Possibly inappropriate behaviour by male teacher: wwyd?

[Cuddleczar]

My 15 yo DD started telling me a couple of months ago that she had had some long chats with a male teacher at school during informal sessions in that subject during breaks and after school. It sounded like he was providing her with some mentoring about careers and A level choices. But just recently, she has started to feel uncomfortable around him. One time, he took her into a cupboard to get some equipment and while they were there she thought he looked at her chest and said: "green is the right colour for you" (I don't think she was wearing school uniform, can't remember why). These sessions in this subject department used to be a real haven for her, and she loves this subject but now feels that she can't go there like she used to. He also asked her friend whether she was avoiding him. (I thought that was odd!) My DD says maybe she was too open and friendly with him during their earlier chats...but I am certain that although she is an attractive girl who looks much older than her years, she would not have knowingly encouraged attention from this teacher.

I'm not sure what to do. I fear that saying anything at all to school could get it totally blown up, even lose him his job. But...I know some people would say the fact that she feels uncomfortable is an indication that something is not right. She probably only has 3-4 weeks of lessons in this subject left in this academic year. Would you hold fire or go in guns blazing???

Even if she did knowingly encourage attention he's still responsible for his own behaviour.

Ho hum, I dunno. What does she want you to do?

If she feels uncomfortable then she's right to avoid him, and he can think what he likes about that, but I can't see that he has actually done anything to complain about other than comment on a colour suiting her. Presumably he took her into a cupboard for a valid reason, to get a text book or something.

I think all she wants to happen is to be treated with the normal formality/distance that you'd expect from a teacher. She thinks that maybe she was "too open" in their earlier discussions. It is definitely not the case that she has a crush on him. I agree that he should know the correct boundaries for a teacher-pupil relationship. I think he has only recently become a teacher so maybe this is a learning experience for him too. It's more the fact that his attitude to her makes her feel uncomfortable and this indicates to me that there an element of something that isn't quite right. Anyone else got any thoughts?

It's tricky but there isn't really any misconduct to report so far, so complaining isn't an option. I would tell your dd to avoid him for the remainder, but obviously if he does actually overstep the mark then report immediately!

I assume she has avoided further informal sessions and suggest that for the remainder of term she relies on safety in numbers.

Surely it is drummed into teachers in their training to observe boundaries and avoid just this sort of scenario.

If you found out there were texts or notes I would definitely raise this with the HT. If your DD had told you he had touched her or propositioned her, ditto.

Your DD thought his behaviour was off. It is nearly the end of DD's course but what of other pupils?

Give him this one chance and one chance only. Any further indication from DD contact the HT.

As long as your daughter is telling you everything, I don't see that there's anything that needs doing here. He hasn't broken any conduct, there isn't anything to report. I think the only thing is to make sure your daughter isn't withholding or minimizing anything.

At around age 14-15 I'd convinced myself a male teacher had a crush on me. There was no way - I was unattractive and dorky and he'd simply noticed I didn't have many friends but had a passion for his subject (drama) so used to let me work as his assistant director with the younger classes. We spent a lot of time together at school, working with the younger classes and going over scripts and things, all centered around the class. He did me a kindness, never did or said anything remotely inappropriate, but I certainly had a bit of a crush on him which I denied and convinced myself he had a crush on my ohhhhh sooo coool teenage self. I read a lot of trashy romance novels around that time.

His behavior as far as you've stated doesn't sound inappropriate. I would very rarely suggest that someone's feelings weren't right here, but from what you've said and my own personal experience, I wouldn't worry too much about this.

I think you need to have another chat with your daughter and tell her that if she feels uncomfortable, then chances are that there is something a bit inappropriate going on, but as nothing specific has been said or done, there is nothing to report at the moment. She needs to feels supported and taken seriously by you. Definitely advise her to avoid future situations where she could be alone with him or put herself at risk, and reinforce the message that whatever happened, it is not HER fault, however friendly she has been - even if she did overstep the mark herself, as HE is the adult and should be setting the boundaries.
Agree that any further developments merit a word with the head. Nipping this sort of thing in the bud can only be good for all concerned, the teacher included. If he is innocent, then you are doing him a favour as he may avoid similar trouble in future.

Thank you everyone, that's all really helpful. I'm pretty sure there won't be any "incidents" but I'll feel a lot more confident deciding what to do if there are!