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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I think my dd is gay

21 replies

nicolahk · 29/03/2014 23:36

Im sure that my 14 year old daughter is gay, although she hasnt told me directly, Ive seen posts on twitter where she says so. I dont have a problem with this, but she has invited a friend to stay with us this summer and I think this is her girlfriend. They haven`t actually met before but they have been friends online for over a year and seem to really care for each other. The friend is 16. They will be sharing a room, as she does with her other straight girlfriends, so my dilema is this: if this was a boy she would not be allowed to share a room, so is it ok for her to share a room with her lesbian girlfriend at the age of 14?

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 30/03/2014 13:08

I'd want to meet this girl (and her parents) before I let her stay with my family over the summer!

Teenagers' plans often change anyway - I wouldn't assume this plan will happen.

How did you find out about your DD's summer plans? You need to talk to her.

Russianfudge · 30/03/2014 15:49

I think you need to talk to her about it. Getting in to a sexual relationship is a big deal even without the hassle of unwanted pregnancies and stds etc. if it all goes tits up, she might need your support.

Once you've had the conversation you may feel better placed to decide if to allow it or not - ie. if she's ready for it.

Original poster

nicolahk · 30/03/2014 16:08

Thanks for your comments.
Its not possible to meet my daughters friend or her family before she comes as they live 200 miles away but I will definitely talk to her mum on the phone before she comes. My dd doesnt really do talking these days. Shes had a hard time these last 18 months, self-harming and withdrawing to her room. She sees a councillor from CAMHS and the doctor has prescribed anti-depressants, but she seems to be a bit better recently. This is all heart breaking for me and her dad and we just want her to be happy. This friend makes her happy and has helped her through the worst times and been very supportive - all on the phone, by text and twitter. Since theres no chance of pregnancy and shed be devastated if we said her friend couldnt come, I dont see how I can say no. Only she knows if she`s ready and I suppose this might make her sure if she really is gay.

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 30/03/2014 20:26

How long will your DD's friend be staying?

Could she come for a weekend first?

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 30/03/2014 22:21

Being gay and having her (possibly/probably) girlfriend to stay doesn't necessarily mean they will be indulging in lesbian sex you know!

Most 14 yr olds of either orientation aren't leaping into that..more the snog and grope stage (ahh remembered with fondness )

I WOULD have a chat with her, see if you can find a way to let her know that it's ok to be gay, and take it from there.

I have taken my kids (four of, three straight, one gay )and their girlfriends and boyfriends on holidays and honestly I have just gone for the cheery 'and you know I don't expect you to be doing anything together here don't you?' I think the sheer embarrassment of me saying that used to prevent too much going on

Theas18 · 31/03/2014 11:03

I wouldn't have a 16yr old she met on the internet stay at all without meeting 1st, male or female!

How do you know this isn't Dave the hairy trucker trolling again?

Theas18 · 31/03/2014 11:03

I mean that the "girl" that DD wants to stay is a troll, not that the OP is!

OwlCapone · 31/03/2014 11:06

I'm with Theas18. I would want to know a hell of a lot more before someone my child had met online came to stay.

OwlCapone · 31/03/2014 11:08

Most 14 yr olds of either orientation aren't leaping into that..more the snog and grope stage

But the friend is 16. Those two years make a big difference at that age.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/03/2014 11:11

I think having this girl down for a weekend before the summer is a very good idea. Do you know her parents OP?

titchy · 31/03/2014 11:24

Agree with Thea - do you really want to give your child the message that it's perfectly normal to invite an internet random to stay at your house?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 31/03/2014 11:38

Well, the other girl is 16, your daughter is under age. So it is illegal fir them to have sec. I'm really surprised you are nit knocking this on the head.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 31/03/2014 11:39

For
Sex

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 31/03/2014 11:45

Are you mad? I wouldn't allow anyone to stay who I'd met over the internet.

I hope you aren't going to allow DD to go and meet this "girl" by herself somewhere before she brings her home. How do you know "she" is actually a girl, and actually 16?

I think that's a far bigger issue than sharing a bed.

chocoluvva · 31/03/2014 18:58

And what sort of parent would let their 16YO DD go and spend the summer with a family they've never met - whose DD has MH problems? From never having met to spending the summer.

OP I'm suspicious that your post is a wind-up.

WhoNickedMyName · 31/03/2014 19:04

I'd be more concerned about the random stranger from the Internet staying at your house, than whether or not your daughter is gay at this point.

I would want at least a face to face meeting with the girl and her parents. Plenty of women could easily pass as teenagers - how do you know this isn't some 20 something year old preying on your clearly vulnerable daughter.

Fairylea · 31/03/2014 19:10

I agree with Whonicked. I met some lovely friends as a young teen using online chat rooms - shock horror - but my mum always asked them to meet us with their parents at a busy shopping centre cafe and I would sit and have a coffee with them at one table initially while mum and their parents did the same at another table. Would that be an idea?

AphraBane · 31/03/2014 19:26

If she's had such a tough time of things recently it's lovely that she's met somebody - but you need to do some massive intervention at this stage to check this other girl out (and let her check you out as a family too). The first step would be for the parents to get each other's mail addresses and exchange a few mails, then talk on the phone/Skype to arrange practicalities and talk about what each of you expects from this. Last year DD1 did a 3-month exchange to France with a family we hadn't met before, but we put a LOT of work into getting to know the family beforehand.

Ultimately, you need to tell ask her straight out in a very friendly, positive, encouraging way, 'by the way my love, are you gay or straight, I was just wondering...' and really tell her that you're happy whatever her sexuality as long as she's happy and being honest to herself. Then I would do what Medusa recommends:

"I have taken my kids (four of, three straight, one gay )and their girlfriends and boyfriends on holidays and honestly I have just gone for the cheery 'and you know I don't expect you to be doing anything together here don't you?' I think the sheer embarrassment of me saying that used to prevent too much going on" Yup, embarrassment is the most powerful tool with teenagers!

The sex/age thing I wouldn't be too worried about, but then we're in Germany and the age of consent is 14 here (although interestingly, the average age of first intercourse is higher than in the UK, so much for the law).

Original poster

nicolahk · 02/04/2014 20:57

Yes, I know what you mean but Ive spoken to her on the phone and Im friends on Facebook with her and Ill be there when they meet at the station. Ive seen her on Skype so Im confident shes genuine and Ill be at home while shes here. Its 10 days, which seems like a long time but they may not be able to meet again for a long time. I wont let my daughter go to her house - shes too young to be going that far on her own and I dont know her parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

nicolahk · 02/04/2014 20:59

Yes, you`re right. Your comments are comforting, thanks

OP posts:

Stricnine · 02/04/2014 21:28

as an opposite viewpoint, my DD (when she was 16) travelled down South (we're scottish) to meet and stay with 'internet friends'.. we (parents) had no idea of who the parents we're, BUT she had been chatting to them for several months via video chat (google gang outs and such like) so they were clearly not hairy old men !

I think you need to almost ignore the gay considerations - as was said before it doesn't necessarily mean they'll be sexually active at the first opportunity .. they could just be good friends.. if she has been chatting safely over the internet and has found people that she can be herself with, this may be a good source of finding a new friendship group, especially if she's been unhappy with school life.

DD even now (at almost 18) has several platonic male friends and no desire to get sexual.. she finds it quite depressing that some of the older generation seem to believe that all teenagers are sexually active.. most of her friends are remarkably restrained!

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