Eating disorder and cutting 14yr old daughter

[LadyM32]

Hello

I have a 14 year old daughter and having lots of worries with her. My husband and I split up 2 years ago but she witnessed domestic abuse and is finding it very difficult to deal with this. I blame myself everyday for this but am glad I had the strength to leave him.

Over the past 2 months she started scratching (superficial cuts on her arms and stomach) I found out by accident when her periods stopped and her blood pressure needed to be checked. Was the hardest thing to see!! I spoke with her but she felt she couldn't talk about it and so have been trying to get counselling for her. We went on the list but during this time she became obsessed with her weight and has lost a lot of weight in a short space of time, as a result her periods have stopped, hair is falling out, gets pain in her ribs. I was extremely scared as I could see her developing an eating disorder. I pestered the doctors, camhs dept, school. Finally they rushed her appt with the psychologist and she saw her a couple of weeks ago. She was really helpful and highlighted exactly what my daughter was going through, but the therapy could take a while to wait for.

A couple of days later she went down again, wouldn't get out of bed, cried all day and night, cut again. I took her to the docs who advised we go straight to the hospital, the doctor was horrible and because the cuts weren't deep enough made us feel like we were wasting her time!! The psychologist finally phoned back and talked us through taking small steps. She finally went back to school but still cutting.

I find it so hard seeing your daughter at her lowest and being powerless to do anything, asking for help is so difficult as well because nobody listens!! I just don't want to get to the stage where she is admitted or kills herself. She won't talk to me at all but I know it's not because she hates me, she just doesn't know how. So everyday I have worry and pain watching her pretend at school she is ok but at home not speak and just be a shadow of her former self.

If anyone has any advice or been through similar please get in touch, feel like I don't know anyone who has been in this situation and it's really scary!!

Thanks

A

I'm sorry you both had a difficult experience in A and E, but you did the right thing if you thought she was trying to hurt herself badly. My DD only really got help as she was admitted to a unit via hospital. If it does get to that stage, although it is a really, really difficult time, being on an adolescent unit can help with severe depression and she will realise she is not alone, especially if you feel she is not safe and you are watching her 24 hours a day. Is she managing lessons at school ?is she sleeping ? I knows camhs waiting lists are even longer now. Would you consider a few sessions with a private psychotherapist. Sometimes it can also help your case with Camhs, if you have letters from others too. Its very hard for them to talk to us as parents and as you say, she may not know why she feels so bad and she may not want to let you down.You, both need professional help to unravel what support she needs. Just assure her you love her whatever, and together you will find the support. It is isolating and scary, and will probably take some time to get better, but she evidently has a loving mum, and that will count for a lot and it does happen more than you imagine. best of luck......

Thank you so much for replying, I do feel so alone at the moment. She had a really bad week this week due to her eating a bit more the week before. She felt guilty so kept except using cutting and barely eating. We saw a psychologist who has been excellent and told me to get more in control, which I find really difficult.

You sound like you've really been through it to, we have to wait for the therapies to start but shouldn't be too long as she is in dire need. She's on the cusp of becoming anorexic :/ what worries me is that if I force her to eat will she cut herself more. Does your daughter speak to you? My daughter just shrugs her shoulders which I know is teen like but it's so frustrating just trying to be upbeat and carry on making conversation.

She wouldn't go to school the other week but at parents evening they all said she was lovely and doing well, I think the distraction helps plus she's a very good actress. What gets me is her head of year who also teaches her drama class thinks there's nothing wrong with her. She really infuriates me and to be honest the lack of support from school has not helped at all. Do you have other children. I have a 9 year old and worry so much about how this is all affecting her.

If you have any tips on how you cope I'd really appreciate it as nobody I know understands how hard it is to deal with.

Thanks

A xx

I think it would help if you asked your GP for some CBT yourself to cope. I found that the most helpful. Its true(but extremely difficult) that being outwardly calm and consistent is best (for both kids) -I suggest reading up as much as you can on teen mental health issues/eating disorder, and keep notes and diaries which you may need to get the right help. My DD was severely depressed and it took a good couple of years for her to get back on track, but she has and we are now close.She pushed everyone away when she was ill,so things may not improve until your DD does engage with therapy and you can understand a little more, why she feels so bad . In her case, school did not recognise how bad things were as she was bright, capable and sensitive. . Teachers are not qualified to recognise mh problems, and she has probably tried to hide it at school, and this effort probably makes it even worse at home.

there will be others who can better advise re eating disorders on here and in the child and adolescent mental health section. I found there was more support for EDs and really good treatment centres in our area, than for other mh issues, so I hope you can find some support alongside camhs. Try to keep life as normal as possible for your 9 year old . When camhs are involved, ask for an assessment for her too. My DS felt neglected and angry but was older and left home for uni.still working on that. I can only offer you some hope that for most teens, things do get better around 16/17 with the right help and therapies and as a parent you really appreciate small changes and positive steps. My DD turned out to have ASD traits, and an educational assessment helped us work out her strengths and vulnerabilities - and a different school set up gave her huge confidence.