Stopping the cycle of bad behaviour...

[louby44]

I have 2 DS 14 & 11. Their dad and I separated and divorced in 2006. He remains a positive influence in their lives along with other male family members (grandfathers & uncles). they have always been boisterous, loud and sometimes unruly kids, probably my fault after being left a single mum with a demanding fulltime job, I know I wasn't always firm with them, no exscuse I know but a fact!

I met a new guy in 2008, the boys were 5 & 8 at that time. My then new partner did try halfheartedly with my boys to make a bond but as the years went by it became apparent that we were living with a bully. He wasn't nice to the boys, nothing they ever did was good enough and he constantly criticised everything they did, jumping on any misdenemour. He did teach me to be firmer with the boys and stick to consequences for bad behaviour. But his way was often OTT. Towards the end of the relationship DS11 was beginning to copy some of my exP behaviour with angry outbursts etc. My exP constantly moaned about their behaviour and is a major contributing factor to the end of the relationship!

In December I ended the relationship and my exP moved out in February. My DSs behaviour did improve slightly but has since gone downhill.

DS14 (very immature) is jealous of his brother, winds him up and is often unkind to him. He will go into DS11 bedroom and jump on his bed or hide somewhere and jump out on him. In the car they bicker and argue about something ridiculous. When we get in from school they seem to go 'mad' for half an hour, running round, being stupid. It drives me crazy - I just want peace.

The other night DS14 swung his school bag round and it hit DS11 in the head, they then had a full on physical fight, punching, kicking, scratching each other. It's not the first time this has happened. My DS11 then walks round in a rage shouting "I fuckin hate him, I'm so fuckin angry" - the swearing seems to be a new thing with DS11.

I removed their TV's from bedrooms and they were banned from Xbox, which they hate.

I just don't know how to stop this constant negativity between them. They dislike each other so much! On the other hand they can be so good, when we visit someone's house they are very well behaved, well mannered and sensible. My counsellor suggested that they are finding their feet after the controlling adult figure in their lives has gone but I'm not so sure!

I've started dating again and I'm dreading introducing them to any potential new partner.

I just want the 3 of us to be happy!

To me the behaviour you describe seems very normal for boys that age, especially as you say they behave well outside the home. Hormones are raging and they need to blow off steam etc. I don't think you sound soft on them so don't feel you have to make any 'excuses'.

Your counsellor is right that they have had a major upheaval in their lives and need time to readjust. They are only young still and two broken relationships is a lot for them to cope with. As they have a lot of positive male role models they should get through ok.

If you meet someone new you really need to take any introductions extremely slowly out of respect to their feelings.

Thanks for your reply.

I think my problem is that my exP made me think the boys' behaviour is abnormal. He has 2 well behaved (until recently) DD who were very quiet and towed the line.

They boys are the same with their dad and he too follows through with consequences. We are united regarding this!

Date out of the house, it's not a good idea to introduce someone else unless you've been with them for a good while.

Oh yes!!! Wouldn't bring anyone home whilst the kids were in the house. Not for a loooong time!

Maybe you dating again has them wondering what kind of person theyre going to be expected to share their home with and to have some authority over them next.

Agree that their behaviour doesnt sound that unusual tho.

They don't know that I'm dating.

But thank you for reply!

It's still very early days, louby. You were in that relationship for 5-6 years, and you have only really been out of it for 3 months, so your boys are still adjusting to changes. It'll take a year or more, IME. Remember they have had less control over the end of this relationship than you, so it may take them longer to get used to what's happened.

Also, ime they may be experiencing a confusing mix of emotions. Even if your ex was critical and controlling, there are probably things about him they miss. And they may feel they shouldn't, especially if you seem happy it's over, which makes it all the more confusing. Young boys don't have adult logic: my DS1 wouldn't see my ex (DS2's dad) after we split up: he said "He's not even my stepdad any more, he's my ex step-dad"... At the time, I respected his choice, but with hindsight I think that he turned his hurt into diffidence - a sort of So what, I don't care anyway - and so he cut himself off from a relationship that he might have enjoyed... But because underneath it all he still was feeling a sense of loss, he 'acted out' in other ways. Your boys might be doing something similar...

Thanks flow, I hadn't thought of it like that.

They tell me they're glad he's gone, they don't miss him as he did nothing for them. Even if he fixed one of their bikes it was like he was doing them (and me) a huge favour.

We miss the girls though very much and we all miss the family stuff we used to do, although that got less and less.

I've met someone and although it's very early days I do like him. But I won't be introducing him to the boys for a very long time.

That sounds wise. :) I had my boys by two different dads, and each time thought when I got pregnant the relationship was 'permanent'. When the 2nd broke down, it didn't seem fair to bring another man into DS1's life... I don't know now whether that was logical, or the right decision, but it seemed right at the time. However, I have now been single for 8-9 years (bar a couple of dates!) and both boys are teenagers, and I'm starting to think another relationship might be possible!