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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

At wits end with 18 year old.

41 replies

WhisperingShadow · 10/04/2014 18:20

What should someone of this age be able to do?

-Pet taken away because forgets to feed and water. When forced to clean out contaminated bedding left all over bedroom floor, and walked through house. Bin bag of cleaned out stuft in room.

unable to follow instructions such as turn oven off, wipe down worksurfaces, put dishwasher on.

moved bedrooms because of the filth for new bedroom to be a dump within 4 days. Not capable of following simple instruction.

finally gets the idea nothing clean to wear for work. takes item from machine dripping wet, places on cold radiator expecting to be dry within an hour

takes rubbish out, drops and splatters in hall. Come back in and sits down. had forgotten about the mess

finishes college and has no plans

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 11/04/2014 08:37

Do you charge him rent? I would tell him from leaving college he will be paying 20% of his take home and it might inspire him. Washing up won't get him far. You have my sympathies though I have to moan constantly at my 17 year old. He gets up for school but his room is a tip.

Original poster

WhisperingShadow · 11/04/2014 08:40

No rent yet as still in college but will once college year ends. We set up a secret account for his brother and put all rent in there for a house deposit when he needs it.

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Original poster

WhisperingShadow · 11/04/2014 11:32

See i've just walked through the door to a bacon splattered cooker by 20 year old. Guess I neec to clean it as wont be home till late.

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Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 11/04/2014 11:37

This is my DD (also 18). I think it's just a teenage thing. I've learned to ignore her room, which is, quite frankly a health hazard. About once a quarter I go and have a blitz, remove all cutlery, crockery etc and left over bits of food but otherwise leave her to it.

She could not motivate herself to get out of bed to get to school on time and we were constantly up teh school while she was in 6th form about missed deadlines for homework etc. She's now working while taking a year off before going to uni in Sept and I really worry about how she'll cope with no-one to make sure she does things. Having said that though, she is managing to hold down two jobs at the moment, and I think she's matured a bit since she left school.

drinkyourmilk · 11/04/2014 11:37

He sounds very similar to me.
I have a form of dyslexia. Alas without seeing an ed psych you won't get anywhere. I wasn't diagnosed till I was at uni by the way.
I still need to plan things very carefully on paper to achieve pretty much anything. Otherwise I have a complete meltdown- emotionally and physically.

Beastofburden · 11/04/2014 11:44

I have a DD with learning difficulties and one of the ways this comes out is dyspraxia. A blood test would show it, in her case, as it's a genetic issue. This behaviour could well be dyspraxia, in which case the good news is, there are things that help. There are techniques for remembering and organising stuff (you wouldnt believe how useful a smartphone is with a dyslexic teen as you can put all kids of alarms onto it). He would probably benefit from high-quality fish-oil capsules.

Not sure that it's too late to get useful help and support even though he's left school. But he does need to want it. Perhaps that is your way forward. What does he want to do in life? How will he get there?

This means the conversation may not happen until he leaves college.

Sorry, but the other explanation is he has been frying his teenage brain with pot on the quiet - this may of course not be true here, but it's a possibility.

Original poster

WhisperingShadow · 11/04/2014 11:49

Untill recently the bedroom had snake piss contaminated chippings on the floor and old defrosted rat water in containers. Now it is what I presume to be wanky tissues, lollipop sticks, junck food packets, cleanand dirty washing mixed so money gets waisted on washing clean stuff.

Pillows with no covers, covers on floor. So pillows no use to anyone else / guests.

Any why should we live with the smell?

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Original poster

WhisperingShadow · 11/04/2014 11:50

His mum found two lighters. But no sign of anything else.

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Beastofburden · 11/04/2014 11:58

I think being angry is understandable because you have no diagnosis. But this does sound increasingly as if it goes beyond clueless selfishness. I "joke" with my DD that if she doesn;t get a handle on this, once she leaves home she will feature on a Channel 5 programme "My filthy hoarding neighbour". She takes it from me, as she knows she has a disability and therefore isn't best placed to judge what is appropriate.

If he is to have a happy life, you three as parents need to press for a diagnosis, I think. It's not going to go away.

Original poster

WhisperingShadow · 11/04/2014 12:09

Sorry for moaning and thanks for listening.

I don't think he would go for an assessment. I guess we just need to be preparec for a bumpy year when he finishes college.

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Beastofburden · 11/04/2014 12:14

He won't now. But he may do when he grinds to a halt. At that stage, if you have been consistently saying "sweetheart, I think there's something wrong here" he may go along with it.

Chin up, once you get into it, it's amazing what you can achieve. And you could skip the assessment and just get some tips together on the assumption he is dyslexic, and see if they work.

Beastofburden · 11/04/2014 12:15

dyspraxic, even.

mummytime · 11/04/2014 12:26

But he has a job? That is a start. Sorry but I would be pleased if my DS had a job (admittedly in other ways he is far better than your DSS).

So start with praising him for that. See if he wants to do anything else with it.

If he won't tidy up and it is annoying you - go minimalist. Put on rubber gloves (if possible do this with him, if not do it yourself), and clean the room. Take anything not put away. Wash everything (including pillows, if they go lumpy that's his problem, he can buy himself new ones).
Keep his room hygienic - but don't allow extra stuff unless he keeps it clean. I'd probably go for: bed, bin and wardrobe. Clothes in wardrobe, but its up to him to hang them and give you washing.

Do reward him if he goes to GP and gets bloods done or gets an assessment for learning needs.

Original poster

WhisperingShadow · 11/04/2014 12:32

We paid his brother to get him the job. He didn't know till an hour before his first shift. He does enjoy it though.

His mum has done that with his room this week. We didit last week. Will see how things go.

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Beastofburden · 11/04/2014 12:42

The opportunity comes when they yell "stop nagging me"

That can allow the conversation: "We want you to be in charge of this too. We think the reason its so much harder for you than for others is you have some undiagnosed issue. We'd like you to get some better tools for coping with it. We're worried about how you can have a happy life otherwise. This isn't the life we want for you"

AnarchoSyndicalistMumofthree · 15/04/2014 23:49

I found taking MDMA was helpful in giving me some direction and drive to do something with my life, albeit my first experience was at a slightly younger age.

I would suggest guided psychotherapy with a dose of 120mg if he is inexperienced rather than a night out though clubbing.

I'd recommend taking it together if you have any experience of this type of work. It could prove fruitful in opening up communication channels between that you havn't been able to access until said experience.

Good luck

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