DD wants to go on the NY trip...

[Merrythulu]

So it's a weeks trip to NY with a trip to the modern art gallery, 2 broadway shows and a behind-the-scenes talk with some actors to talk about how they got into 'the biz'. It costs £1200. Our singular annual holiday for 6 of us is costing less, including food & trips.
XP (who pays a pitiful amount of maintenance, is up to his eyeballs in debt and is constantly 'competing' to be the most popular parent) has told her to apply, 'and we 'll see what we can do' (although I'm not sure who the other part of the 'we ' is). My mother ( who ought not to have anything to do with it, but muscles in with her opinion anyway) has said that DD 'must go, it's a fantastic opportunity. DH says she doesn't need to go, it's not going to enhance her college application for having gone, and (quite rightly) the money would be better spent on driving lessons. Now DD is in a strop because I don't think she should even apply. We've said we can't afford it, that it's not necessary, but I feel torn because I know my ex is playing the guilt game and trying to make us feel obliged to support her to go. While I feel it's a fucking cheek of the school to arrange a trip to NY which could definitely be done in London for a tenth of the price, I also remember what it was like to be 15 and desperate to go on the school trip to America and be denied. I know DH makes sense but with both my mum and XP telling me she should go, I'm questioning my decision. I have no money of my own, and as XP and DM have said they'll pay it's not really about that Help me, Oh-be-one-ke mumsnet, you're my only hope! (Hmm, doesn't quite work that phrase, does it?)

I'm not sure I understand why you won't support her application for the trip if others have volunteered to finance it?

If they want to pay, the can can't they?

Tell dd you are not able to contribute at all and to get a Saturday job to build up savings.

Bit of a mixed bag in your post about the money vs your moral(?) feeling about the sum involved. I share your reservations about these expensive trips - actually, I think they're a scandal - but it will be fun, and do I understand right - that your XP and DM will pay? If so, if you don't have any reservations in terms of DD's attitude and behaviour, then let her go, and I hope she sees it's a fantastic gift.

If your ex thinks she should go then he should pay for it, especially as you've said you can't afford it. Same goes for your mum. I also think your dd should arrange it herself with your ex and your mum. If they can't pay for it then she can't go.

I think if it can be funded as it seems it can without detriment to your family then its another experience for her I say let her go.

Well it doesn't sound like your ex or your DM are offering to pay - it sounds like your ex wants to be Mr Disney Dad who doesn't say 'no', and your DM is just getting involved in something she shouldn't.

As for you, no, YANBU at all. If you can't afford this trip (which, I agree, could be done to London for a fraction of the cost), then its a good lesson for your DD in terms of living within her means. Children have very little concept of money and what conjuring up £1200 from nowhere really means. No doubt you'd have to provide a similar opportunity for your other DC if she gets to go on this trip too, so I'd also point that out to her.

Of course she doesn't "need" to go but it would be a fabulous experience if she could get together the money to go - donations from her father/grandma and working/fund-raising the rest. Would she be happy to raise at least some of the money herself?

If your ex and dm are happy to pay or help her raise the money then fine. my parents paid for a £300 trip to France. They would not fund the £1000 trip to Morocco, the £700 ski trip or the £2500 trip to galapagos in sixth form. so I couldn't go. end of.

In my opinion if you can't easily afford it she isn't entitled to you paying for it. If you couldn't go on a family holiday costing that much then you can't afford to fund her trip in my opinion!

One point of view is that it gives your dd an enjoyable trip to a nice place and an experience she can look back on and be happy she took part in on the visit to new york.

My daughter went in Y12 and had the most amazing holiday ever.Think it was around eight hundred pound in 2010.

*pounds

Do you have other kids who might then expect to be funded for expensive trips?

Agree it's crap that the school have organised such an expensive trip when same coukd be achieved in London

Make it very clear to your DD you and your DH cannot possible afford to pay, or even contribute to the cost. Also point this out to your ex, and DM.

Tell her, if she applies, and has the opportunity, she will have to ask other family members to pay, not you.

You need to be clear and firm.

It's a holiday, and I would strop BIGTIME as a teenager to go on a trip like this. But at the end of the day she doesn't need to go, and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

How old is she, and when is the trip ?

Tell XP and your Mother if they are so keen that DD should go, can they put the money up front and pay for it, because you can't.

Your ex and your mum are happy to split the cost between them; but it's not about that???
What is it about? Surely not the fact that in your opinion the money would be better spent on driving lessons?
It's not your money, you can't dictate where it's spent.

you know I'd never have stropped over this. I might have cheekily nagged for a few weeks but I'd have understood money was tight.
However if the trip was £200 would you pay? If so I'd offer her that money to put towards it.

I don't understand your reasons at all, OP. Seriously, what's the problem?

Is it because you missed out on school trips or is it because your ex has suggested he can pay? Are you jealous? If so, why should your dd miss out? What's your point?

I'm reading this in a completely different way to most of the other responses, i.e. that dad is saying she should go and he may pay a little bit towards it (but OP thinks this is unreliable) and OPs mother is also saying she should go, but hasn't mentioned contributing. I.e neither are actually offering to pay for it, but want the OP to come across as the bad guy who makes the final decision to say no.

If this is the case, I would just throw it back at them, and say of course you are happy for her to go, agree it would be a great opportunity, but you cannot afford to pay for it (or can only afford to pay her one sixth of the usual holiday fund, with the proviso that she stays with her dad/gran when the rest of the family go away) and that she can either raise the rest herself, or get them to fund her, so force them to say yes or no. Don't sign the application unless they have promised to pay, because if they don't cough up you will lose your deposit, look bad to the school, and, if places are limited, another pupil who would have liked to have gone may miss a place.

If the other posters are right and I have read it wrong, then yes, I agree, it is harsh to not let her go just because you didn't get to go as a teen. Although it seems charming that your DM (presumably) denied you the opportunity but is now gung-ho for your daughter.

the place won't go away. None of the 'extras' are exclusive to this trip and will always be there.

if you can't afford it, you can't pay. End of, really.

I bet not going on one of these trips as a child did not actually limit your opportunities, or really scar you for life.