great. In the future when she looks back she will see it differently. As long as she knows you're always there no matter what (and I know how hard that can be at times when she's treating you like shit) she will come back to you in the future.

We had a similar situation with DSD when she was a teenager (although she never actually moved out). DH and I set boundaries and wouldn't let her come and go as she wanted. Whenever we said no she went running to her mother who said yes (even when it was totally inappropriate, think clubbing when she was 13). We were always there to pick up the pieces (of which there were many). Now she's 21, all grown up and we have a great relationship and are very close. She looks back and can't believe the things her mum used to let her do. She doesn't have any relationship whatsoever with her mum now.